If I die today
I dont know
This is a bit sad and sick. The truth that I don't want to leave open ended should others survive me is I dont remeber some things in childhood and some things I have unclear memerioes on and truth be told I believe I was a liar. So I do not understand how all these things came about but its perverse and sick so I rember being in the "hospital" when I was told ybill dads son, molested my sister alaur at a young age andanyhow thru all of that she had ptsd and the whole shabang she was in the mental health system now. I do remeber feeling sorta like I had to say something happened and perhaps I was a little jealous? of the attention now raised for her. God I hope not but anyhow I went along with things and claimed to be a victim as well. I'm sorry I do not know that that was true. I have no exsplation other than I was freagin nuts. Maybe a victim of coaxing or just as asshole looking for an excuse the way I was . I dont know. I regret it thou and I'm not sure today how making that right would look. but if I die I'm sure someone would get ahold of this and its contents believe me . And the other concern I have is mind blowing but I think I was a creeper maybe I was the molester? I rember being really little mom had told me something about sex but she mentioned it felt really good. IDK if that triggered my physco side or what but I think I was obessed or soemthing . So Something weird was going on in the showers with my sister had to be prior to age 10 bc I remeber the trailer but I dont rember excat detials or whatever if she taught me I taught her IDK I cant rember then there Emik I rember going in his bedroom in the trailer to do it. Like he had the equitment I needed. I wanted to try we were again under 10 elemtry age IDK where I got these ideas but I rember being in there wanting to do something with him. Then theres the fact that I rember emssing around with cousin ylindse at like 11 or so It was a sleepover of sorts at her house Naj was still running daycare it was the townhouse and somehow we got to the topic and again I rember it as practice. Then theres the crap with eJuli and the barbie. Yep it was true my barbies had sex down n dirty but I had to lie about it after she told on me. IDK I feel like such and idiot and I really dont know what was wrong with me. Obvisouly thats not happen today and heres irony Julie and Lindsey are dead both of them so what do you do with that. I truly believe that I was abused spirtitually but I dont rember that but I think it plays in somehow. I was a monster. I learned things too thou as a teen I figured out thou rape, sex , touching its bad a tramatic event great exscuse great way to get attention. I'm not sure how much I've exadragated or not and let me tell you shit happens and I was a victim but can't say my verisons of things are true and I cant say I wasnt the offender. I also know innconet people got taken into my web tangled up and some of them maybe didnt make it out. I'm sure authouirties can see right thru me but that doesnt make anything right. I have no idea why I was that way and how bad the roots run. Thats not who I am today. I get it thou I was a discrace a joke and not someone anyone could ever help. Maybe it wasn't wrong of sociecty to monsterize me as a teen. Maybe theres something to that. I know I have been demonicly influencd but I also know I'm just as asshole so IDK I have no idea about these events in detials and I really dont want to but It wouldn't be right should I checkout of this world to leave behind the injustice that who knows maybe it's correctable or at least healable. The souls of those I rung thru the mud might be able to find healing or hope:/ Its unclear thou vague snapshots in my mind but wrong is wrong and I rember doing the wrong and I rember that I did produce distitinct intentoal lies and falsehoods. I'm sorry and I would be courious if this was demonic physical or real and what the causes were behind this crap the darkness. Id like to be forgiven as well. I'm sorry. Its all very confusing and I'm not there yet that I know of in this moment to take anysorta action on healing or investing bc I dont have much sound facts to go on. I olny know enough to know its not right and its unfinshed business injustice.