Karma Rose

My Secret Thoughts
2019-11-04 01:05:36 (UTC)

My Ex-Boyfriend

[This is from my Lovely Girl Diary.]

I am obsessed with my ex-boyfriend. He blocked me on all social media platforms...blocked my phone number...and now I have no way of reaching him. It's true that I could make another account and message him; I've actually already done that and he still blocked me regardless. I'm so heartbroken that I cry most nights knowing that I was the one who ruined it all. If only I were a different person, then maybe he wouldn't have left. If only I were nicer and more normal, he might not have left. He would say things like, "I'll love you forever unconditionally." That sure of hell isn't true because you aren't here with me now. I'm laying here suffering as though I'm the thing that is wrong with society. I feel so wrong. I feel so dead inside. I feel like you were the only happiness I had. Is there even a purpose of living anymore?

Going out with him I've daydreamed of having children with this man. I imagined being a parent alongside him being the role models that every parent strives to be. Having our children run to us, jumping and screaming their little soft voices. Realizing that these children have to be protected from a world that can be so cruel. Their small hands being pressed against our own hands. Imagine having this whole future instilled in your brain, and having it gone another day. It's painful. I imagined this whole future of us, that now *poof* it's gone. I feel lost.

It has been five months since we've broken up and I still love him. Last night, I took the first steps of moving on. I sent him one last text to every social media account. I told him that I love him and that this was goodbye. He was blocked on all my social media accounts and I deleted his number. I had this voice recording of his voice and other pictures, but I will take small steps for now. Through this diary, I will tell the story of how I lost my virginity, how I feel in love with this man and how I got the the point where I feel alone- this will be another step to my healing.

From Your Lovely Girl
P.S. There is something haunting about a first love that hurts so much.




Ad: