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"All I Do is Lie" by Stef Chura [song slaps. Lyrics are kind of uninteresting but tbh its fine because I can *feel* it]
All I do is lie
Horizontal in your bed, I am
Repeating everything you said I am
Repeating everything you said I am
Repeating everything you said
December 21, 2020 Monday 3:51 PM
I drove from about 5:15 AM to... I don't know. We (being Greg, Nadiya, Maria and I) stopped for McDonalds at some point but I think we must've arrived in Boston at 7 or so. I asked Greg to drive on the way back because I was tired. I felt happy that the entire drive was without incident. I couldn't get out to say goodbye to Maria (we were dropping her off at the airport) but she said bye through the window. Greg was in the front with me the whole time so we got to chat plenty and it was really nice.
When we got home, we basically all went back to sleep. I mean, we got back a little after 8 and I played an escape game for awhile but I got stuck on one of the problems and fell asleep. My dream felt strange. I was in Paris as a 9 year old or something, no parents, running around like in a carnival with money to spare. And then suddenly I was old even though only some hours had passed and I remembered I was still a child at 10 PM. It was still dark out and I didn't know what time it was anymore.
At some point, Maria and Nadiya were there and I was driving. Maria was in the back and Nadiya in the passenger seat. Maria was saying she couldn't tell if she was dreaming or not. I have a lot of dreams where I'm driving and the brakes don't work, and this was pretty much no different, which made me realize, actually, that I was dreaming. Or rather, I thought to myself, "If my car doesn't stop then I'm probably dreaming and I don't need to be afraid." I think I said this aloud because I think Nadiya laughed at how absurd I was being, but then the car wouldn't brake and so I willed the car to shrink in order to avoid collision with the car in front of us. We slipped underneath them and returned to normal size and I started laughing. "Oh my god. Yeah, I'm dreaming, that is NOT something that happens in real life hahaha."
Maria said, "Wow, I really am dreaming," in that unimpressed way of hers and I twisted back towards her to say, "I really thought for a second that I wasn't dreaming because everything you said sounded *just* like how you'd talk in real life. I can't believe you're not real."
And then Nadiya became concerned about not being real and ceasing to exist soon. I said, "It's okay. You're alive and real right now, right? And you won't die anyways, you exist in my head."
I don't really know what happened after that. I was a hot girl with bright red hair and my friend brought me home with the request that I con her mom out of some money. She had to pretend I was her girlfriend. And then all of a sudden I was in my living room, only all the furniture was switched around, and I was sitting next to my boyfriend's mother on the couch, which was also a queen-sized bed. And we were staring at her iPad for some reason and the mother was still as a statue and I was nervous. Melvin was my boyfriend, although as soon as I realized his existence he became my friend instead.
He looped around and threw himself on the bed, elbowing me in the back in the process. I said, "Ow, that fucking—you just—elbowed my kidney!"
He was laughing kind of into my shoulder and he was like, "Sorrry," and I said, "Jesus Christ, I can still feel the pain RADIATING."
He said, maybe with some conversation in between, "That reminds me. I'm doing an experiment. Can I read your diary?"
Then we were in his bedroom, which was actually Maria's bedroom and he was pulling on fluffy hot pink slippers and we were still bantering as he got ready for bed and I didn't want to leave his room but I knew I would have to at some point. I said, "I– I feel like. I'm almost on my period and that jab caused, like, the shedding of my uterine lining," and he laughed and I think probably said I was gross, I don't remember. In seems like in most of these situations where I'm talking with someone I knew in real life, I can never remember what they said, but I can remember my side of the conversation pretty clearly.
At some point I ended up kneeled in front of where he sat on the edge of the bed and he sunk off of it so we could kneel together on the ground. I think he had his hands on my shoulders. I said, "You can read it on one condition—"
Nadiya came in and said she'd already found my diary. I was like, "It was that easy?! Jesus. Pleaaaase don't read it. I trust you not to read it." And she agreed
"What was I saying?"
Melvin said, "What's the condition?"
"Oh—" I kept getting interrupted somehow, maybe by Melvin talking to Nadiya off to the side, etc. Eventually I just said, "Please don't read anything before 2016, I was— a different person. I mean, even after that... Ugh." And then I remembered all the stuff I wrote about him while I had a crush on him. It didn't make me nervous, because in the dream we were best friends and I knew he wasn't going to judge me for having a crush even if it was unrequited, but I still didn't really want him to read my creepy thoughts, lol. I was going to tackle this particular problem but then I woke up and it was 2 PM.
Everything in that dream felt so real. Everything felt sort of nice, even when I was lost and I was trying to figure out if we had to drive on the left side of the road in Paris (in my dream, regardless of what it is in real life, the answer was no, according to my ~dream iPhone~).
I had Paris in my head because Professor Haunt replied to my email last night. I'll try to remember to talk about his email later, but for now I am still tired and I want to go watch the rest of Attack on Titan with Nadiya. It was good things, anyway, and it made me feel sort of—I don't know. I realized how desperately I want to be a writer and it was a little.. not disturbing, but notable, that all it takes really is some light praise for me to want it so badly. So so badly.
OK well. Later. I hope I dream well tonight too. I'm going back home tomorrow, long drive. Hope I'm okay. I don't love long stretches of freeway, but oh well.