Beauty in Darkness
Dirty 30s, maybe?
I switched phones, wrote the password down somewhere, lost the password but I figured it out. So here I am!
I went through this weird phase after Christopher. I lost my mind temporarily I think.
I went to a wedding recently. The bride is a good friend of mine and the groom is my ex husband's best friend. That's the thing with divorce. Your friends kind of have to choose sides. I'd never ask them to, but I think they feel obligated to avoid any type of awkwardness between the exes.Does that make sense?
Seeing Chris for the first time in forever almost knocked me on my ass. Fucking asshole looked amazing. The bride was torn between being a loyal friend to me and bitch to Chris's wife. I, however, did not give a damn about anyone that night, except the newlyweds.
I had too much to drink that night and I found Chris outside, smoking a cigarette. We sat in silence for a bit. I remember saying 'You look good' and Chris saying 'You too'
Any decent human being would leave their ex alone, especially if they're married.Know what I mean? I wish I could blame my temporary insanity or whatever but the next part was all me. He was under the influence and I was under the influence, it happens.
He said 'I miss you' and I said 'I miss you too' when I should've said 'Go back to your wife'
Or maybe there was this part of me that wanted to destroy a part of their beautiful marriage. Maybe I just wanted to be the villain for once. I do believe a very small part of me, deep down wanted to know what it would feel like to be the other woman. The mistress, the homewrecker. Or whatever you kids call it these days. It only lasted about five minutes, but I let my ex husband touch me and I kissed him back. We heard voices and we stopped. I ran back inside the hall and avoided him and his wife for the rest of the night. It happened a few weeks ago and I still hate myself for doing what I did. Chris tried to call me the next morning. I ignored his calls for obvious reasons and I haven't seen him since that night.
I even tried to contact CM. I don't know why. Like I said, I lost my mind temporarily. Actually, that is a lie.
I missed him. Can you believe that?
I wrote a damn novel, telling him how I missed him, plus a bunch of other bs. Longest email I'd ever written. Luckily, I realized last minute that it was a terrible fucking idea so I deleted the email before I hit send.
He's with someone now. I'm 99.9% sure of it. And he's toxic. I can't explain why I felt the need to contact him.
I'm an idiot, that's why.
I went to work, kept to myself mostly. Christopher was there every day. He gave me the cold shoulder at first. But then we started talking again. We exchanged a few words here and there and eventually we started making jokes. In a few weeks, the past was forgotten and we were friends again.
Our 'friendship' didn't last long, though, because we couldn't keep our hands to ourselves. As soon as we got comfortable with each other again I started fantasizing about him yet again. That soon turned into 'drinks at his house'.
So now we're kind of friends with benefits.
And I'm thinking there's a chance I might be a sex addict and I'm not even kidding.
I'm a nutcase and a nymphomaniac.