marielmia

Mariel is MIA
2021-01-18 13:41:20 (UTC)

Boys, egos and their D


I wrote an entry yesterday, but scratched it. Maybe being anonymous here has me sharing too much. I don't know. I just write what i feel. Thoughts directly form my brain to the keyboard. I am so up in the air right now. I do know i am grateful to my friends here, who keep my spirits up so I don't have to drink them up!

The weekend was eh. I really wanted Lunchie to come to my place again Friday, but he preferred his place, so i caved. He did text me all Friday about "liberating" me in a few new ways, now that he had a clean bill of health. Part of the reason i wanted to be at my place. I need that comfort zone of my own home to go new places with a guy. But, i packed up a few items and off this his place.

Things were good Friday, but I think sometimes, guys build up the moment and it's too much pressure, which is what happened. Dinner was good and we watched S3 of The Crown, with him sneaking feels throughout. Playful, with a purpose, and believe me, i was ready.

But, of course, self created pressure has a funny way of showing itself. He had me pretty excited and my apprehension at offering him what he wanted melted quickly. It should have been hot. It's been hot in beds, in bathrooms, in trucker sleeper cabs and in the most fucked up places. So his moment came and maybe i wasn't the easiest to get into there, he was one and done. This is my worst nightmare. It always has been. I've been through it with guys on several occasions and they all react differently. Few are ok. They either get all defensive or frustrated or blame me for being to aggressive. Lunchie was silent. Which would have been ok, except when he did want to talk, it was all about his ex wife, which he referred to as his "wife", and that i was so easy to be with and so open. Like she never "is." Yeah. Present tense. So, a mixed bag of things i like to hear and those i def do not. Boys, no girl wants to hear about your ex. And never in the present tense!

I told him i was ok, that sometimes things aren't so smooth in the bedroom, but that didn't go well and he huffed out to the kitchen. I debated going out there, but stayed in bed, eventually falling asleep. I think i briefly awoke when he came back to bed, but it was late. In the morning, i suggested we do something so we ran errands together. I wasn't sure he was over it yet. He was mainly quiet. Something i'm not used to. I'm attracted to forceful, confident men. I do want this to work, but i have that impending feeling.

A few things happened Saturday and Sunday, but i need time to process them. I have therapy today, so i think i'll feel better about things after that. At least i hope to.

XOXO,
Mariel




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