Who am I

Discovering Me
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2021-01-14 02:07:18 (UTC)

Another day....

I kept myself busy today. Maybe if I do that, I won't think about the things that are making me so anxious and sad.

It was strange, but twice now, two articles popped up out of the blue that deal with adult child estrangement. It was so eerie. It was almost like those articles were telling my story. The articles didn't make me feel any better about the situation, but it did say that it is happening more and more for various reasons. Again, that didn't make me feel any better. It is so hard because it just puts everything in limbo. I love R with every fiber of my being. I would do anything to fix things, but I know that if I did, I would never be able to be myself around them. I would have to watch every little thing I would do or say. R's reality of our lives is so different than what mine is. It makes me question everything. I'm not so stubborn that I can't admit when I'm wrong. I've always taken responsibility for my actions, but I know that what R thinks is not how things were. It is just so bizarre.

In the meantime, I saw my oncologist for a follow up. I thought I would be done jumping through all the cancer hoops. She laughed and said that unless I'm cancer free for 5 years, I have to keep seeing her and I have to keep getting various tests. So, I am making appointments for ultrasounds, x-rays, an upper endoscopy, and a colonoscopy. Fun! The last two things have nothing to do with my boobs so I don't get why I have to do those things. I'll grudgingly do it though because I never want to go through cancer again.

Tomorrow is another day. I'll keep going and I will try to find that peace that seems to be so elusive. Time to crash out for the night.


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