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2021-01-11 20:00:55 (UTC)

fast-thoughts, think fast, how it feels to eat your cat

January 11, 2020 Monday 7:01 PM

On my way back from my COVID test, right before I crossed diagonally to my house, I saw a man with a silhouette like Sandwich's, and I thought for a moment that he had the same slight limp too. He didn't, and the closer he got, the less familiar the shape seemed. Something about those words grasp at a dream. Last night's dream, which I remember in great detail. But I think I must be missing whatever part goes with this daytime event.

I'm writing a story about a guy who accidentally eats his cat and then feels really bad about it. That single sentence is a bad summary, and I know that because people always respond the wrong way. Or maybe they're the wrong people. Isaac said something like, "Did he make him into soup and slurp him up," in a way that made me feel like we had very different aesthetic leanings, and my dad said, "That sounds grotesque," in a way that was not a compliment. And when I told Matt, half-laughing and half-crying at 3 AM at the time I was first drafting it—the end of last semester—all he did was ask if I was okay. Nobody seemed to find the premise as funny as I found it.

Which has me thinking. Why DO I find it funny? I try to explain it by saying "it's funny because it's not," or, "it's funny because it's sad." But plenty of things are unfunny or sad without making me laugh. So what it is about this particular situation? And other ones, like my dad crying in my room at 8 AM about how my mom didn't love him anymore—I was 12 years old and I hated him at the time, so I rolled over and went back to sleep. I think that's hilarious.

Not just because of my reaction, but the entire drama of the situation, considering their marriage has survived just fine and they DO love each other. I guess maybe at the time they were having marital troubles. Mom did tell me they went to couples' therapy for awhile. In the end, it was my mom who conceded in whatever ongoing conflict that had taken root in their relationship—whether rightly or not is unknown. I'm always inclined to think she bit the bullet, so to speak, and lost out on a lot. But it doesn't really matter, does it? Since they're happy.

Anyway, I try to figure out what makes that so funny. With the cat thing, I know I don't really think someone eating their cat is funny at all. I think it's actually really sad, to have eaten an innocent source of comfort, which was simultaneously pleading with you to please, please, let me go (ya the cat speaks english... I thought that would be funny too. And also horrifying to hear).

Animal stuff depresses me. I can list off the top of my head several traumatizing stories, and many of them are traumatizing because of the animal stuff. Sightseers (there's a lot about this movie that's traumatic, tho, lol), The Lobster (likewise), Where the Red Ferns Grow, I Am Legend. It's the animal stuff that really gets me.

Maybe that's why I decided on the cat thing. I wanted to really hurt/haunt the main character, and this was the best way for me to do it, I suppose. But if I know it's not funny— if I *chose* it because it isn't funny— well, I don't know. I think the Lobster's funny too. I laugh at the Lobster even when the shittiest things happen. Again, not because the situation is funny at all; I suppose I'm laughing at the reactions of the involved characters.

Or maybe I'm laughing because I have limited reactional options. I can laugh and feel sick, or I can cry and feel sick. I was thinking, that either one dissociates you a degree away from the situation; relieves you from the reality of it. An important function to the digestive process of memory—the relinquishing of sensation.

I think I've experienced the moments where I don't relinquish. Where I just don't cry and I don't laugh, and I just sit with it. Those are equally dissociating, though. I'm still amused and torn apart.

Everything feels so far away sometimes, even in what I think is supposed to be it's purest form. I'm always one wall separate from the world (I think about kissing, or hugging, about how every moment I'm narrating and analyzing and it's so quiet that I can't get out if it—I might as well attempt to crawl away from my eyes). And yet, sometimes I feel it touching me directly and I keep sobbing and stuff, to try and get it away and out, but I keep feeling it over and over again. A migraine of emotion. I wonder if that's pure feeling?

It's unpleasant, even when it's good. I've had that happy feeling that's too big for my body, and makes me sort of sick and restless with the energy of it. I get sort of frustrated with how full of love I suddenly feel, so full it's impotent and I have to cry. I'm sort of frozen by it.

I can never escape my own disgust, you know? I can't hug or kiss or cuddle. I think I'd start shaking and I'd get too hot. Not even by virtue of any singular feeling, because I know I wouldn't be feeling, exactly. I would just... be there. Bored. Which, I think, is possibly an intermediary shade of sad and empty. Or maybe angry and empty. Low-grade frustration.

I'm feeling good. This is my annual time-to-feel-good. I always feel pleasant in January, and then sort of bad in February. Better in April. Worse again in June. We'll see.

I'll dig my nails into my skin. I have a lot to do, but I feel good. I made baba ghanoush today. I love eggplant. My head hurts a little bit. I slept 13 hours last night and dreamt for about two weeks. Maria and I played Stardew Valley almost all day yesterday. Matt's back, as of yesterday. We resumed watching Haikyuu!! again. We're almost done with season 2. Something made me feel old today, not sure what it was—I just came out of my COVID test watching a group of girls talk to each other about how COVID testing is more efficient than the campus mail room, and all of a sudden I just felt... old. Maybe because I haven't needed to use the mail room in a long time. I dunno.

Alright. I'm supposed to watch drag race with Matt and Maria in a few minutes, so I gotta go. It's 7:24—this might be the fastest I've written an entry in awhile lol. Byeyeyee.