Friday, 4th July 2014
Friday afternoon, 4th July 2014
As you can see by the date it's Friday, so I've returned to Sligo.
It was so strange on Wednesday when Emanoel caught me while writing.
He was sitting at the top of the stairs, looking down with a wondrous facial expression - full of glee and wonder.
I immediately stopped, and as I walked by him I just gave a sort of smile and continued on into the bedroom where I put this notebook safely away in my school bag.
It wasn't long before he followed me in and questioned: "What were you writing, Jay?"
"Ah not much really...just a lot of drivel from mixed thoughts and feelings...nothing special!"
"Oh, right. So, like a diary?"
Though I can now safely say, by myself, that I see these notebooks far more than typical diaries, at the time I could only manage to agree with Emanoel - so I wouldn't strike him with even more curiosity...
I thought this would be the end of the matter, but then Emanoel grinned and asked if he could read it!
The situation would have been awkward if I walked away, so I let him read a few of the first pages, and that way he could have an idea of my writing style.
"Oh, Jay, this stuff you wrote is very deep and emotional... How long have you been writing?"
"Just a few years. I'm keeping them for memories to look back on, and maybe a printed manuscript later on when I'm older to show family members or a very dear friend."
"That's a great idea! Who inspires you?"
"I really love The Diary of Anne Frank and a book for teens called The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky... I really admire the way the two books are uniquely written as novels, and that's why I've adopted this idea to write in a series of letters to a friend I can imagine to be understanding of my life situations."
As we were talking, Emanoel ended up sitting across from me on the couch in the living room.
I never before noticed how his eyes lit up so bright as they had that evening; he genuinely seemed to be taking an interest in my work - and was seeing a side to me that was "contemplative", as he so put it...
Because Emanoel could see that I was opening up to him, it wasn't long before the tables had turned and the conversation became more emotional.
Slowly, Emanoel was trying to be as honest as he could about his feelings with me.
I will always appreciate his courage because of that; even if some of the things he said were hard to hear.
It really can't be easy on him: coming to live in a foreign country and leave behind all those he loves in order to learn the language... Primarily, it was Emanoel's choice to study abroad, but I'll never understand why he came to such an uninteresting "village" like Sligo. For him, it's a beautiful town and an easy place to live.
But anyway, I felt sad for Emanoel when he admitted still loving his ex-girlfriend who is back in Brazil.
At first, I felt an aching pang in my chest when he said the word love, and then I knew I had no business to judge...but to simply listen and cooperate within trust... Emanoel was laying back with his sweet head on my knees, looking up at me as he began to reflect on their relationship.
"She made too many mistakes, Jay. Things are very different now and I'm going to make big changes once I return to Brazil!"
"But, Emanoel, you can't sit there and say you haven't made your own mistakes, either.
Maybe you did do the right thing by ending the relationship because of the distance and your mistrust in her for sleeping with your friend. But what about the incident you made in regret on your French girlfriend?
During a night out, you told me a guy kissed you while drunk...and you didn't exactly resist... The next day the guy found out you had a girlfriend, got jealous and confronted her that you were 'gay' and she left you."
"That's different, Jay!"
"The circumstances may as well be seen as different, but it's a mistake you made and it's important you know this!
You can't really hold grudges against your ex; when the truth is we're all human and do stupid things on impulse...
We're you already broken up with your ex when you found out she was being with your friend?"
"Yes, I was already in Ireland..."
"There, you see? She wasn't being unfaithful to you or anything like that...she was just lonely and found comfort when it ended... Besides, taking in both situations, I think if I were to compare; your mistake was a little more complicated - as you were in a relationship when you kissed that guy!"
"I didn't kiss him at first, he came onto me..."
"Okay, okay...but you get what I mean."
"I hate that guy for what he did... It was so embarrassing!"
"I can only imagine."
"I was happy with her... but then he ruined everything."
After a while, the conversation switched to being about us, and I had to be brutally honest with him.
"I have to admit that it isn't easy on me to hear you say you still love your ex...
I know us together has only being a short time...but we've been through so much together. And it isn't easy on you, I know that; this new way of connecting with someone... Just wanna thank you for not giving up on me when I was down!"
"Jay, why would I be giving up? I like being with you... You're different than any person I've been with... You think about life and have hope to make the world a better place... I know you're gonna help a lot of people."
"Have I helped you in any way?"
"Yes, just by making me happy and staying close to me no matter what..."
That was the nicest thing he's said to me in a long time - and even though I hadn't enough words of gratitude to express in words, Emanoel could see very well how thankful when I visibly began to blush!