If I die today
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2021-01-05 07:02:00 (UTC)

God right?

The question being asked how do I know my GOD is God and everything else is wrong. I have to say its expiernce. Real life expiernce. I was raised in what I have a hard time descrbing it was a catholic home. I suppose we were pretty good catholics? My mom did Sunday school my dad knights of columbus. Despite that appearnce on the surface my childhood and family life quite honestly offends me well it was offenvise woulda been in a home of 2 parents with a sister 4yr older and brother 19months older then me. then 7years later a nother brother and somewhere in the mix was my dads son who is like 7 or so years older but didnt live withus. Anyhow to shorten the story my family was hoarders no domestic traning whatsoevr filth was parta life. I mean I rember trying to turn the spiders and roaches into pets. My mom defintly could fall into the catogery of workaholoic. I dont know how to describe my dad he was there after work dad was the cook. He always held down a full time job. He watched tv a lot. He defintly had a temper and anger problem. Anyhow blah blah blah 3.5decades later.. Here I am thousands of miles away I'm on my own so to speak okay so maybe I have a health concern or 2 but this is the healthiest I've ever been. The news of my life may seem devasting or tragic to some but I have been thru very private hells and torments that are indescribale in inside my inner pain and chaios was redicoulus then theres the insanity. Althou the mental healthy system is corrupt I gotta say I made choices after choices that handed the ammo for labels for me. I also do feel I had no control I never knew what the hell was going on. Since adulthood I've been married twice still legally attached to #2 I've lived more places than years old I am. I dont even wanna know the debt that I've occured just or unjust bc I suspect it's not all just me but deliousions I gotta calm down on the deliousions. I cant even begin to reconcile the decpetion I've put out. I've also been literally victimised and taken advatage too. Life has been lonely and sickening. Okay so I was in a bad place I was a sugar baby in dept.. How does that even work anyhow my life changed at 27 I also not olny was a sugar babe I had side men of course.. cause well I'm me. At that point in my life I wasnt really skilled anyway with men lol still sorta shy but dam I wanted it. ambivolent. Many failed careers and friendships shattered that to date I can't pinpoint the exact problmes but they were MAJOR never had lost a friend without a freak show and protective orders weren't uncommon. I had no indepence althou I had that apartment I lost my job at the gym in like feb partly bc I was an ass other part well it was corrupt I was framed but I'm used to loosing and finding jobs. I enjoyed drinking didn't have any real friends. basicly life was nothing blah lame and I did like to go the the gym and I like food and every little part time gig I founf sustained my habbits but didn't pay the bills oh and I like the casino althou I was always there alone like I couldnt get a real date or a friend to save my life. I was bitching about it on FB bc it was super cold and NJaso invited me here to get a fresh start well I got here just epic failure after failure all in a week obviously a job never worked out I was posting things on facebook that were pissing him off IDK I don't rember but I do think I was partly misunderstood in my post of course I was itching for attention. So anyhow I pimped myself out again soon as he threw me out in like 3 days maybe a week IDK but it wasnt long. SO this guy Mark put me in Kenniwick suites and well dam he promised me a lot but I was so not attracted him but such is life so there I was drunk as a skunk I posted some total bullshit ad one night on craigslist of how I needed a place to get off my feet and that I was a nuce girl not 420friendly and so on. Anyhow a "christian" family answered me. So I ended up at church of course when they found my seceret that went south and I went from resource to resource and blah blah and I promised God I would never rely on men again it was me and him. And so I endured periods of nothing I also saw blessing I had an apartmetn that got furnihed enough althou I think that program may have been a scam whatever . I went thru literal insanity . Anyhow I spend time just searching and searching and God revealed himself and along the journey used a lot of people and things . I definly feel like I was dead and now alive. I used to wake up everyday thee first word out my mouth was fuck. Now I can just be quite and still when I wake up. I used to be sick all the time and I was a jerk . The going to church thing didnt save me it wasnt that but all my life I've been demoincily attacked I've had nightmares, terrors i've always seen "ghost" . The amount of rage I had is pretty suspious would not suprise me if I was possesed. I frequently went thru phases of all the good ol ritutals and tricks of catholism I went thru many priest God knows I looked for every sorta magic food or excersize to fix me. I was ashamed and embaraased all the time and sucidual. I was also just nuts and super needy. It was total darkness. It was not a happy life and it was horror inside . I really didn't want it anymore. I guess I was grasping at straws for anything so yeah church played a role in the rescue but dam I got hurt also burned and I started to idolisze church and I also am sure I overwhelmed and confused them and also I think I was sorta a aprt of the corrupt schemes and got into something I shouldnt have and was decived but GOd used those times. SO shit hit the fan with the family for a night or 2 a lady from church Jamie took me in for like 2 days but the first night sleeping on her floor I was praying to GOD and I rember reading in the morning or was it that night Proverbs 3. That passage moved me to tears and applied on so many levels thus caused my commitment to GOD and saying I dont care I just want you. Even if I have to sleep on a aprk bench alone its me and you. Did I mention the nightmares stopped to I read in Proverbe 3 that my sleep will be sweet. and anyhow I slept. So I went thru years of bouncing around, mockery and all kindsa chaios but never returning to MD I never will but gotta say my realtionship with my parents has never been better than it is now. Anyhow I slept outside on the street for a few days and I still dont know that purpose but I survived . but I went thru few spouts of being on the street that's life I suppose . I didn't matter. I don't matter. but things all feel into place I've been here 1year and never been late on rent never had a late utility in this apartment. I haven't been killed here. I also in my journey I found out I'm autistic which starts to help me make sence of somethings in life some of the problems. I also I have a few friends now still working on appreciating them. I've dated a little but in a healthy way since the TY schinaginze. I think its just about knowing the LORD no tricks no special vodo or anything Idk how to exsplain it other than I just be. I pray I talk to him I write. Yesterday I turned onsome music "christian" just to clean up a bit IDK I just wanted to sit and I suppose worship in the sence of what the world defines it as but I had some sorta calm peace. Often when I walk to the park so I can run there Ipray and walk. Its intentional thous and in recent times like I want to say as recent as a week or month I've never been so embarssed about what I hyporcirte I am with the holiday drinking and foolishness and the whole thing about men .. I've been so close if given oppruinty I'd been all over a man. Recently I have found myself praying for GOd to like remove oppruintites that I self inflicted for sin and ya know what he's faithful to provide and out and tings didn't occur but also I started redirecting my prayer for more of a heart change and strength bc Gods not gonna force you into obidence and forced obedience is nothing to HIM so I need to offer my heart. Here I am a little more mellowed out and trying to pay attention. If Im wrong and I should pass and nothing bam thats it oh well I guess thats that but if the beleif of heaven or hell is correct and I die without the LORD I'm headed down the pipes to hell forever for enterity thats a loss. Honestly I've had peace thru the LORD I've come to know that makes the trials and ways of this life worth it. The freedom I've found in HIM is redoulocous I am not who I was born as. I'm not who I was a decade ago you wouldnt not reconise me and thank GOD. I hated that person I still have some grudges against me but not the hate with a passion. I feel like I just asked GOD and said screw it sorta thru myself out there said hell I got nothing to loose an sure enough he rescused me in that muck the condtion I was in. Anyhow I'm not perfect life's not perfect but I have found stability in reliability in GOD . The LORD and savior I'm still getting to know him but one thing I will say is get to know HIM for yourself the teachings and preachings of this world often misrepresent him and even in the "successful" churchs or places of the LORD IDK if ya dont know him for yourself and try to get to know him you will olny know what THEY want you to know and well I still dont know THEY but THEY is a dick for sure and ain't gonna look out for you or your good.

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