Jake 🇺🇸

Killing Lions
2021-01-22 18:37:44 (UTC)

Apathy :(

Went on another two dates last week, one of the went really well, we bonded instantly and the exciting conversation just spontaneously flowed as it should when you're with another person who is like you. I wasn't attracted to her, but man, it was fun. Then, I went on another date with another girl, Adriana, at a relatively fancy place. I paid as I normally do (I asked her to a date, so of course I pay, if the girl asked me on a date I wouldn't feel obligated to pay). Anyway, she was probably the youngest girl I've dated in awhile and it showed, she didn't really have much to impress me with but it was kind of fun making her giggle at things I'd say. I kind of felt like I was being sold, I mean, I bought her dinner so it felt like she was pretending to be nice to me. Idk, it just felt like that. But honestly, I feel like I've kind of forgotten how to just have fun and receive so much joy in the little things. So I'm grateful for that $50 I had to pay for that experience.

As the title of this goes I just feel exhausted of trying. Probably in like 2 days I'll be texting another 5 girls for more dates but right now, idk. I just feel like there's no point except being able to experience someone else for a couple hours and the challenge of trying to connect with them. It's just annoying being so busy with one thing (ie work) that I can't bring anything interesting or fun to a conversation.

Ughhhh I just can't feel anything right now and it sucks. I want to feel loneliness, I want to feel sad, I want to feel happy, excited. Something just feels wrong but I can't figure out what it is since I have no gut reaction to ANYTHING. Lately I've been trying to use logic and reason to make up for the lack of emotion but its not working, it's just driving me further into apathy.

Tonight I'm going to hang out with some friends. I don't want to drain all the emotion from them, I want to bring some color into it!! Lol. I remember talking with Adriana, the topic went to "what is the most crazy experience you've ever had" and it got me talking about all these things I did back a couple years. It was always the times when I did something stupid, spontaneous or at some party involving alcohol. Seriously, those are my best memories. And I want to make more. How? How can I get more emotion? How can I feel things?

I need to think about this more... figure out what is wrong. Or... maybe I just need to get blackout drunk tonight? (never done that before)

The saying "girls just want to have fun" kind of applies here. I think I'm at a slight disadvantage since I don't learn from my mistakes, things are too easy, particularly with women I think, I mean, I consider myself quite attractive and it isn't hard for me to go on dates with girls. However, it always feels like I'm yanking nails to get them to go since I'm just sooooo dry.

Idk. Maybe it's just a numbers game? Maybe I need to keep at it. Lol. Honestly, that's probably true.

Well. This felt a bit like a waste of time. I think I'd normally delete this entry and start over in a week with fresh ideas, but nahhhh I'll just post it. Who cares. Maybe someday I'll look back to this day and it'll be interesting to read my thoughts. The main reason for this diary is so that I can read it. It just so happens to be public since I enjoy it when people criticize or judge me. Getting rightly yelled at is a good correction to your actions. Maybe someone needs to yell at me right now??




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