If I die today
2020-12-26 07:42:24 (UTC)

he likes me he likes me..NOT

One thing that triggers changes in my state of being is rejection, hurt and then there's also flattery. You wanna see me get weird give me attention.. or don't give me attention either way your screwed. In my life I havn't had much in the way of "dating" expiernce until recent. My youngest expiernce was deasapert and pathetic. Then I got in the habbit of marring anything that moves.. :/ 6-10weeks ago I joined Tinder and I cannot tell you how many times I've been rejected but I also can tell you I've been on dates. Real real(ish) dating since we do have pandemic restrictions. Then people just disappear completly. I don't sleep around I don't jump into bed with anyone I don't want to hope I won't.. But yeah I'm a closet perv if I jump into bed with you I won't jump out. I've probally stated more than 5 times DO not have sex with me you wont get away do not unleash the beast. Anyhow I have what I call stalkers in real life bc its all the creepy weird me that think I should be could be or wanna be more than friends with them and my gestures quickly get misunderstood and ah crap I'm a a taker if your gonna give me attention or things I'll take it.. except food don't give me food unless I speficly want that food. ha.. Anyhow I recently got pissed bc people rejecting me on Tinder particly the ghosting.. Mid chat or after an encounter. Then There's the hosj situation I was rembering him last night. Yreg initated Tinder chat with me he seems young but he's within my age not younger than 30 and he's sweet a real man but I thought I was being avoided. Then theres Nsea who didn't respond to my one text yesterday but he's doing the dad thing so how can I take offence. Then there Tcotts who really should understand well I wish that we can't be more the friends an his hanging around leaves him wanting me and he's gettin bolder on making moves and giving. Which this could be a problem he's gonna be on the stalker list latter and if I ever tell anyone it'll be another embarssing deliousion of mine . This morning I can thank God for purity in the way of that I'v not had sex since sept so that has weeded out a lot drama but ooh believe me if i'd been bolder and if situations had panned out in insteances with hosJ theire wouldda been sex pretty likely neas I'll be all over too but IDk. but don't have that worry when noone has time to see me or maybe I'm not that attractive.. but I think I am.. So the plan as of yesterday is I'm going to keep the # of mathces on Tinder down so 5-10 seems right but closer to 5 will produce less stress for me bc I'm totally affected and traumatized by rejection and it changes me to a dark sad place but also to an annoying needy place from my sexies like Hosj, ygre, and neas and those are men I love to love like to like but I end up getting overwhelming and nonsenceness soon as my feelings are hurt and then I'm not the kinda woman theey would ever want to put time or energey into either. So I need to be who am I and stick to focusing on pacing. Also speaking of men so I avioded or there was no attempts of contact from walter yesterday either way thank God I may be in the clear on his nuieness but I still need to be on my p's and q's he may try something slick later. So for today after some quiet time with God I might wanna take a walk in the snow see what the white world looks like in the 1 or 2in coating. I also may keep talking/chatting to my tinder people. Gotta get my new radio speaker back from Cotts while keeping my space bc in my drunken state I didn't get it back from him yesterday its in his car. He really wants to hang out today and do Sabbath with me... but eh first off I require alone I can't have someone up my butt every waking moment and second off I never invited him and 3rd off I think he likes me too much so no go away and then there's the practial hygenic side of things I cant deall with much more .. so anyhow I want my toy bc I actually like it but I dint want to be overwhelmed with company so that can go on the prayer list when I get to the QT. Also I have a box of presents still to open from parents so we will see if that happens today. Gonna try to get breakfast cooking so I can move on the the day I think I wanna try to find Threes company to watch while food is cooking before I switch to Truth uneditied. If I die I die right now today bam gone well crap I'd be gone but should I live which I will.. I would like to focus on not just men but appreciating the people in my life being thankful and focused on what is real and good like Enna, Ylinsey, mom , ajessic, people who actually reach out in one way or another and the men who I havnt completly scared away I can be thankful for. One thing that has been striking me almost all year is Ylindsey when she calls or text sometimes I'mt tired sometimes I'm busy but Ill look and be all okay this can wait it's not khosj or the flavor man of the week soo I've been feeling like if I would have looked at or responded had it been my male attention then I dam sure have the energy time and heart to treat her as if she deserves attention too so my standard I would like to sustain on phone responces is if this would have been someone else and I would have responded then I need to love, respect, value and appreciate the person who isn't who I hoped for just as much bc these people matter thier time is just as valuable if not more and lets face it those ingorned messages of mine or blow offs are probaly the ones with more heart more weight in enterity and even on earth more love to truly offer and even if I've blown off someone who meeh has nothing to offer that rejection holds weight in thier life and heart too bc people know when they're being avioded and blown off and honesly aJessica, nkatheelen, LH all my people they matter they put effort and its taking them for granted and its disrespectful and rude. and then even to family same thing. so my manners and attention seeking and giving is not at a level to be respected at all or admired its dam near shameful I've been a foolish jerk seeking superficially and sacrificing one for another..