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2021-01-13 13:19:49 (UTC)

Silly fragile light-skin rant

I feel like I'm slipping from white-assumed to a kind of subconscious white-passing. I don't know which way I talk is the way I'm supposed to talk in informal situations. Tbh I must've absorbed some BS about the "proper" way to speak, and was too autistic or just naive at the time to realise I was just alienating myself doing that. (It's useful in the formal situations that I'm too "low functioning" to actually be in, and occasionally for being accused of being posh by randoms.) Eventually I let myself just speak however came naturally, but I'll hear myself essentially move between 2 accents still. Even hints of north England still.

In the predominantly white social community I'm in (before covid shut down everything) the one time I really felt at home was while I was hanging out with a group that included 2 Nigerian men (ofc I'm of Carribean not African, but growing up where I did had a mix of both populations, and having mostly black teachers) speaking to each-other in Nigerian accent.

Doesn't help that I've become estranged from half of my family. So I just exist in this weird limbo where my racial identity is this blank space. Do I have any right to rep Barbados when all I can recall of the place is fishcutters and the weirdly American style food from church picnics? Can I rep SW when I live in N and never fucking leave the house?

Winding myself up for being such a fragile light-skin. Spent 18 years staring at screens and disassociating and my whole life being socially retarded, and I need a therapist. I need to book an appointment. And stop obsessing over how of I'm supposed to say plant-ane or plan-tin both are correct it's just a stupid meme.

Back when I watched TV that wasn't just animation (although that's always been my preference) shows with black people in them interested me far more than shows with only white people. Little Miss Joceylin and 3 Non-Blondes felt more real to me than EastEnders or w/e even tho they're comedy shows.

I suppose my mistake was never really building relationships with black people (not that I'm great at building relationships with anyone in general, see: autism.) Perhaps black people were just always around me, in sight, and that's why it felt weird being in whiter areas, and now Brixton is so full of white people that it unnerves me. (But hey, the person I call my BFF is black! Yay go me!)

I don't talk to anyone on my paternal side, which is the part with my black side. There's various traumas I couldn't deal with. Now there's some I feel I might be ready to face, but I second-guess my motivations to. Do I just want to "prove" I'm black, or do I actually want to connect with Bajian culture? ("that's an oxymoron" as my father once said, and although he's a worthless nonce I think I see where he's coming from.) I suppose connecting with family is also a valid reason, but then why go for THAT side, the risky side?

God so much to unpack just light the whole suitcase on fire and by suitcase I mean me.