legacy

If I die today
2021-01-06 06:57:37 (UTC)

rabbit tails, happy trails

Last night I dreamed. I did take melation right now I'm working with 1mg extended release life extentions IDk yet how I feel about it but last night was just the one pill. So here's the deal with the dream I rember this part that I saw part of a tail (rat tail) in a sagging rotting ceieling in my parents house and it was this grey skinny pin tail and noone else seemed aware I dont recall detials on people right now. Anyhow it was above me and when the ceiling did collapse in... a white bunny jumped out.. and that was follwed by a second bunny, (IDK the diffrence between bunnies, rabbits, bunny rabits) These 2 rabbit were pretty much identical and had pointed long ears that were upright the rabbits both hopped out. I rember one of them sitting in the ceiling before jumping out so just sorta sat there in the upright postion on all 4legs. Well if I die today not sure what good that info will do ya but you never know what things have meaning.. Okay soo soo much is on my mind right now theres the sorta usual noone understands me why am I so dysfuntational rant, but IDK if that matters today. Then theres MIke .. neighbor Mike Nenlso Then theres Gegrg .. The wannabe date.. I wanna meet this guy.. The well a reason I paused my dating life. Then theres mom and dad oh and my sister. Oh and RLB (amy) has been on my mind.. IDK soo much crap that could be lightly aired but to what benifit if today is the day its game over? not all my thoughts would be profitable TODAY I don't beleive. So just let me think I'm being responsible with the things in my mind. Please don't hold arugment. This boost my ego of adulthood right I did make it right ? I dont wanna be buried as a child. I don't wanna be a adult either but I wouldnt want to go out having something blocked me from full development exspecially mentaly. So anyhow now that I dragged out my lack of thoughts. I did find a prompt to work on sooo lets see where it goes..

When did you feel happiest??
In my life I've been decieved many many many times with happiness that blew up later and false stability and peace so to work this out I gotta think and as far as day to day I would have to go back to time in the Benjamins basement. During those days I was petsitting/housesitting but had things to do rotationing sorta back then it was before TY so of course I was skyping Neil. I also had group at iPatt, then TCPN (pregancy center now under new name YOU) then I had prayer team at church I also picked up card minsitry whiel I felt good about it lets face it i was a diastaer had no business doing that in vain then I sometimes put in efforts at the church food bank. IDK most things at church I was there . And saturdays were RLB I think that changed to friday or something at some point but I did some shredding work there breifly but otherwise prayer team which sorta coincided as social hour. I felt safe in that home I felt loved. I was waking up like 5 and at the point some radio show was important to me so had to get coffee going and prepare myself for that then there was prayer time and I've always had food involved in my AM. Then sorta whatever the day had in store. I made great progress theere with my bike and riding it. I had everything I needed had people to share things.thoughts.ideas with I had support. I mean for christ sake they even paid for my 3 wisdom teth to come out. The pressure of get a job was getting to me I did do some seceret shopper stuff but otherwise it was petsitting and for me that was suffient. I also had all the other actitivies that were more important and also I think but then in my life I knew inside I would probally never make it in the work world. I also was still scared of homelessness and I had weird moods and attududes and I think had some unmentioned conflicts with Apaul and I was consuming a lot of her husbands attention and time and I was needy and she was a homebody most days and I think another woman in the house full time and well me in general and my habbits idosicreines and attention need didn't mix. I really wasnt the best houseguest or as respectful as I should have been and I got offended and bent outta shape about things I didnt understand of course with me everything is an unspoken excersice of authourity. Under the doctronine I was under then too I was on the demon hunting kick as well so everything was super spiritual and I was always aware of her "demons". Lets just say I'd taken some of that outta context in heeart. I never started confronting her or doing the whole shabang demon excersising show but in my heart I was going off unfounded therioes and ideas that created attududes toward her. So anyhow I was a fraid of homelesness afraid of failure and IDK what elese but what that marrigage oppruinty came up the idea in my head was that I would be okay problems solved. right? I could endure any sorta annyonce or abuse and he would change right the sex would cure him would cure us? Well anyhow once I left for that marraige there was no going back for reasons I understand. I dont doubt the heart of these people and I think those times were happy bc I was with people and the routine I had things to do that were profitable and I was able. I regret that I was a jerk judemental needy and greedy in a way and not greatful . Just I wasn't a very loving person but they loved me they knew how to love. The provisons as far as food shelter and so on seemed to be a good fit for that situation and today if some empty nesters offered me a little inlaw type suite or basement orderal heck yeah I'd take it. Thats part the thing dating these guys who are currently living with thier family I'm like hell theres no shame in that if I had the right people and right conditions I'm sold. Ok I'm not dating random mooches in thier parents houses Gergg has his own house but is with his parents for the support and babysitting and so on but does thee back n fourth thing Neas who btw is off the table less he contacts me bc man I made an ass out myself. Anyhow he is embarrased about living with family but he is a single dad and have mercy he is a year younger than me. IDK I see how thats a help he works fulltime and eans what he has so eh I dont blame him.. Well anyhow this is gonna go into some bizzaire rabbit trail thats unnesary and time consuming so I'll call it good. I was most happy before July 2017


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