Stuart

My thoughts through living.
Ad 2:
2021-01-04 21:09:20 (UTC)

some thoughts

whens the last time i felt good about myself while i'm myself? when is the last time i felt wanted, in any situation? why cant I die yet? why does the realistic me want to have people? when am I goign to be myslef for a day? when will I lenrn to express myself? when will i stop dreaming? why do i dream so long, and live so painfully? i already hate that sentence. it sounds as if im important. whos important? cant i be important to myself and everyone else to dust? while i can say that, it means very little if i cant believe it. in philosophy, i have to say my believes as i know they should be, but dont believe them. do i have the right? im tellign peopel how the "aught to act" without wanting or intending to act that way. do they care? no, but i should be writing stuff about myself. that doesnt imply importance because its only me. should I be considered inteligent?with people, yes. with myself, I of course want to say yes but from what I consider an excepted world, im wrong. the excepted world requires me to be right. me. why am i bored and doign things and bored? i remeber hearing someone say "only boring people get bored." i take that to explain why other peopel find me interesting when i talk to them, because im interesting. thats not me speaking, its some block i have against talkign to peopel. i've still not opened up to anyone, but peopel think i have. whose close to me? the real me i mean, not the projection of confidence? if i told anyone this, woudl they be scared? woudul they never talk to me again? it would make sense, im presentign a fake me to them. do i care? yes, but i cant action this. can i tell anyone? no. how would you bring this up? "sup, read this thing. its a bit much but kinda important, smile"? thats the best possible way, btu i'd have changed it so much its indistinguishable from the original. so is no one close to me? no, no one is. I want them to be. I know them all, but the identifiable me is far to weak. every way i help them, forgoten. it came from a lower place. i dont enjoy it. the same lines, same people, and its for nothing. giving them the same response is much more satisfyinh to them than using any thought. and then at best i'll get a "guess you helped." worse than nothing. worse than them saying i made it worse. a victory without cheers. im still lonely. i know still nothing. this is where i go again. see anther god and dream another few months untill i consider myself "reborn" as an even newer god then before. i could write a book on this stuff. each time theres a character problem, the character starts themself again. im just lonely. i could talk endlessly to doctors, phyciatirsts, people, they only see problems. what to fix? what wrong? all i see are problems. nonsense is a nice guard. if it makes no sense to me, it makes no sense to anyone.


Ad:2