༺ ♡.PINKY.♡ ༻

Ramblings, Stories, Fantasies
Ad 2:
2020-12-21 10:33:26 (UTC)

Busy morning

I have been busy.
Lots of cleaning.
Was folding laundry and came across some of his shirts.....
I bursted into tears.
It sucks.
Wish I could be angry.
But I can’t.

I have a friend who offered to cook and bring Christmas dinner for me.
I’m nervous about it,
But what can happen?
I mean, I just had my world turned upside down....
There’s a reason for everything.
Not sure what I’m to be learning from this, but it’s not in my control.
I’m not going to beg, plead, for someone to help change so it worked. I asked and asked and it never happened. I was doing the trying to change.....

I will, get through it. Will be hard, the heart aches with the good memories, but that darkness is still lifted. I don’t feel the stress I had. That stress of being scared to say anything because it would become an issue. The stress of feeling like I was his maid. Cleaning up and cooking for him, taking his dog out, every few hours, something he didn’t do, just stayed on his phone, or utube. Didn’t pay any bills but rent and that was always late. Just took advantage.

People can be so shitty, but that doesn’t change the love for someone.
Woulda been nice to just live separate and stay in touch like we did for 7 months. On video call everyday, and he would come visit for 2 days a week.
Things went ok that way, not great, he had major trust issues. That stopped when he was here more, but other issues came up and I was always feeling like a screw up, like nothing I said or did was right. The hurtful words still ring in my head.

There’s a reason. Maybe he needs to hit rock bottom to see what he had?

Going to wash some dishes, going to stop putting up laundry for now, maybe wrap Christmas gifts, or escape into a nap. I have been up 10 hours.