Karma Rose

My Secret Thoughts
2021-01-02 05:17:47 (UTC)

A Romance For Two

Dear stranger,

I am having cold feet as usual and am in very much need of some warmth. Once I move to Long Beach, I'll be much colder. It's best if I just buy another heater or just look for the one that I lost.

I've been feeling a need to declutter my life and my phone. This involved blocking/unfollowing some individuals, not for any bad reason, it's just that I do this thing where I look at their contact and think to myself "Do you bring me happiness? Are you a real friend?"- kinda like a Marie Kondo thing. If my feelings about them are positive, I keep them. If my feelings are negative or I don't feel anything towards them, I simply discard making sure I add them to my spreadsheet along with all the other discarded individuals out of my life. I am an extrovert, yet, I don't crave interaction with others. I mostly crave interaction with my family, more specifically of my brothers even though they find me annoying sometimes hahaha. We're the kind of family that watches movies/shows and play games together. We even started watching the third season of Cobra Kai together yesterday. I love my family...so much. Why waste my breath on people who are only temporary when family is forever? Kristen is different- she's a woman, straight, and is like me in a lot of ways. She and I both like anime (I don't watch anime anymore, but I watched so much anime in high school that I can hold up a conversation about it), manga/comics, kdramas, God, insecurities (although, sometimes I find her insecurities kinda dumb- then again, maybe people find mine dumb too), seek genuine friendship/understanding, etc.. Guys can never truly be friends with me anymore- it's not possible- unless they're gay.

I used to be so in love with some guy when I was 18-years-old that I genuinely thought I was going to marry him. Ahh, I remember the future I imagined he and I would have- having three kids, going to Mexico often, going to church together, going to the plaza, helping other people (he wanted to be a doctor), would talk to each other in Spanish (his Spanish was very sexy lmao), would travel the world, and support each other through our academic careers and onward. He was the love of my life and he thought so too- I could tell just from the way he would look at me and how much he wanted to show me the world I was missing out on. I had so many firsts with him- I ate my first korean bbq with him; rode on a boat for the first time with him; traveled without my family for the first time (we went to New York!); went to my first thrift shop with him; went to Knott's Berry Farm with a fast lane pass for the first time (my favorite amusement park); went to my first festival with him; ate my first mochi with him; went to an aquarium that I really wanted to go to (it wasn't my first time going there, but it was none the less meaningful). I'm going to go a little TMI right now, but sex, what it meant to me before, was this new kind of intimacy between he and I. To show the utmost intimacy between he and I, I gave him a blowjob, let him cum in my mouth and I swallowed it. You see, normally, I refuse letting a guy cum in my mouth or even swallowing it. To him, it didn't matter to me, because I thought he was going to be my whole life. I swallowed because of the immense love I had for him (this is something I've never done with any other guy). He was so romantic and beautiful. Then, of course, he broke up with me, because he knew that I had attachment issues and wouldn't have the guts to break up with him. I cried for weeks. He blocked me on everything. I slept around with other guys (ahhh so many stories to tell) and eventually, became satisfied with where I was at and decided to stop such sexual acts.

I used to think about him ALL the time. Until, I didn't think about him at all. 19-year-old me started getting set up with different guys by my friends which I truly appreciate. I was too busy at the time and didn't have time to even do my homework/study, much less be in a relationship. There was this 27-year-old guy, Blake, who lived next to my apartment . He came over all the time, cooked the most delicious food, watched movies/shows with me and always made me laugh. Of course, he had his negative qualities, but so did I and in a way, we both understood that and accepted each other regardless. He tried to set me up with one of his friends, a 26-year-old, who was some engineer in who knows what lmao. (By the way, most of my friends are older than me. Kristen is 24-years-old I believe.) The engineer guy was really cool and nice hahaha. We were playing board games at my apartment and he liked the smell of the living room and of the hand soap I had in my bathroom (it has a super strong scent of peppermint). While we were playing games, he'd often look at my board trying to steal my strategies and was often teasing me- gosh, my heart was beating so fast. Blake later told me that he said I was really cute. Like I said, I was too busy for a relationship and in a way, I was still not over my ex. Then I started having these weird feelings for Blake. Ugh, I know, he's 8 years older than me. Then the pandemic happened, he moved out of the apartment and my feelings went out as fast as they came up. I wonder if he ever felt anything for me. Was I ever a possible dating prospect to him? Probably not- I was probably thought of as a little sister to him. Most people see me as their little sister- even at work- I tend to always be the youngest.

My ex called me sometime last year which is really weird since he blocked me on everything. Eventually, he unblocked me on everything and started talking to me again. Guess what he told me? He told me he got a new girlfriend and has been dating her for 9 months (which means he started dating her 3-4 months after breaking up with me). Apparently, he got her pregnant, she eventually got an abortion, they were planning on getting married or eloping or whatever, and he stopped going to school. Ohh, she goes to beauty school. He sent me a picture of her, and to be honest, I look so much better than her. Oof, if he were still with me, he wouldn't have stopped going to school. Which reminds me, when he broke up with me, he told me how he was impressed by how well I was doing in school despite how busy I was with that relationship and my extracurriculars. Apparently, he was doing poorly in school (one of the reasons he dumped me). Anyways, when he called me and told me all this stuff, I just wondered why the fuck he was talking to me? Also, hearing his voice and everything he had to say, I wondered why I even liked him in the first place. Did he want to get back with me? In the end, I told him that I didn't want to talk to him anymore and that I would be blocking him now, but that I wanted to know why he even called me in the first place. He told me that he called me because he needed someone to talk to. I told him that I couldn't be that person. We hung up. I blocked him on everything. I am grateful in a way that he broke up with me. In a way, I always knew that it wasn't going to last long- I mean, I was only 18-years-old. Never-the-less, I loved him [past tense] and I'm looking forward to my next love- this time, I won't make the same mistakes and I'll love him with all my heart.

There's still things that I haven't done that I want to do with the person I love:
-Going outside the country with him.
-Going to Disney Land.
-Having a man (other than my brothers) sleep in MY house in Mexico.
-Go swimming in the ocean.
-Go scuba diving.
-Read the same book together.

I'm getting tired now- it's time to sleep. Have a good night my strangers. Can I have my romance already!? *yawn* I'm just 20-years-old, I need to chill. I kinda wouldn't mind if my parents gave me an arranged marriage (except, it cannot be with T. He's too shy for my taste). I wouldn't mind being in an arranged marriage with J who lives in Mexico. I've heard about him from other people and he's become a very respectable man. Gosh, can I just go to Mexico already and make a move on him! I am realllllyyy hoping he doesn't have a girlfriend! Which reminds me, I need to put in my paperwork to become a citizen at Mexico- I'll have a dual citizenship with Mexico and the U.S.- how nice. It's just so my parent's property is properly allocated to my siblings and I which we each basically have our own house. We all normally stay at my house though, since it's close to where my grandmother used to live. It's like going through memory lane. J also has property and is still continuing his studies. Gosh, I'm thinking about him too much. See ladies and gentleman, this is how bored I've become. Thinking of a guy who lives so far from me. You know what, if everything goes well this month and as planned, I WILL go to Mexico during the Summer. And I WILL make my move on him [even if he has a girlfriend- I'm kidding]. Man, I need to practice my Spanish. This is the plan: I'll go to his mother's bakery asking about him and asking if there's any way of seeing him. I'm kinda hoping he'll be near the bakery, but if he's not, I'll go to where his mom tells me to go. I'll see him eventually for sure. Then I'll ask him a ton of questions about himself- showing interest in him. Then I'll ask him if he could be my friend and if he and I could hang out while I'm in Mexico. I'm imagining this up all in my head and I'm really putting up a show- when I'm putting up a show, no one can resist me. I'm even thinking about the clothing, makeup, hair-style, walk, and talk that I'll be showing him. Ahhh, the extrovert in me is coming out. If I could just marry someone now that I truly love, that would make my life so much easier- I wouldn't have to keep wishing for a foot warmer and I'd always remember that I am loved.

Today, I ate meat, orange rice, beans, ice cream, cereal, noodles, vitamin water, nutella, and a ton of water. Gosh, I'm so tired. There's a lot of things I like about J. The main reason is that my family adores him. I also adore J because of his non-judgmental mind/eyes. I love non-judgmental people... I feel like he'd be able to manage me well and that I could be happy with him... *yawn* That's enough for today! Until Tomorrow!

From yours truly,
Karma Rose

P.S. This is the song of the day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLGn4r_tJM4&ab_channel=ArmairBeats
Do you like the song? I think this will be a regular thing that I'll do in my posts now... This is what my head sounds like... Honestly, I have trouble listening to songs like this that have English singing... After my ex, I couldn't listen to English music anymore because it would remind me of him and I would breakdown... This song isn't one of the songs he and I would listen to, so that's alright. Normally, I listen to things outside my old, favorite genre or songs that are foreign (mostly Korean).




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