If I die today
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2021-01-18 07:07:36 (UTC)

almost there

So this is about a man of course.. Thats what got my lifes focus right now. Hopefully I'm getting this right or least close to it but it does seem I have someone to love and that wants the commintment. Ndea talked to his daughters mother saturday soon as he left here and so now he's got a cleaner consioucs I suppose he's still a little goofy I thonk he just feels bad for her. Anyhow he seems to be going forward with getting free and the thing is he was never comminted to her. We will see how things go but wouldnt you know this is someone who wants a marrige futuristly and asked me if the oppruinty did come would I be open to it so of course I exsplained the legal ordeal and he mentioned that he could take care of that. IDK what that means but I've never exspected a man to bail me out but I think he's suggesting if we ever get to that point he will help. Which would be ages away from now I would suppose but ya know my heart with the whole GOd thing I struggle somewhat with guilt and do the back n fourth thing about is it okay for me to be with someone when Im "legally" still married to bozo. So anyhow maybe theres hope for a free future and even if he's not my man maybe I shoud start thinking harder about would it ever possible and to not just settle for the state i;m in. I really like him and he has a lot to offer emptionally mentally but also as a human has quirks and then theres drama he hasnt dated in 25 years so have to be careful about making sure I'm not just a good idea but that we actually like each other as in and could accept and love who we are right now if we accept each other. BC I have learned not to commintent to a man with aspirations or assumations or hopes that the things I cant stand are gonna change bc the relationship did. He has really just came as a suprise. So I suppose I feel a little more hope for a pure heart before God but I would soo soo love if lets say it actually happened with the right man that I had time on earth got thru the divorce process and entered into a marriage and relationship that glorifies God no room or reason for doubt or critisim. Not much sleep last night no drinking yesterday but lotsa coffee and I think it was like 2oclockis when Ndea took me to starbucks.. Which I happen to know is evil but hey he likes it and doesnt know and the line at Roasters was a bit long .. So I'm thinking about getting back on the midiodrine 3*s a day as wwell the doctor keeps reccomending but "ive taken myself down to as needed over the past year without really telling the doc. I'm not sure yet but that would defintly leave less room for problems to come up itll cost me the price of thee meds probally 10bucks or something with this medicare stuff I have but if I do get low on BP and too disoriented and do something stupid I'll be screwed my idendence taken or if I pass out just once and hit my head or something just right that raises any sorta question if I get medical then thats another way I could get my idenpence taken. So I've gotten really be thinking how much I'm trusting what I'm doing that I actually am taking it in time when it drops do I feel every BP drop before its too too low IDK.. Obviously I've made bad choices before with the bp and landed in the ER but was it bc I missed something or bc I chose to ignore it? Anyhow I have well chores and some running today yesterday the phone banking system was just down no exsplation just said its down try back later so I asked Ndea if after work today I couldnt get a transfer done could he take me to do it? so maybe this afternoon a small trip .I am tired thou and lazy right now. It should be in the 40's for runnin so after housechores I need to try and if It's too much well I already did todays classical stretch was "zero impact cardio" I dont know what the 2pm workoout will be but if I sustain a good diet I'll be ok on activies for today. I suppose pretty selfish day to die but that all I got on the brain right now.

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