2021-01-18 14:17:05 (UTC)

(I forgot to post this and don't known when I wrote it)

It was nice seeing my sisters, even though there were moments that reminded me why we're not close.
L's habitual way of putting me down, and her lack of empathy. How even now, she still doesn't realise how good she's got it. K's stubbornness when it comes to the topic of natural health supplements; I could feel her eyes harden, silently accusing me of being negative or something. But in some ways, I think we have more in common in regards to lived life.

Lei did everything the "right" way, and she knows it. She probably subconsciously feels superior to us and doesn't realise.

I remember when she called us both "fuck-ups" (just to me) and how she "has to be" the one that isn't. Perhaps now she knows that it's not a burden, but an ability, a blessing. I hope she does anyway.

I also remember Kaam's little ways of winding me up. Although, I'm sure she's viewed my attempts at helping her - both the misguided and the educated - in a similar way. And she was a child herself then.

I know I'm over-sensitive as well. That I dwell on the past too much.

Kaam and I both bore the brunt of our mum's mistakes, and the youngest got to have the best of her. Kaam got to know her as a fellow parent and adult, Lei got to know her as her own parent.

I'm trying to figure out what I got.

Insight into her hopes and fears? However forensic.
Some weird middle-child's middle-ground between the 2.

It's OK that I feel like crying. I'm not spiralling. I'm reflecting.

It's cold but I'd like to have a shower regardless.