LustingforNightmares

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2021-01-02 12:53:10 (UTC)

Random Assortment - December 2020


January 2, 2020 Saturday 11:53 AM

A rough month for music for me. I dunno, felt aimless. I'm annoyed now because I can't listen to music. None of it sounds right? I've been listening to Supermega Cast instead, occasionally jumping to Lore instead (as always, the host Aaron Mahnke or whatever annoys the shit out of me, because his narration is always drawn and redundant, like "Sometimes... life... is scary," like— thank you, Aaron, I didn't know that. Anyway, in spite of that, Lore is probably the best folklore podcast I've found and I've really tried; but his is the best organized/most engaging. Mythical Monsters is also pretty good, and I probably learn more from that than Lore, but by the same virtue it can feel a little tiring, a little too educational).

Get Away by Yuck [believe I found this on bandcamp somewhere, browsing through some indie rock tag or something]

Ballroom Dance Scene by Horsegirl [this was another bandcamp discovery; I was intrigued by the name. The music itself is meh to me. Reminds me of every indie rock/punkish female-led band I've ever heard]

They'll Only Miss You When You Leave by Carissa's Weird [I like Carissa's Weird for their really pretty melodies, but they can also be kind of boring, especially after listening to this song like 100 times... wait it might not be the song, it could just be that I've listened to it 100 times... nvm. Idk why I'm being so pissy and negative]

Gospel for a New Century by Yves Tumor
[I drove Matt to get a COVID test and stop by CVS and he played this through the aux in my car. It was nice. He kept saying I didn't have to say I liked it. He is very self-conscious. As if I have ever been one to lie about whether I like music or not. One of the first conversations we ever had was when he showed me a video of Saint Vincent and Dua Lipa performing together at, like, the VMAs or something and he was like, "It makes me wish I was straight," and then he asked if I liked it and I said, "Eh, it's okay, I guess I'm not really a fan of either of them," and he said, "I appreciate your honesty." We've had a lot of similar conversations since so I just wonder what he was thinking.

I don't know, some people need constant comfort and affirmation, and I think Matt is one of those people. It's not something to be ashamed about—maybe it can be unhealthy at a point, and I like to think I don't indulge it when it infringes on my own boundaries, but otherwise I feel happy affirming him and making him feel comfortable. Which is why it always hurts so much when it isn't enough, but that is another conversation. My wish with Matt has always been to make him feel as safe as possible in my space. I am not the most touchy-feely emotional person—despite all my emotional ranting her in my diary—so sometimes it can be really difficult and I often fail to do enough, or at least that's how I feel. And both Matt and I are extremely sensitive and volatile people, which means we can clash in really explosive ways.

I promised myself in, like, September that I would keep my distance because I couldn't stand that we fought like that—it really felt unhealthily passionate, almost like a fight between a couple, which is probably why Caroline really thought he was my boyfriend or something, lol. But nah, I think I've failed at keeping my distance. I talked about it briefly with Maria on a drive back from the Trader Joe's in a city South from where we live, and she said she felt the same way. She had also tried to distance herself from Matt—we basically all got into fights with him immediately after moving in together—but it's hard to do that. Because ultimately, I love Matt very much. In all other ways, he is extremely considerate and charming, and I really admire him and enjoy supporting him in whatever way that I can.

Whether that turns out all right, I don't know. But I at least know I'll have a lot of positive memories regarding him.]

Death at the Movies by Car Seat Headrest [this song is really wonderful. Found it while enduring another CSH phase. One of my favorite things about Car Seat Headrest is how, every time I listen, I find discover new songs. And I also am able to discover new connections between songs—re-used lyrics, re-used samples, or I might even just have a new perspective on the same sound/poetry.]

New York Herald Tribune by Martie Solal [Nadiya showed me this song. She tends to like jazzy sort of things. I really like it.]

Ur Name on a Grain of Rice by Runner [some of the lyrics in this song bother me enough that I can't always endure, but the last half of the song is really beautiful; reminds me of Bon Iver instrumentally—the horns—while the first half is kind of Pinegrove-esque in the melody/harmonies and plucking]

Human Sadness by the Voidz [was excited to discover this!! A combo of the classic Strokes sound—thx Julian Casablanca—but also some Dangermouse elements??]

Not Allowed by TV Girl [didn't think I'd be interested in this song, especially because the lyrical content is like... not bad, but I didn't think I'd be interested in overt sexuality and highly specific romantic writing??? Idk if that makes sense. But the whole sample thing—at least I think it's a sample—is sooo good. The whole song is pretty good, but I have to be in the mood to listen to it. Not horny, but... open-minded??]

Bird Wings by Valium Aggelein [I swear I only listened to this once before getting bored lol. After the first couple measures ya sorta get the gist. Reminds me a little of a Death Cab for Cutie tune—Grapevine Fires]

Ropes by Scott James [found this on a Komm Susser Todd playlist by Spotify user lasagnafriday—which, if you don't know, is the name of a song in the Neon Genesis Evangelion movie; it's a happy song famous for playing during a really devastating moment. The whole playlist is a collection of kind of morbid-happy songs, or haunting stuff. This is more of the haunting variety]

Kill the Turkey by Gregory and the Hawk [this is also from the Komm Susser Todd playlist. It's really morbid and cute, lol. I do be loving very spare folk songs]

Goodbye Stranger by Supertramp [another Komm Susser Todd addition, lol. This song is probably closest to the song Komm Susser Todd—which is not on Spotify—in spirit. It's good]

Magnolia by Lee Fields & the Expressions [no idea who sang the original, if it was this guy or Eric Clapton or some dude named JJ Cale. But it's pretty good, I remember listening to it a couple years ago]

Mayonaka/Stay With Me by Miki Matsubara [a jaaaam]

A Better Son/Daughter by Rilo Kiley [Komm Susser Todd. Follows along the happy/sad dichotomy line. It's about depression/bipolar :D]

The Mollusk by Ween [so cute. However I barely listened to this song, I kept skipping it lol]

Saturday's for the Boys (Saturday is for the Boys) by 1 Trait Danger [I didn't listen to 1 Trait Danger until they released their stupid bad video game, lol. And then I was kinda hooked, I made a shitposting playlist specifically to frame around them. I wish I could've added some Supermega comedy songs—the dad-fucking one, My Two Lovely Uncles—and also the Cyndago one, Blonde Boyz. But sadly they are not on Spotify. Anyway this is my favorite 1 Trait Danger song, highkey for the one line "Cosser ran me over with his pick-up truck, the fuckin' bully"]

Sweet Sweet Midnight by Stef Chura [another fringe Will Toledo~~ thing (1 Trait Danger's synths are by Will Toledo, the vocalist is the Car Seat Headrest drummer Andrew Katz). I hated this song the first time I heard it sometime months and months ago; but for some reason, I really like it now, lol.]

All I Do is Lie by Stef Chura [I think this is my favorite Stef Chura. The lyrics are weirdly evocative to me, but I think it might have more to do with the intonation than the content. Reminds me of Hop Along, weirdly, even though Hop Along doesn't usually arrange their music in the same way; I think it's the unusual vocals and the first measure's kind of unexpected melodic turns?? It's the first time another band has reminded me of Hop Along, which is nice because I am of the belief that Hop Along is one of the most talented bands out there]

Degrees by Stef Chura [was listening through her full album]

They'll Never by Stef Chura [I like this one a lot too. This one reminds me more of Laura Stevenson]

Burning Man by Car Seat Headrest [I read a Reddit post recently in which people were discussing songs that encapsulated Car Seat Headrest's lyric/musical range. I think someone listed this song either as an example of musical variety—dipping into something electronic—or of emotional depth. I really like the little tune that comes in a couple minutes into the song. And also that one measure "If ugly is a word," etc. I'd heard the song before, but it didn't catch my ear until I really bothered giving it my attention more fully]

Welterweight by Nels Andrew [heard this song on Nightvale and liked it a lot]

Flower Lane by Funbearable [also heard this on Nightvale, and added it to my playlist so I could later give it a closer listen, but once I did I sorted of hated it]

Thy Mission by The Garden ft. Mac DeMarco [Liv sent me this song. It's so gooood!! I started listening to other songs by The Garden, and they're a very unique band. They don't quite fit my preferred sound, because I tend to find more hardcore sounds disruptive and noisy—I wish I could enjoy it though, because otherwise I like them a lot]

Fantasy by DyE [someone on TikTok was like "remember that animated music video where a Lovecraftian creature killed 4 horny teens" and I remembered that Adrian showed me the video sometime in high school. I realized that I really enjoy the song]

Method Man by Stef Chura [I really like this song it's so weird]

The Only Thing by Ali Holder [really beautiful country/folk song]

Ordinary Talk by Half Waif [I liked this song to try and listen to more Half Waif, but I didn't like it much. Tune reminds me a bit of Sylvan Esso, but not much. Actually, it also reminds me a bit of more recent songs from The National]

Dynasty by Rina Sawayama [I got really into Rina Sawayama for a couple days, listened to this full album through. It's so good!!!! It reminds me of something I would listen to during my 6 AM shift at Catering Prep to try and pump myself up—the stuff I actually did listen to was, like, Ariana Grande and Dua Lipa. Anyway this song is so so good.]

STFU! by Rina Sawayama [It's so interesting how she can combine glittery ~early 2000s pop synth~ with much heavier rock, lol. It's so cool!!!]

XS by Rina Sawayama [forgot to mention that she actually came to Brown for spring weekend in 2018! Spring Weekend being this school-funded concert where they invite semi-famous people to play. In 2019, they invited Mitski and it was soooo fucking nice, I was at the barrier. Anyway, yeah, Rina came! Too bad I was so high that I don't actually remember anything other than the color of the sky lol. I wish I would've appreciated the opportunity back then :/]

Akasaka Sad by Rina Sawayama [this is unrelated to the song, but Rina makes really nice music videos. I also watched a making-of video for her song Lucid Dreaming and it was sooo cool. She seems really down-to-earth, and the topics she broaches with her music are also very interesting, and also also also I was just so.... admiring of all the people who worked on the video, the amount of technical expertise required to execute an entire music video in 2-3 days (not including editing), the amount of planning that goes into it. That was oddly the hardest part of videography to me, was the planning aspect. With something like writing, specific planning is not required and oftentimes can be detrimental to the work itself, or at least for me; it's more spontaneous than that. But with filmmaking/videography, it really requires research and preparation in order to execute it well. You can't just fuck around lol. That's really difficult, and I greatly admire people who are able to think in such a way, keep themselves organized while mentally sorting different options with which to best execute an artistic idea]

Bad Friend by Rina Sawayama [makes sense to me that the saddest one is my favorite lol. I just rlly like. The music video for it is also really good. Pretty much all her music videos are really good tho.]

Annnnd that's the end! A new year :) hopefully it will be much better. Tired of being isolated and paranoid. Been thinking about Diego lately, and how thankful I am for him, and how I miss working with him and getting annoyed whenever he didn't listen to me or gave me attitude or asked me boring questions lol. I could just text him but I suck. I will try to remember to do that after I take a shower.


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