If I die today
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2021-01-10 07:24:00 (UTC)

yesterdays tommorow

There is a quote "today is the tommorow you worried about yesterday". Isn't that the truth. Worry isn't going to the grave with me. Unfortantly worry and fear drive us all to much olny to amount to nothing because well if it's gonna happen itll happen and if it's not it wont. Sure a certian fear and worry can lead to profit and prepardness and avoidence of what is feared. Anxiety is nothing more than worry and fear. I resent being so timid and fearful and have pretty much accepted timid as a far way to describe myself to dates. Its not who I want to be thou and has eaten away so much of my life. I'm sorry that I really havnt expiernced life like I can't account for any real "traveling" other than the one cruise. I really didnt have a childhood. The olny time I've been on a plane was to get outta dodge and thats when I landed here. Probaly the greatest freedom of my life. New things intidate me and to be honest its overwhelming like I literally dont know nor understand the process of what I would need to do if I even wanted a passport right now. I resent the world bc I can't/dont drive I do think I wasnt fairly given oppruinty but I also know my own failures tied me up and lack of understanding and the one time well I overslept for my appointment.:/ I suppose thats part the autsim and I do not know how intellegent I am I sorta assumed they were wrong when they said my IQ is soooo low I automaicaly quialify for disability but now I wonder. I dont know when or if it changed as far as did I use to be smart. I also dont know how stupid I am and that scares me bc I'm making ill informed choices but theres nooone in thie world to trust and if I can do it myself its better. As far as food, and clothes and shelter thou all my fears well came to pass.Althou I've always been clothed one way or another my whole life. I've been short on food but not starved. I also used to be afraid of food and afraid of being ugly and so on and so on. I can't say that avioding food or spending money on fancy clothes has profited me to day. Actually I'm learning in small bits about clothing material I watched the Fullerton Informer video about fleece and learned our clothes material is conductive to certian frequencies and signals. Which makes sence considering static electriclty . So I've been passing up some really cute or even warm clothes in pursuit of more healthier material . Thats whats important now so isn't it funny how things change. I am disappointed that I"ve spent 2 days on men again.. Wouldn't ya know oppruinty knocks when your doin goood and tryin to do right althou I was exspecting JK to pop back in the picture it was another suprise a new man a whole another breed and well there some issues there and to be real I' care about GGre I like the man and I dont know that he could ever forgive me or understand if I ever was to pursue the new man althou I was thinkin I'd have to exsplain GGre to this guy and let him know if this dude ever wants to meet me I need to go for it bc he is someone I can build a relationship with but how long do I wait to date him and will he have time or ever and how can I ever live to the standard of godlieness his diacesed wife was and what about my divorce. How horrible is it for me to be so happy about being free of sex and now thinking well I could just do it but lightheartedly specially since the new oppruinty is a friend but to what profit. Something that I resent about myself is the time I've spent worrying about that as an example when it occured to me I dont have to initiate contact with the next option which is great and I really cant assume I know what he's offering or wanting till it comes up. So a burden has lifted there but a complete waste and even in more disgrace for nothing bc im worried and worked up about someone who I know isn't my future or permant and the things Id wanna do that would actually be no profit to anyone. I think id make him happy and me but just for a minute so why the worry. And ultimalty when I face the music if he comes back I will see who I really am. I've been praying thou so maybe it won't even come to that level and a man 15plus years older than me could just need a friend right? anyhow totally off topic. But worry worry is what drives me. My top fear is homelessness alone... again *facepalm* so my landlord can get away with murder if they want. but I'm still scared to think ok in a year they will have the oprtion to raise the rent. Its a year away so literally I don't wanna lock myself in either for another 12months. what if health ins changes. Spectrum is gonna raise the rates in april . and eventlaly Pandmic foodstamps end. Its been a graceful year and I made it without indebting myself more but I don't know whats next. I mean I suppose I can handle the streets again worse case scenerio but I'm afraid to live for now. It's a tough desicion to try to buy come shelves I was looking at 35$ worth but I'm thinkin Well what if I have to move and what if I need that money for something else . yadada. For now thou no shelves and well Im aware very much of wasted thoughts that wasted time and my life and perhaps other peoples. Today lets assume I'm gonna live I've got the usual sunday full apartment cleaning and I'll get a walk in and who knows what else . Life is nothing to worry about