JustCallMeJay

Jay's Journal
2021-01-09 14:57:13 (UTC)

Addendum

So, reading back… I guess my first post doesn’t explain a whole lot, just that I want to bitch about the things that bother me and just complain about my life. Honestly, there is a deeper reason for writing, more than just a release from the tedious happenings in my life. I want to write to be a better person to my friends and family… I want to write to people who have the option of reading me complain rather than forcing those around me to hear about my daily ‘struggles’ when they usually have something worse going on. Don’t get me wrong, I believe the occasional verbal vent is healthy… but that’s just the thing, it has to be occasional. I feel like I do it nearly every day. I am usually considered to be the fun eccentric type, and I want to keep to that.

Furthermore, I want to stop spilling so much as to what’s going on in my life to mother. I know she means well and always there to hear me out, but lately, I feel her ‘wisdom’ is becoming less helpful and more “well then, you have to improve the thing”. I know I do, but I can’t fix it by tomorrow. I’ve been f-ing up the first 15 years of my ‘adult’ life and it wasn’t until a couple years ago where something just clicked and I wanted to get back on track, both health-wise and financially. 100 pounds overweight, liver problems (not from alcohol… a flipping church stores more alcohol than I’ve ever consumed), and over $75K in debt (half from a failed business), it just came crashing down on me one day. 15 years of neglecting myself and my finances just to keep the title of the ‘cool kid’. Well, those friends have passed on, I’ve gone through the break-ups, and now it’s just me. Obviously something that takes time.

I’m getting there though, last year was the first year my income outpaced expenses and I didn’t gain any additional debt. Still though, the constant reminder from mother that “you have to start saving and paying down your bills” is aggravating. Every time I try to say how I’m improving, we bring up something that I have yet to improve and it’s back to “you have to fix that”… no s**t.

So now, amongst my assorted bitching, I want to also share my otherwise mundane accomplishments. Stuff that I’m proud of, even if it is that I just earned an additional $100 this week and was able to get rid of a loan I owed a friend. These little steps help, even if it is only less than 0.002% towards my goal… I don’t want to be reminded that I still have 99.998% to go.

Last, I want to write to improve my own writing, speaking, and vocabulary. Yes, English is my first and only language (hopefully I can add Japanese as some point) but I’m so terrible at it… oftentimes having to ask my friend to put what they said in dumber terms because I just have to idea what they said, and it feels like it negatively affects me in one of my friend groups, like I’m just a complete dumb ass to them despite the fact that I can run circles around most of them in other important aspects in life.

Oh well, we’ll see where this goes. Let’s see if I actually go through with it or this just becomes another 3-week project that I’ll quit. We will just have to wait and find out.

Jay, out!




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