legacy

If I die today
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2021-01-08 07:55:44 (UTC)

Did I do that?

Well if I die today its a wash leave room for error. Something haunting me as I was turning in for the night was rembering the injustice. But theres truth in every thing so Alma at the Rose cattage after olny a few days in 2019 during the homeless bit. She told me I couldn't stay bc her concerns about me and that I have a habbit of defaming people slandering them stabbing people in teh back and falsety accusing. This comes right after well I was homeless bc I left the rFoste(s) home where well my point of view is I wasn't being treated well even emotionally abused. And yeah I still stand on that something isnt' wasnt right there but I can't pinpoint it to date and I do still hold to my stance that they will probally contiune to pursue retlations. Anyhow The thing is not everything I do is slander or false accustion but its sorta true she's right I have gripes and complaints against everyone who is "helping" Althou I do not believe in help and think its all a sham I've defintly initiated some on my own little blew ups in relationships that coullda parted peacefully. Most recent I'm harboring this grudge agains the leasing office she treats me like a child and IDK i just don't think she likes me and I have all kindsa theories but I am bent outta shape over this.. Wendsay I got the mail (maybe Tueesday) there was mail in there that said _R_P apartments althou the address is my unit it was clearly for them so I put it in the rent box she comes out the office right away and hands the mail back to me its junk mail blah balah ranting I was like well it said apartments its not mine. Right she gave me the dam mail back to throw away and made some snooty comment oh you can tell it's junkmail look at it.. As if this lady couln't threw the dam mail out and was clearly intented for them. Guess What I mentioned it to Lindsey too. I can't keep going tis way gotta let it go. I have complaints after complaints and gripes against people that I hvae to keep quite on and i'm sorry that I've taken actions prematuraly on my own behalf to stand against an offences in all fairness they may not have been real and even if they were maybe I' was picking unnesaary battles. I;ve been a jerk . I cant tell you what excatly was going on at scotts homeless thing I don't think its right and moral but was I fighting the right battle was it my battle could I have walked away. I don't know about that curhc cc. tricities. I do think that something was decietuly going on but what does it matter to slander them. I have no discerment to date on the rRoblye what was true there what wasn't. I don't rember excatly what happened at balmitmore zen. but I have to admit I liked the guy and I know wendy was gonna marry him yes I was jealous but also cencerned. But I was wrong and whatever I did or didn't do it wasnt a battle to fight I was decietful. Then who knows about meritt I lost me job their but we were all crooks everyone down the pipe was lying and schemeing and I was insane at that poing in my life. Ledgit I could look back and plea insainty my reality was so not there. I screwed so many people not knowing and maybe believing I was righteous in good faith and I always wanted to be the hero and do right but I was nuts. As much as I love to deny that something was not right. I'm sorry for things I've done and provaked. I do not know even going waay back to Faith I don't know what the conflict was there but it may have been within me she orignally was a good friend. Maybe she'd still been. I got my revenge or least my justice so I feel but to what avail who cares I was still dammed. I can't exspect this world to be perfect and I'm not perfect either. I'm sorry I've filed weird odd complaints pursing some sorta vision or understanding of what I thought would be justice over and over again. I'm sorry. I have to say I have not opened my door to a homeless person here all year and the grudge I hold against all the pople with empty rooms space and time who overlooked me or passed the buck or clearly where uncomfortable it's unjustice hypocritical. Althou none of my know friends are homeless I gotta ask what would I sacrifice for them? Why do I except that for me and don't forget I have complaints the places I did stay that while people were doing the best they could and had the biggest hearts I always felt to be the victim. Maybe I cant endure maybe its the autsim or maybe I'm a bitch. I dont know maybe a combtion. Problem solving isnt my biggest skill but I've defintly shared negative thoughts expressions and expiernces unnessarly and for that i'm sorry. The offences and complaints no doubt are reall trials and struggles but I choose to endure the crap and piss n moan about it instead of walking away bc it's meeting a need I had greater than the trial and that is my own fault I drag people thru the mud bc I'm unhappy but I need them. So my apartment well it's a roof and I dont have to complain to thee world if I think the manger is unjust theres ways to handle it and just bc I'm upset that I'm upset and dont wanna be upset I do not have to tell of every offensce it isn't neesary to ever mention the mail again to anyone it owuld serve no purpose to speak of. The things I speak of and have spoken unneaarly I regret and I really can't discren much of the issues the people who did hear me out and rescue I would want thier ears to be deafen to those complaints and grumbling and to forive and hold it as no value and look at my offenders thru clear eyes and assume they've done no wrong. Even if we know there was an injustice I cannot ask anyone to carry that burden for me or with me and I would like to let things go and should I pass or should I live I would like my defenders to let the same burdens go not olny for them but for the sake of the people who shouldnt have to live idenifited as monsters betrayers screwups or whatever its I've put on them the burden shouldnt stand anymore they need a chance too a chance to do something new or be seen in truth whatever the case me be its not my place to determine how others view them or thier destiny. I'm sorry for things I'v said and situations i've stirred. So i'd like to call it a wash the slates clear.. going waay back of course within family, then well work merrit,bw medcial,skating rink,oCapuan,Ttarge,faith,aTany,Balleys,churches/ministries, cKadel, RFoste, Altc, BZC,
Well I guess that names a few of course they are scrabled. I don't want google bring this to the forefront and more embarsing should people google these people or events but who knows I'm probaly screwed anyway. Those who know me will know what I mean and highly likely i'm decoded by others as well. It's all a wash thou all new and again I'm sorry and weather right or wrong the burdens have to end it's over.


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