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2021-01-15 14:43:28 (UTC)

sigh it's another one of THOSE entries

"How I Get Myself Killed" by Indigo De Souza

January 15, 2020 Friday 1:44 PM

Going on day three of being isolatory and anxious. I'm getting annoyed by it all, I hate having to sneak out of my room and largely avoiding eye contact, etc. I'm bored and sad. I don't want to be around other people lol. Either as a consequence of wanting to be alone or as a cause to it, sometimes when I'm talking to people, I remember halfway through that I'm a real person and it is an unpleasant revelation. Y'know, 'cause I'm in here so long my skin sort of dissolves into the air of everything (thinking of Shinji disappearing into the LCL hahaha).

I figure if I'm spending so much time alone, I can probably do productive things. So today I have resolved to try and write 500 word stories/essays. I dunno if this will be possible. I've always been pretty bad at the short-short stories. My current short story is, like, already probably between 10,000 and 20,000 words. And it began at around 6,000. But I should get better at it anyways. It's always been a shortcoming (hah) of mine, and I have time on my hands. Time that I should stop dedicating to Saiki K (besides, I already finished the series for the second time...).

Some observations:
1) this change in mood does not seem to be correlated with my period. Last time, I was in a bad mood which immediately lifted the day my period started—this was November. Also, by the way, I had my last period of the year in November! Which I think of as an accomplishment, to go through the whole of December without bleeding. I was happy with that. Anyways. This time, I felt good all the way up to the start of my period and through it. Obviously, spots of anxiety and such, but nothing consistent. It's only been after that my mood has dipped. But those are two data points. So I will probably have to continue recording.

2) My spike in anxiety seems to be directly associated with my job search, lol. Future-anxiety. Post-college issues. All these volunteer abroad programs cost fucking money. I am without skills. My spanish isn't really good enough to make me a useful translator/interpreter. My videography skills are also probably not good enough to get me hired filming and editing commercials or training videos for some Chilean company lol. I am scrambling for something to do—something useful, and not shameful. I feel like a five-year-old. I always have that feeling—that no one should hire me.

What does this tell me:

Tells me that, for one thing, I should work on my self-esteem. I've spent these past days trying to forget myself (once again, my failure to compartmentalize—I can't see anything as good or fun right now, I'm restless and impatient). And alternately berating myself. I keep seeing my past as a spotty failure in consistency, in dedication. There is only one thing I've ever stuck to, and that is writing, and it is not enough. People who love me see me as way more capable and educated than I am. So I don't trust them when they say I'll be fine. My sister doesn't tell me I'll be fine, and I appreciate this. The things she says are much more concrete.

But anyway, self-esteem. I can't be spending all this time wanting to vomit up some acid-loosened entrails. It's not healthy and it's not productive. Fuck, even those words—so trivializing. And that's exactly the problem, I can't always be trivializing myself or I won't be able to get better. A big part of me doesn't want to get better, wants to drive myself into the ground as soon as I feel the slightest slant towards sadness. So I want to hurt myself—the way I want to hurt other people, you know—say all the terrible things and sit in my room stewing in the smell of myself. Rocking back and forth and perched in my chair (hard time sitting still). In my dream, Caroline told me to get tested for ADHD. I was so angry, not at her, but in general—feeling like the world failed me. But of course, every negative feeling I have is ultimately reflexive, and so I become angry at myself for not being different. Unreasonable, but so it goes.

Lololol. Ugh this is so much. Doing the thing where I roll my eyes because how is this an issue when I was literally listening to the radio an houra go—all about the siege and the general failure of our democracy? Of our two-party system??? I'm avoidant and I hate hearing about it, I really do. Have no idea how not to feel useless. I was just wondering what Elise would think. I was thinking she'd probably be really sad and discouraged about it, and would write an entry grappling with her personal understanding of people (all the folks around her, as imperfect as they are, still beautiful) versus what the general trend looks like (violence in the news, etc.—would probably mention the reliability of newscasting or something). Some message that would be mixed positive/negative, as she was good at doing. Almost berating humanity while also loving it gently. Weird. I wanna say it would end on an up-note—the way her diary did—but I don't know if it would. I didn't know her well enough to say. And besides, she'd be different by now. Exhausted, probably, by the state of things over the past 4-5 years (the years she has missed). I don't know, I still see her maintaining the same positive energy despite everything. Because that's how I remember it. Whether I am right or not.. well, I mean. How could we know?

Anyway, this train of thought always leads me to wish I was a better person. We talked on the phone once and I paced back and forth nervously. I probably still would, but back then, I was even more entrenched in my own head so I don't know. I don't know how the conversation felt to her. She wouldn't have been able to write about it honestly, because she knew I read her diary. But I wasn't really a big figure in her life either. Just present enough to get a name—Athena—and that was about it. Anyway, I wanna say I hope she's all right, and I don't know what I mean when I say that! But, you know. It always makes me feel a bit better, to think about her. Because I feel then like I can do better than I am doing now. If that makes any sense.

Okay. Revitalized by memory (rare thing right there). Yeah. So uh. I have pretty bad self-esteem. I have to resist the urge to make it worse. And remember that everything is going to be okay. Really okay. I'm young and I *do* have skills. I'm not a prodigy—I never have been—but that's okay. I'm still capable of learning. And I should hold on to those moments that made me feel good. I'm going to take some deep breaths and just. Get ready for the day (yeah I know it's 2 PM lol). Plan to make something delicious for dinner (I CUT APART A WHOLE FISH THE OTHER DAY. I FILLETED IT). Take a walk. Talk to my mom a bit (hopefully about something other than my anxiety).

All easier said than done, because truth be told, I still feel like shit. But I mean. I already practiced piano today and tidied up my room. That's a thing in itself. That's some work. I can do it. I can build the skills that will allow me to be a normal person. :D

FUCK, I keep forgetting to write about this, but Isaac and I had a capital-T Talk. Long story short, we aren't speaking to each other right now, in an amicable way. He said he was fine still talking to me, but I decided I could still use the space, so I told him I wanted it. So far, I haven't used the space productively, in that I haven't really considered next steps. I do think about him, obviously, but I just don't know how to continue our friendship in a way that doesn't require me putting energy into keeping him a certain distance from me. Anyway ya. That's that on that.

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