legacy

If I die today
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2021-01-14 07:17:17 (UTC)

flowers

So yesterday went well with Ylinse but before hand I got a text she was dropping her daughter off with our friend. I assumed its bc I am a PIA shopping and yep I think it came up inconverstation of course lovingly but I mentioned to her I'm a shipwreck shopping and its reaaly reaaly bad like this isn't what I want to be I get so overwhelmed and anxious so I volunteered for her to feel free to nudge me along when I'm unreasonable whic I think will actually help me. I just feel like an ass bc I know I'm so dysfucntional but I just dont know what to do. I also cant burden her that much it isnt right and I can tell I'm becoming overwhelming. :( I really hate myself on a functional social level I really do not understand how people do things. LIke I just can't it get so caught up. I also know thou I can't put that all on her. Soo IDK what I'm gonna do we agreed on shopping once a month and out friend will sit for her daughter but IDK I just feel bad bc I've always beeen very dystfunctional and I know I'm fighting an uphill battle with transportion. I may be ordering a lot more online orrr theres Ndea who I briefly let in on the deal and said can you help me I can't keep do in this to her and yea know he was all of course . So I got home last night I actually foound froxen pizza in alberstons that was managable it seemed allergey safe and well even if I was wrong I ate it and am alive can't attrubute any major defects to it so thats that. I made that instead of ordering out. Then Ndea showed up while I was coooking outta the blue and he had flowers.. Seriously like a dozen roses nice vase n all. I mean real flattery.. I dont really get flowers but the fact that noones done that so proper ever for me before is mind blowing. makes me wanna love him but cant let my inner crazy get ahold of me and if he doesnt figure it all out he will wear himself thin. Then Iguess what I got a CALL unexspected and.. the drama yep it was gGre and I still dont have the heart to tell him yet and theres some things I wanna be very clear on with Ndea before I let go of that man. :( IDK I"m an ass the good news is thou I still havnt had sex since hJos so well I suppose thats saying something morally who I am tryin to become.. Althou like lets say this track keeps in in about 3 weeks I probally will be contently commited to nDea but IDK whats gonna happen. I have some ideas. Why is this revelent if I die.. Well I actually had the real whole expiernce now a man doing it right all out FULL dosen and it was a suprise I'd never thought Id actually have a reall expiernce or relationship. I am concerned thou bc Ndea and I have been communicting by cell phone and I still suspect Walter was succefull at hacking my phone back in the days of eMik nNelso when we were besties. I could be wrong but Ndea mentioned to me something in convoreation of his own free will unpompted bc we were tallkin about dog shit.. yep bc the neighbors always let theeir dog crap everywhere and he mentioned to me oh hell I was in 5 the other day and that dudes a f'in liar his dogs shit everywhre. The fact he said Liar thou tells me he holds no creditbility to him thank GOd. IDK if there will ever be drama or conflict but you never know what could happen if the guy is a cyber crook and has the ability to do the hacking I've credited him with then Ndea might be fucked too IDK how but it could end up in problmes somehow.. Somehow it could... So IDK today I dont know who the heck I am on where I'm going I want to do life right but I dont know if thats a realistic exspection.


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