poetryluvr

Thoughts and stuff
2020-12-30 06:15:30 (UTC)

*Trigger warning* Heavy subjects - Quarantine, Covid, Hallucinations, I need a break

My body hurts soooo bad. I've been in pain for years now. When th is this gonna eeeend. I could have used this whole year of quarantine relaxing, but instead I was in constant stress, taking care of all kinds of animals that I shouldn't even be taking care of. Dogs, doves, cats. FLIES. Ohhh the flies. I really hate puppies, dogs in general. They're cute for like a minute but then they get really scary to be around. There's literal demons inside all dogs, I'm sure. There's nothing like being shocked awake night after night after night, by a dog who stamps as hard as she can on the ground, and for what reason? She literally only did it when I was half asleep, about to enter dreamworld. I stopped being vegan around february or march, and something really weird started happening to my body and the world around me. I started being able to smell an awful smell from my couch. Parts of the couch smelled exactly like the medicinal tasting goo I've been coughing up ever since the day I got my IUD. A very specific 'medical' taste, something I've only ever smelled or tasted in my life from the device. I cut up the couch before throwing it out, and there were spots on the foam, these exact spots was were the medicinal smell was coming from. Years ago, I was having 'virus underworld landscape' dreams the first couple of months after having the IUD placed, and I had a really bad fever a few months in. Then I went into hypovolemic shock 5 months after the insertion of the IUD, I survived, and I stopped having dreams all together. But now, this year in the summer, when I got rid of everything in my apartment that smelled like that horrible device, from shoes to hoodies and couches, I started having dreams again. And sadly I started having hallucinations again. The mixture of getting 'healthy' again and the lack of sleep because of the dogs, the whole situation sent me into a psychotic episode. I was chain-smoking cigarettes to calm down my body and brain from the sudden surge of energy I was going through. I always get 'tired'-ish after smoking cigs, so I was doing it to not get overwhelmed, to 'put on the brakes' on my brain that was suddenly on overdrive and making everything scary. It seemed like the more energy I was having, the more I felt like someone was about to murder me. My lungs are f***ed now, from all the chain-smoking and it's part of why my bodily pain got worse this year. But I don't regret it cause something bad might have happened if I didn't focus on the cigarettes, coffe and food. Basically, as soon as I got my dreams back, some deep, calm, manly voice started talking to me while I was asleep as well as when I was awake. It told me to turn on and off the lights, which I did when it told me to, reminding me in the morning and at night if I hadn't already turned off the lights for the doves. Later it started telling me to go on a killing spree which I didn't do, obvi. It was demanding me to hurt someone, kill someone. At one point it was just chanting 'kill him, kill him, kill him, kill him', sounding more and more angry, not like the calm tone when it first started talking to me. I told my 'caretaker', 'friend', 'flirt' what was going on. He was always so serious and lowkey angry and annoyed, he was very handsome with a beautiful calming talking voice. He was basically telling me none of this was going on, that it was all my head, which confused me even more. From top to toe, my whole body and the world around me was going haywaire with all kinds of input; scents, changes to my vision, my four year vertigo completely disappeared, and hallucinations were returning along with actually remembering a dream again, after four years of nothing. It's not something you can just ignore. I'm glad to actually know my dreams again, I just wish it didn't come with the price of also hallucinating. The craziest part was the air around me changing. It was summer, but I felt the humidity and heat in the air in a way I've never felt it before. It was like a gigantic wave of heat and humidity came to me in giant clouds, it was like the exact opposite feeling of what happened to me 4 years ago with the fever I had; back then it was like I was in a freezer, a bath of icecubes, out in the arctic, while I was literally covered under three or four duvets in the peak of the summer heat, my whole body shivering from the cold. Back to this summer, in 2020, now that I was finally slowly starting to feel temperature and air and *time* in a normal way again, it was hard for my brain to process all the constant changes in my body and the world around me coming through. All I *needed*, all I wanted to do was sleep, but I had to take care of the animals. I'm sure if I had been able to sleep 8 hours a day I wouldn't have been so constantly confused, out of my mind, hallucinating, and literally fascinated by feeling the wind against my skin, whether it was hot or cold wind, just being able to tell the difference again was mindblowing. And for some reason, my memory started working way better, it was weird to remember the world in this old way again, with sensations, being reminded of sitting in the shadow of a tree and a breeze would cool my hot skin, remembering in full detail, with saturation, bright vivid colours entering my mind. But now I was convinced I could 'feel' radiation pollution in the air, I was convinced the red and blue pixel clouds that I now see sometimes, was actually the souls of the people around me, that they were walking around my apartment, in their minds, thinking about me. The computer-mouse sounds from the back of my brain were freaking me out. The pixels in my vision don't bother me much. And the doves, the doves were really beautiful, I liked them a lot. It was actually really relaxing to listen to them walking around, making dove sounds, it's one of the most calming sounds to fall asleep to. One thing I will never understand is why no one else seems to be able to taste or smell the medicinal scent, that the IUD brought me. No one complains about it, in any of the IUD support groups on facebook. I could taste it constantly on the big clumps of goo I was coughing up, I could smell it from the airways in my lungs, the back of my throat, I could smell it from my own body, from the suddenly huge amount of goopy clear discharge from 'down there', it all smelled like progestin. It's like my body was blowing up like a ballon, literally, getting filled to the rim with this weird medicinal tasting scent, until I was coughing it up. The smell and taste was there constantly from day 1 of insertion covering up the normal scents of everyday life, the scent slowly disappearing as I stopped coughing up goo clumps when I had the IUD removed. While the scent is almost completely gone from my life now, sometimes when I have cigarettes and cough, there's a small hint of that medicinal taste from the back of my throat. One day while I was shopping, I swear I could smell it from the breath of the cashier. The scent is also ever present on one of my acquaintances skin, he has developed vitiligo, and I'm the only person getting that scent from the spots of his skin. I felt really bad for bringing it up to him, as he seems sensitive about the subject, but I get dizzy and nauseaus from the medicinal scent. After he started threatening me constantly, trying to scam me and playing games with my mind when he knows I have schizophrenic tendencies, I don't feel too bad about what I said. It's just the truth. His scent is exactly like what I was coughing up years ago, and he admitted later his gf has an IUD placed. Anyways, all in all 2020 was a horrible year, though I'm on the path of getting my health back together, hoping to live a pain free life again like I did all my life pre-IUD, with no weird medicinal scents that no one else can pick up on, and no more constant headaches, no more back pain. Just wish I was never cornered into getting it in the first place, to me it was a literal torture device. Women should never be blackmailed to get these devices, threatening to lose the right to see my kids, setting them up for adoption if I didn't agree to have it placed. The government has too much control over my body. They shouldn't be able to put a device in you that can literally kill you, for your right to visit your kids. I survived the blood loss, but I have PTSD from seeing my own face white as a ghost and my lips completely blue, falling to the floor and not being able to breathe for half an hour, vision going temporarily greyscale, laying on a bathroom floor unable to move or feel my legs, laying next to my own blood, all that bs. It's the price I had to pay to still be able to see my kids. I'll go through it all again, the pain, the trauma, if I had to. But no one should be able to corner you into a place where you have no choice but to put a device with tons of bad side effects into your body. F*** that shit. I'm in a bad mood thinking back on the past years. 90% pain, headaches, migraines, backpain, leg and calf pain, swelling up of my body, dizziness, tiredness, constant hunger despite constant eating, to the point of feeling like I would pass out if I didn't stuff my face with food, in such big portions that I've never ate before. I've found myself a foodie side, and that's one of the only upsides to this. The steroid in the device opened up a hunger in me 10x that of pregnancy hunger. It was food all day every day or get dizzy and groggy, I have been eating on par with mukbangers these past few years and no exercise, I'm surprised I have yet to become overweight, I love carbs so much, I'm still on the low side of a healthy BMI despite the huge portions. I've been missing out for so long in my life, who knew veggies, fruit and potatoes could tast so freaking good. I'm not vegan anymore, but non-vegan food tastes so bland and smells weird to me lately. I only eat it to feel healthy. I need to take a nap soon. It's new years tomorrow, hoping 2021 will be the year my steroid induced pain will go away. Hopefully this epilepsy thing I've been dealing with the past few months is just temporary. I'm almost completely sure it was because I was forced off the sugar, and consumed mostly aspatarme, stevia and other replacements for nearly two months, while also not having a lot of actual food. I was starving, or drinking zero/sugarfree products. All of the sudden, I'm waking up from a seizure in the bathtub. Luckily, I unplugged the tub while 'seizing'. What a damn year, I hope to never have one like it again.




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