If I die today
Ad 2:
2020-12-30 07:09:33 (UTC)

hump day

Today is Wendsday.. A day that I set aside to be offline. Anyhow Here I am bc I really want to pursue this journal thing of if I die today. Today is usually Lindsey but this week Monday was since her schedule is diffrent but going offline on these days causes me to focus on whats real whats really here and not wining and griping at people needing online attention. Typically the computer should be off today at which that also limits my amazon time and frutile news surfing and searching to buy things or for people or just garabage to sasisty me. Plus I struggle greatly appreciating people in my life who are not men spefically sexy men and more spefically in recent past times woulda been JK. Well I just spend 2 or 3 min in my email before logging in too and guess what mom sent me a 40dollar GC which is odd bc I did make an order to help her get a gift for dad at xmas but that total was olny 26 something and yeah who wouldn't love the 26$ back but I was never exspecting more.. SO looks like I gotta phone call to make today. And of course I have not called ajessic this week either as I have intended and that girl is a friend really all in heart and she also needs a lotta love too probally like me noone love or compassion is more important than a man but Idk I think shes less extreme than me in that way but I beleive a man triuph's a lot of people or things althou she has children and grandchildren and the unsurvivin baby grandson. So anyhow I kinda wanna talk about Suzie with a Z I had considered my first reall friend but IDK maybe i've mixed up life. In 2014 when I first got here all that drama I met her in the homeless program she was in her late 50's and single a member and even leader of AA I got to spend time with her at a church retreat and we bonded. At the time I had been praying for a friend not olny a friend but to be a friend so ver intersting.. In 2017? I want to say 2017 I was in Paula and Gene's so likely or maybe it was 2016? In Dec she was in the hospital for medical emergency related to the terminal cancer she had I had visited her in ICU. Then I would call regually no reply no responce days later I found out of her passing :( Suzie was poor and her illness (es) had related to her life choices much earlier in life. From what she tells me she was pretty bad ass. She even had this little tatto od pissing devil and a boob tattoo and so on. I don't know how long she was doing the sober thing before I met her . Suzie was on SSI or SSDI or both whathever.. I can tell you that she wasn't even getting 800 and she bounced around 50% less than me but crap we've lived a lota places (not together) she was in and out of Oxford houses till I think it wasnt even a year before she passed away finally she got her apartment.. Talk about being ungreatful she had low rent but dam this apt she had was a joke i'm in heaven here lol. They called it a one bedroom but it was basically the size of this with a dam accordian slidding door off to one section that fit a bed. Nothing fancy. The neighborhood there thou is much more peaceful but if I had ever gotten in a aprtment like that after the novelity wears off I can see my complaints raising. Anyhow about Suzie having nothing to offer we did get together often she would invite me over no matter where she was. Neither one of use drive so often we would meet on public tranist or she would come to me she even taught me a few tips n tricks of the transist system. She was in pain a lot she did have a walker but wasnt bound by it she may or may not use it depending on the day. When she wanted to do something she was there if she said she would do something it would be done. And sometime sponteous drop ins on her daughter or grandchildren. This lady included me in her life to the extent that I wanted. It was never like oh I'm going somewhere you gotta scram it was more i'm doing this but do you wanna join. She cared about people and It think she has a ability to love. We spent a july4th with her daughter and thier family it was a sober celebration pretty neat. Then we both went back to our perspective homes that night. Althou she's gone I can say this is someone who truly lived. In many ways sure I see Christ in her life. In other ways I could tell you and point out some concerning sin, attudiue , beliefs or behavior but I do believe she knew the LORD and she shared her faith. She shared what she had and sometimes even just us chatting one on one other times yah know she was inviting me to a church. She was that way with everyone and had for long as I'd known her had visions of bringing bible to jail. And I think she did that once or twice toward the end and she had her knee in a little scooter type thing so her visit looked much diffrent than her vision but I'd be damed if she didnt make it. Her life was not in vain despite poverty and handicapped and there was drama to be had believe me but thats not how or what I remeber. I rember someone who had time for me for no motive who would laugh and smile with me and share and share not olny physically but mentally. We used to write and she could read my handwriting. I could't believe it so a few times I would share my journaling with her and she knew what it was . Describing her I would say she lived, she loved, she shared, she had joy in simple things, she perservered, she was a strong lady. Her life mattered and impacted not just me but many. If I die today well Id suck that I still really havnt learned and carried out what she the example . If I die in vain thou I'd have to say this woman is proof that there is options in all conditions. Thinking of her gives me sorta a peace and hope encouragment and motivation for myself to redeem the time. If just a thought of me had an impact that was fruit bearing that would be powerful

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