today hasnt been easy. about ..
today hasnt been easy. about 1am i was repeatedly telling him not to buy drugs because our kids need food. although that should have been enough to convince him not to go i also told him that i do not want the drugs i our home any longer and i dnt want him to return if he buys any. he knows that i am trying to quit and yet he still left and returned with some. how can you use your family as an excuse to get out of any bad situation youre in but then you go and choose drugs over food for your kids. and also how can he say he loves me when he offers me and brings the drugs around that i am trying to quit, that is the worst thing you can do to someone trying to quit.
although he spent the money he had, we still had some coming from the casino so i know we could have survived another day or two without groceries so i didnt speak up much because i know all that does is cause argues. why does he do things that he hates to hear about? if you dont like to hear what a awful things you do then dont do those things. it seems so simple. come to find out not only did he waste the cash for food he had he also PLAYED with the casino money we NEED for food. he didnt get any sort or high or fun he just played the money away for no reason at all. then when i get upset... yet UPSET that their father would do this then he just says he desnt wanna hear it. like he just wants to forget about it.. as if he doesnt have kids that need to eat. all he does is say he feels bad then gets mad that we dont pity him for feeling so bad about what he id. how can someone even be like this. he wants me to comfort him because he mad decisions that are affecting our kids and that we arent going to have food. i am writing this because he doesnt want to hear me and i need to try to wrap my mind around the way he thinks because i just DONT GET IT.how can you care so little? how can you not try to fight for a better life for your kids? how can you not just LEAVE when you are causing your own kids to live in some sort of hell.
if he cared and really couldnt control his shitty decisions he would just leave because he knows that we dont deserve these things. but instead all he cares about is trying to get anything he wants, trying to find his own happiness and not caring if that means us dealing with so much bull shit every day and NIGHT.
How can he not see what he has right infront of him? how can he treat me with such hatred after doing so many awful and EVIL things to me and behind my back. i dont think he even thinks about all the things hes done. i know i dont like to think about any of it because its just so horrible and i feel so stuck so whats the point in thinking about all the bad things hes done/
i hate how he takes credit and prides himself in changing so much because he doesnt him me anymore. cant he see that its actually just the fact that i sit here and take all the name callings and mental abuse. whenever i have something to say or even stick up for my own babies then the physical stuff starts again.the way he treats me i wouldnt treat anything or anyone. his face is plastered fr thr world to see that he raped a $20 prostitute and he gets mad thati am embarrassed by it??? how does he justify the way he treats me? anyone treat someone this way? i dont even feel like a person anymore im just here existing barely taking care of my kids and barely being alive. im just a way for him to get what he wants and to live his life for free.
i was hoping writiing some of this out would help me understand the way he thinks or some reaosns why he is like he is but this is only leaving me more speechless and leaving me more awar of my reality. how can i do better here? i want better for my children and myself too. no one deserves to live in this complete hell i call a life. what am i going to do? i dont feel strong enough to do anything just hope that he will change but i feel so stupid for thinking he still will wake up one day and see what he has