Nihilist Cowboy

A Sick Man, A Spiteful Man, An Unattractive Man
2021-01-20 20:17:14 (UTC)

Reflection exercise 6: Life as a work of art

Do you consider your life to be a work of art? What would you change for it to become a work of art?

1. What aspect of yourself are you interested in changing?

2. How will you go about it? What tool or practice will you use?

Starting out I can be stereotypical and say "I want to lose 30 pounds" after all, I am about 30 pounds overweight. However this answer seems super typical. Yes everyone knows I am a little tubby, lets move on. I want to be more self aware, more confident, and be more passionate towards life and work.

What exactly do I mean by being more aware? To understand my motives and my drives both conscious and unconscious. I hope to figure this out by contemplating life. Just strolling on the hospital walking trail after work allows me to think about the ending work day, what I did right, what I did wrong, and what I could improve for the next day. Writing and journaling for at least an hour a day while reading either philosophical or social work manuals to improve my knowledge base for work.

Thinking about the future, I think I have a pretty good idea where I see myself 5 years from now, hopefully living at the farm and maybe be in a relationship, but I really hope to be in private practice. I have a pretty good idea of how to market my practice that is uniquely me. When looking for a therapist, the most common place to look online is the Psychology Today directory. This site is filled with extremely happy and cheery looking therapists with grins a mile wide, and many of their practice names our along the lines of "Laughter and Joy Counseling" or "Gracelink." Now anyone who knows me knows that this will not work for me. I want to make something over the top dark, make my picture have me sitting in a dark background, black shirt and jacket with a harsh, stern look on my face. Throw in some dark Schopenhauer quotes and we will be set! While this would be absolutely hilarious, I am sure it would not drum me up that much business so I would have to moderate it out.

I have the professional goal in mind but how do I reach it? After all this is the guy who stuttered when making a phone call today regarding a patient's discharge plan. This is the guy who got tachycardic teaching an intern how to write therapy notes. When I do groups I freeze up. There is a fear that terrorizes me that I am a "cookie cutter therapist" that teaches platitudes and basic coping skills and that's all. I have had problems with speaking in front of crowds my entire life, so I suck at groups.

To achieve my goal of being a better therapist I will read more social worker manuals. I have been reading books about social anxiety and learn what I can do to be a better speaker, to be able to get my point across. To "not seem mean" as patients have told me in the past. The other goal of learning about myself The end result is developing therapeutic relationships with clients and try to make the world a better place.

To feel more passion, how would that become a reality. The passionate person in me wants to just fall madly in love with someone again. My rational sides says hell no, especially after reading my entries from 2011-2013. The passionate side would probably win out, but who knows. I want to have that feeling of ecstasy, of madness, of stupid obsession like I did at 19

This thought is so irrational but it has weighed on my mind for about a month now. I remember where I ended up last time, 22, broke, and drinking a 12 pack of Busch every night wanting to die. This thought is of a phenomena that I do not see happening, even if I had the perfect person in my life, my shell is so hard that I doubt I would jump down like crazy 19 year old. My mind would not let me have an unhealthy romantic relationship I do not think. I had this thought of having a makeout session in the truck which hasnt happened in like 7 years I dont think. Now I am really off topic, but anyways I am worried that my mind has been permanently altered to not be able to have a healthy relationship. I want to be loved, but want to isolate,

Now I feel like I am rambling.




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