Karma Rose

My Secret Thoughts
2021-01-19 21:20:42 (UTC)

My Incest Love Story

Dear stranger,

I've been planning on talking about how I am the black sheep in my family... My brothers even told me that our extended family basically hate me and that I was a strange child- which I know I was. I was a total bitch- I made Jane cry along with some other kids- I just didn't want to be around people in case I was going to be taken advantage of. I didn't feel safe and felt extremely insecure- sometimes, I'm still like that.

First, I disliked my extended family because my aunts/uncles would threaten to beat me for my bad behavior just as my father did, my cousins would bully me (telling me that I was a loner, would throw fireworks at me, and would kick me) and everyone liked Nathan so much more than me. There's just always someone that people love more than me. I'm just pushed aside or used in order to achieve who they truly want to be around.

Funny enough, Chase told me that the only reason they disliked me was because I disliked them. I'd ignore them, would refuse to go to their parties, I'd glare at them, would be condescending/passive-aggressive, etc.. Apparently, that's why they treated me badly- due to this type of behavior. And the only reason I treated them badly was because THEY treated ME badly. There is this one memory I have of my father threatening to beat me (which I think he did) in order to get me to go to my cousin's birthday party and I just cracked- I was bawling and yelled, "How can I go there when they hate me?! They all hate me!" *Sigh* how sad. I still had to go...

My family and I visited Mexico and celebrated Christmas there with our extended family. Under the Christmas tree, there were so many presents for my brothers and cousins... especially for Nathan. I was 10-years-old at the time, and do you know how many gifts I received? I received one present from my uncle which was a hand-me-down from his other daughter- it was a stained, baby toy (which by the way, I hated toys. I'm more of a boxes/notebooks/pens/pencils/erasers kind of gal more than anything else really- I'm a simple girl after all). As for my brothers and cousins, well, they got at least 3-7 gifts each which were all new... I don't like talking about my emotions (especially when I was younger), much less express it to my many aunts/uncles. That night, I went into my grandmother's bedroom, slept on the cold floor, and cried myself to sleep while everyone else was celebrating without me. People hated me and I was use to it- I'm sure they were as well. By the way, I am one of the younger cousins, everyone else was at least a couple years older than me.

*sigh* I think I like being friends with people a couple years older than me because I like the feeling of being the younger one (like a younger sibling in a way), seeing them want to guide me in the right direction, and truly witnessing a kind, older individual who was more human than my family could ever be (I'm rarely friends with people the same age or younger than me after all). Without my friends knowing it, they became role-models to me of the kind of adults I wanted to become. Like I've mentioned before, my cousins were children just like me, so I don't really hold grudges against them. As for my grandmother/aunts/uncles, I'm not so sure of how I feel about them. Also, with the Christmas thing, maybe that's why I always buy myself presents- because nobody bothered to give me anything unless something was expected in return. I worked so hard for everything that I have- is this one of subconscious reasons as to why?

Every Summer as a kid, my parents would bring the family over to Mexico where some of our other family members lived. When I was 13-years-old, I became good friends with my cousin Lago. He was the only cousin who was kind to me, wanted to play with me, never left me out (he always talked to me) and who made me feel like I belonged. Today, Chase told me that apparently there was a family meeting held during that Summer discussing Lago's and my relationship. This is very embarrassing because they thought he and I were going out- making out, that I was fucking him- fuck! I was 13-years-old! Yeah, I was molested and knew about sex, but... I wouldn't do that... The worst part is that they thought we were doing incest- can you believe that? When Chase told me about this family meeting where all my aunts/uncles/couple-of-cousins were talking about what a slut I was, it was extremely upsetting and I was shocked that they talked about me in such detail.

You see, this isn't the worst thing that happened. More shit happened in my childhood, but I just wonder what's even worth mentioning.

At 13-years-old, I believe I was at the peak of my suicide idealization and just didn't want to live anymore because everyone hated me and I was going through so much pain- crying every night. I just wanted it to stop. I loved talking to Lago. He was the first person in my life to ever be kind to me and made me feel as though I belonged. He was 16-years-old and I was 13-years-old, and I can see why people thought he and I were going out. He and I hung out ALL the time; he and I would ONLY want to spend time with each other; I kinda pressured him to let me wear one of his shirts (I didn't know better- I thought it would be cool to wear a guy's shirt and he let me); he'd take me out to different parts of town; would bring me into the conversation with his friends and our families; played card games with me; and he would tell me that I was pretty.

When my brothers were talking about the past that involved him, I reminded my brothers that I was only 13-years-old at the time and that they should cut me some slack. The reason I gave them for hanging out with him a lot was that I felt like everyone hated me, but he didn't- so that's why I was always with him in Mexico. To tell you the real reason (the truth that they don't know about), I had a huge crush on him, and what he and I experienced was an innocent love for each other (shhhh, don't tell anyone). He made me want to keep living. It was quite obvious that I had a crush on Lago. I even begged my family to let me live in Mexico and that my uncle would take care of me. Lago was my favorite person and I wanted to live close to him- all because he was nice to me. I believe that there were times he and I looked into each other's eyes and felt a deep connection for one another. I even felt like giving him a peck on the lips- of course, I couldn't. I knew my feelings for him were the kind that I shouldn't have had- a forbidden love.

I don't remember clearly of what we were talking about, but I remember blushing with him so much after he told me some things- what did he tell me? I don't remember. I just remember the feelings I felt when I was around him and I am sure the feelings were mutual. He was older than me, so everyone (only my family really) was upset by the way he was leading me on and trying to do something to me- which honestly, I would have let him. He was considered a fuck boy, because he was was so good looking and sociable. I think he was my second love- yup, my cousin was my second love. When I was a child, I developed feelings only to those that were kind to me- I'm a simple girl, what can I say.

Random memories of him: When he was telling me about how he liked this one girl, I was so jealous that I told him that he could do better. I'd be his cheerleader when he'd be playing soccer with his friends. Also, not gonna lie, in my father's hometown, most men look VERY attractive physically- and this is very rare of me to actually say since I am rarely physically attracted to someone. Who knows, maybe my type is just other brown people who look like me. *shrug* I believe most people would believe that they're attractive too though- not just me.

I feel bad... I think I made everyone feel uncomfortable because of my obvious feelings for him. Whelp. I'm not going to dwell on it too much. When I think of him, I don't think of the wrongness of my feelings for him, but rather the beautiful moments where he was just nice to me- I enjoyed spending time with him. What is he doing now? Well, now he's an adult, got married, is a teacher and is living a wonderful life in Mexico. Our family members hate him, just as they hate me too- they always say crap behind his back. He definitely did change though. I've heard rumors that he'd go into MY home in Mexico and would have sex with his girlfriends on the beds I have there. He would also take my father's van to also have sex there too. Also, I heard he asked my father to gift MY house to him since he was getting married- I mean, at least offer to pay for it- regardless though, that's my house and I love it. Low-key, the next time I go to Mexico, I wouldn't mind giving you all a tour of my home there. Maybe show you a few places I like when I'm there. Yeah, he doesn't really talk to me anymore and actually avoids me- I don't know why- I guess he finds me uncomfortable to be around. Growing older, I've matured and don't really mind being alone anymore and being hated by some people- I'm used to it. I'm just grateful for the memories he gave me- that's enough for me. It's been a while since I thought of him though- until my brothers brought him up today.

Whelp. Today I ate teriyaki chicken (which my brothers and I got diarrhea from- never gonna eat there again), a couple bites of a chicken bake, a Popsicle (my brother offered), a lil bit of chips, some apple juice (very nostalgic- I used to drink apple juice all the time when I was in high school) and a ton of water. I couldn't keep up with my fast, so I'ma have to change that goal. I'll just start with doing it on MWF from 3 to 7 and slowly add on more days- I was really hungry and my stomach was seriously hurting. I did workout today which reminds me- when I woke up, my ass was soooooo sore! Who knows, maybe I can grow an ass out of this. *Yawn* so tired. That's all I have for today! Until tomorrow my beautiful strangers!

From yours truly,
Karma Rose

P.S. Song of the day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2A5w-1faqI&ab_channel=7clouds
"Some mistakes get made
That's alright, that's okay
You can think that you're in love
When you're really just in pain
Some mistakes get made
That's alright, that's okay
In the end it's better for me
That's the moral of the story babe"
Don't be too hard on yourself. <3




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