2021-01-20 10:01:35 (UTC)


Some thoughts that were lurking in my mind that I wanna get rid of:

The first time I want to be an older woman.
I met this guy, he has a really deep voice, similar to corpse's voice, he's american but his accent sounds like he came from russia, those deep intimidating voice who you don't wanna fuck up with, so yeah we were talking for a bit, it was mostly me asking him some questions/ being weird, something like will u suck my toes even if I haven't washed it yet or like u likey girls with skirt eh, yeah just being a pervert in general. I guess I made him horny since I talk really perverted, why am I doing that? I think about sex alot and that is something I cannot talk in real life. So yeah then he said he got a boner, I felt like it was my responsibility, so yeah I was thinking oh I can just fake moan and move on but then some part of me, oh what if I just jerk off with a dick, I don't really get turned on when it's just straightforward sex. It was an experiment, so yeah we were doing it online, he takes so long to cum so I started to wonder am I not good lol, and then when he finally did I told him, it took him for a long time then he said " i was waiting for u to cum." It still stays on my mind alot like constantly repeating, it's like finally someone cared for me, Day later we still talked, He was laughing alot and I laughed too since he got a really wholesome laugh, my heart was melting the whole time, so we got to know each other, tryna make him talk blahblahblah, I thought he was not listening but before we end the call he told me " I should be careful online" I know I'm not making any sense right now but being with him it's like stargazing at the sky even in broad daylight, I don't know if he felt guilty being with a young girl since he's a really nice person and a really innocent one meaning out of my league. I hope I could meet someone like him when I do get older heheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee damn. So yup we never talked after he said that.
That's all I do talk with random stranger and observe them, I never really find anyone that I wanna marry but there is this interesting one, he reminds me of a childhood I never had that I wanna have, he's really imaginative and I am pretty intimidated by him, i'm an asshole but with him I developed a new personality, this cringe, sweet personality who's in crave of constant validation most of the time. So yeah I'm kind of jealous of his life, he talks like he's living a movie, the drama, the way he can do whatever he wants too bad he doesn't have anyone there for him, He's surrounded by older people meaning very serious and boring people who can't take dark jokes. Like they will give u holy water for saying something you don't even mean. Well, we all try to act normal in a society because we don't wanna be an outcast, we pretend to understand that we know how to live. I don't know if the people around him are really disgusted or they just pretend to be. well in real life people is never fun, I have never talked to in real life strangers, just classmates where I have a lot to talk about but I never really talked about myself in them, creating another personality, I mean it is still me but I'm just holding back, but back to the topic, I just talk to online people and they are all weird that that has become my new normal, so I don't know what's weird anymore but I do know the lonelier you get the more fucked up your sexual fantasies are. I've met a guy who masturbates to gore, way back then I thought I was weird for liking futanaris but this guy he liked gore with the intestine popping out lol and that weird alien hentai where pterodactyl like species has a dick and fucks girls, wow even aliens have taste anyways so yeah he has a very lonely childhood, he wants some childhood friends, like irl one, cause he has this scary gaze that makes people become scared of him, straight outta toradora ik. he looks pretty attractive tbh. so yeah anyways, no family, no friends, and his ex-girlfriend told him to die. how can you not be angry at the world because of that. I think I talk to boys better because they are more weirder and their sex fantasies are wilder, I also like their pent-up anger and their aggressiveness, I get reallly turned on from that. tmi? tmi. I've been thinking of moving to another country and restarting my life there, I thought of marrying people around the world so I can travel for free lmao. maybe when I'm freshly 18, you know dumb and naive. lol and then they will fight for me maybe i'll try to create my own gameshow where I give them test on who will be my husband husband. oh that sounds really badddddddddd but they'll probably meet kill me and then marry each other. Sometimes I think girls are meant to suck on a guys dick like use guys because guys are really bad at emotion control and even understanding their own emotions and girls can see it all meaning we can manipulate it at freewill, maybe i'll do a research on this since it just came to my thought now and I don't wanna be biased meaning i'm tired and don't wanna think so i'm just gonna use other people words. Ever waking up and feeling like you're not the same person anymore, even the voice in my head feels weird, like it got higher and I started to use broken english but this is not me, I'm not that bad at english, I also have this weird accent where I try to act all cutesy and act dumb on purpose. I think it started on my insecurity and when I was feeling down and I want people to compliment my voice ig. I'm not really sure but I wanna get rid of that. It feels like a virus spreading unto me. why am I acting like i'm bad at english? like I use broken english with my weird accent lmao............................ oh yeah I should look into that to, this diary is really great, like I wouldn't have known this if I haven't wrote this right now. is wrote the rightone? I mean I have done it right now but now it's just then. fuck it, sounds better that way. Ah fuck also this constant anxiety of wanna be funny, eh yeah I've grew past that except when I'm with him. I never really understand why he can like me, it's really odd how I never even talk that much or how he doesn't even know much about me and he says he's in love. I guess you just need a good voice to lure men. Boys are visual and girls are more of a word person/people and now everything makes sense. maybe he's just mistaken lust for love. He'll probably ghost me in a couple months or maybe he fell out in love with me he just didn't notice. I've been there before tryna be in a denial state because we made vows and I said i'm already commited but yeah nah don't really see him in my future. I wanna be with someone who I can be comfortable with, I be myself, he be myself, and we match perfectly. He digs deeper why am I like this instead of saying no I shouldn't be that way. Now I realized my mind is full of humans but no society, I wanna go outside. byebye diary/////////////////////////