Jen just jen
full :: transparency
I've taken another day off work, and I'm not doing much. I've been mostly living by what keeps me happy in the moment, and I feel a lot calmer today for it.
I miss school today, I miss being forced to work for something outside of me, that was ultimately for me. I guess, forcing myself into an education was becoming. I needed that strict forcing.
I keep mulling over whether we'll ever be good as long term partners. When I'm keeping myself happy and intentional with living, yes, but when I'm messy and unintentional, and rather lazy, I can't imagine us working. He's driven, and while I want to get there again, I also really want to have a sense of self, and a calmness that I don't have to fight for on a moment to moment basis.
What drives me? I'm wondering today if it's really that selfish desire for comfort, and happiness. And whether I could continue with that indefinitely.
These aren't honestly things about me I want to change. I've tried making a living for myself, and while I miss it,
I sound disgustinng
have lost my personal identity to anger and fear and cowardice or whatnot, and trying to find some sense in it all, or recover, is such an unbearable thought of a journey.
I haven't actually honestly thought about what it would take for me to personally get to a place where I can mentally have a healthy relationship with myself, and that's the real problem here.
I worry that the only way I could get to a place where I'm disciplined enough to trust in my own follow through is through some sort of solitary confinement or just really, unwaveringly strict practices in my personal maintenance. I don't trust how my emotions have so much influence over me, and how little control I have over them overall. I fear the only way for me to develop the discipline necessary for self-trust would be through a mental framework that would exacerbate my own impatience with myself. I wouldn't trust myself to face the unkindness in living with other people I care about and still make it through as a person, alive, and separate, if that makes sense.
Last time I really tried to get my life together it really was a process of grounding my emotions in reality. I did it by looking at what I needed to do and getting it done, and I didn't heed any attention to how I felt about the thing itself or how I felt about myself, I just did it. The accumulation of those small achievements allowed me to have some sort of report with myself that allowed me to slowly gain strength to have sway over where those actions were taking me. I was focused on a higher imagined goal that I built on my own, in my own imagination that I built.
I lost sight of it when rubber hit the road too hard.
I look today at how I feel about myself, and it just feels like something I'm not working for. Or, if I am it feels overwhelming, like a future that's impossible is breathing down my every step. and I let myself crumble, half of the time.
I'm not sure what to say to nick about any of this. I get dizzy and lately my stomach fills with air because of this sort of feeling I hold about myself, and our relationship.