If I die today
Ad 2:
2020-12-24 08:37:01 (UTC)

who are you

I guess a part of leaving something behind and contrubiting to to this world means sharing things thoughts feelings heartaches what influences me and knowledge to share and so on. Anyhow It's to say if I should pass right now what would I leave you? I have many complaints on hand about this world and this life. My heart is bitter sour discouraged and harden. This website allows me to have prompts. I have hit the prompt button several times to see what do I think if I die today what is the legacy.. The prompt I'v landed on and am running with is who are you? The change in this prompt I'm going to make is who do you want to be... I've made myself a list I'm not sure how old this list is but its within the past month maybe 2 when I sat down distressed trying to think what my life is worth who am I so first off just the list I'll type
-let your yes be yes no be no
-good food
-cozy/comfy home
-budget wise
-prayer pray for others
-good stewart}
the other side of my paper leaves me another list

-greatful- appreciative
I've also made a list a note undated with the same 2 month time frame of things to do maybe goals
{-slinky tricks.. master escalator up and down
-read bible in one year
-running 10 min
-get knowledegable- get knowledge}

So these are the things I've thought about in weeks to clarify
6:33 is matthew 6:33
Cozy comfy home means I'd like to be comfortable in my home and I want others to be comfortable and feel welcomed at ease
health is health just a topic that seems interesting to me but I could use some changes in my way
good food I'm not sure what I thought when I was listing but todate I would like to actually make good food that I could offer to others as well as for my own sake
budgetwise I would love to be more wise with my budget and strong enough to stick to it
housing is about how corrupt the housing system is but also my lack of ability to provide my own housing or offer any to other
good stewart is about being faithful with my time redeeming the time, being a good stewart of my possesions maybe Putting more work into things instead of trashing them being more creative finding purpose for things, talents and time
Prayer/pray for others is something I often ponder how do I accept prayer request and get people to share request without it being about me but about the LORDS will and about the people also oh boy my prayer life needs work

My list of character traits yes those are things I would like to be how I would like to be known and its far fetched from where I'm at. In recent times I try to take steps toward doing things using those traits but I often forget get discourage or frustrated and I battle my own bitterness and that leaves me as the person I am right now
Last but not least the list of hobbies/ things to do is my desparate attempt to make days go by but also redeem them time I would like my life to redeemed somehow and want to be productive. I had wanted to be interesting to people also its quite sad and shameful to express to anyone what my life has become what do I do.
Most days is chasing my own tail away 5a or earlier and I try to catch the news a show and a piece of fruit and coffee then 6a tvshow workout and 7a internet on and get busy with housechores watch shows.. and at 10 get busy fulltime into housework.. 1 room a day (in my studio apartment.. quite pathetic) then if theres a run it will happen and a shower. and then its all about getting in meals and tv. Dinner is usually before 6 then I'm in bed by 7 Once a week a great friend of mine will take me to run errands. L I love her I live for those days and want to be a better friend to her. Weekends are uneventful I dont do chores on saturday and on Sunday I will do a full apartment cleaning and since I got kicked outta smartfood for not wearing a mask now I dont have much human interaction on Sunday. Really my life is narrowed down to chasing my own tail and foolishness. I'm not sure whats going to change but these are my abtions and passions. The list of things I can do is kinda short and desparate and I think what has limited my abilitly and creatity and sence of purpose has been
lack of transportion not driving.. C-19 restrictions I believe its tyranne and deception and fear based I will not (i hope I won't ) bow down.. techology I hate techology I'm a terrible texter and get frustrated/pverwhelmed.. Autism I do believe I am in part autistic and it hurts bad exspecially in commucation with people and even in daily task. Resources is an issue I do not have a lot income on SSD , It hard to find work/job when you don't have transit also the lack of skillset and my ability to understand/learn is limited I don't forsee ever having funding for contiuned education and socially I'm a trainwreck to be real. Following instructions is overwhelming unless you are exactly spefic I literally do not know what to do. Health is an issue in the sence the headaches get crippling the dizziness, low blood pressure weakness also is something that is hard to exsplain. Alllergies are a problem and asthma. My biggest thing is probally mental and social thou to be real That is what it is
Things I would like to do if all things were possible
-get legally divorced- just be legally and morally free I dont want anything else its all irrevelant at this point while I dont oppose to justice its not top priorty
-offer someone shelter and hospitlity
-have gamenights/home fellowshipping have friend over
-give annoymously and just give what is appreciated and good
-raise venus flytraps and bonzai trees successfully
- raise a family
- go to shooting range more firearms/weapons training
-martial arts
-forgive freely

This is about the end of the endurance I have to write today but perhaps it adds something to life in someway somehow maybe this will bear fruit beyond the surface and if I die well it gives more insight to what my life was

oh ps a song that influenced me greatly who am I .. casting crowns

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