If I die today
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2020-12-25 06:57:57 (UTC)

guilty coverup

Well bad choices all add up if I was to go out of this world today well that'd be no accdient . My neighbor Liffc Gave me a large glass of win yesterday before dinner at which I already prepared my own glass of wine. Then sharing food pic Cotts S. said something kind about the pic so I invited him for dinner.. You know I asked for wine too so another bottle of wine althou we share. I downed some rumballs yesterday am with my coffee too just as I plan to do right in a minute. The coffee is already done by keurig . I have some secerets drinking I like to appear handling it but eh I use redemies hydrate hyrdate super hyrdrate in as much as advance and during as possible. Also Emergen-c is great when waking up after.. Emergen -zzz is great after your done that last drink its not like your gonna be awake too much longer anywayz to be real and its better than the hangover and I tend to use charocal predrinking usually one lousy pill bc well well it constipates ya. So yesterday Liffc's sister visisted me.. She cares she's someone with a big heart to be thankful for and makes a liar outta my self louthing to have her warm my heart. I'm sure she doesnt really know that I know my life doesnt matter. Cotts is probally crushing on me and I'm gonna have to cut him off soon but what can I say we made plans for an anti-chrstimas party today yesterday so I must follow thru. meeh but I cant open another door to creppy akwardness and chaios so I better check my shit. The neightbo liffc is much healthier than months ago mentally it seems I cant say he poses any threat and lest face it I'm taking drinks from him agaiiin appartenlty sooo that on me... I wanted to invite him over bc cotts was smoking yesterday but I defintly didnt wanna open a door and also I cant be the hypocrite taht spins him out again exspecially since I really really dont know what this guy is smoking .. When I prayed about the drinking habbits I have last week I think Satuday it bought me to tears to find out the reason I drink is bitterness.. and Its true even thou I dont choose to celebrate christmas and I think its satanic and also takes advatage of people Im totally aware somethings going on and I dont wanna be a part of it but dont wanna be left out or rejected either. My intial intention was to drink 1 cup of wine for christmas eve dinner drink all day christmas. Then new years eve not sure what time I'll start drinking and all day new years day. Just happens these people fell into my lap yesterday and yes their men and they fit into creppy old men catogery that contrubitued to my intentions. The rumballs were supposed be to be jelloshots but when my jello didnt come I made rumballs instead but for NYE there will be jello shots and I need to share one with my neighbor/nonneighbor he basucly lives in his car in the lor Ybobb I already told him id share when I make jello shots but thats not someone I'm fimilare enough to ask in. As for the men I looove to care about so accidently I didn't include hotsutff hoshk in my food text then I realised I didn't iniate convo with him I was like meh whatever lets face it he has no interst in me anyway and Idk if its wise to let him know I'm drinking anyway. Then theres the man I'll never know and his son and I doo like him he seesm so sweet Neas and answered my food pic and a few text after that and I got a pic of him and his son so obiviously he's sharing a bit more open but I dont exspect much. Anyhow if I pass today its my own choices and the heart that leads me to this condition. I'm not okay with my heart that can't handle rejection and I'm sure Gods not done with me and I know that I need to learn to cope with a world I dont agree with and get frustrated in and I need to stand in truth and light and without love theres nothing so my bitter heart of drunkness will not bear fruit I know so tommorw I will remind myslef likely with tears to be the person I want to be and eventually I'll learn. But I'm guilty totally just as guilty as I think society is as far as tradition and christmas.
coffee is calling me and I dont know what else to say my family does matter to me my heart is warming to them but thats been years and years process so the phone call I initaited yesterday was cool it holds weight in the healing.. We talked at my lunchtime I called mom so it was thier dinner time 3hrs advance.

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