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2020-12-20 10:41:11 (UTC)

angst and then some brief attack on titan???

December 20, 2020 Sunday 9:46 AM

Tomorrow at 5 AM I am driving Maria to Boston to catch her flight back to Chicago. I don't know why that's the only pulsing thought in my head. I woke up at 7:30 and I am starving (cortisol, says my head, cortisol) but I will probably not be eating anytime soon because I like to suffer lol. The general trend of me living while responsible for my own food is that I usually only eat 1 to 2 meals a day. I've been good about breakfast since Maria introduced ~overnight oats~ to Nadiya and I, but we ran out of oatmeal last night, so. I just. Didn't. And I'm not really hungry for anything else. Although I intend to clean the kitchen later, so maybe that'll change what with all the food surrounding me lol. This is not what I meant to talk about.

In a rare twist of fate, I sort of miss Isaac lately, so I'll probably call him tonight if I can while I am taking my ~nightly walk.~ I go home in two days. Apparently my hometown is entering the red zone in terms of COVID, so of course I will be strictly confined to my parents' house, which was gonna be the situation anyways but now it's even more imperative, I guess. Also, I won't get to see Caroline, which, like. I called her out of the blue yesterday because I found some really nice Nikon lenses at the thrift store (selling for 30 fucking dollars!!! I found a lens that's work like $250 for 30 fucking dollars!!!!! Ommgmgggg). I would've bought it for myself but I don't have a camera and I probably won't buy one anytime soon. Besides, I needed to get Matt a Christmas present and he already has a Nikon and even if he didn't, he has a lot of adaptors for the Black Magic camera. And I know he'll get a lot more use out of it than I will. It's really nice and heavy. I tested it on Maria's Nikon last night and it seemed okay, but I want to actually take some photos with it and maybe some video to see how it shoots and re-familiarize myself with the terms so I can have a better understanding of its specs when I give it to Matt. So I will bring it home. Shit, I just realized that I don't know how I'm going to get Caroline's Nikon (the camera I was planning on testing it on while home) if she's self-quarantining.

Oh, yeah. I called Caroline because she used to be a big photography nerd, but she said she kind of lost a lot of that expertise and is surprised by her own willingness to let it go, since she spent like 6 or so years taking photos and classes for photography, etc. When she left to finish her degree in Albany, I think she gave it up because they didn't have an especially robust department lol, unlike Bard, which is a nerdy liberal arts school that of course has professors that are familiar with that obscure type of photography where you print on sheets of metal??? I forget. Caroline even has a box camera that still sits in our house, in addition to a million more film cameras and shit (the only one I remember is the Minolta because I really wanted to give it to Maria, since she used to use a Minolta film camera borrowed from Brown when she was taking a class in the visual arts department).

I ended up talking to Caroline for awhile on the phone and she told me that, because she works in retail and has to work up until Christmas eve, she can't see us. Worse is that her boyfriend—god, uhhhh, what did I call him? Fuck. Was it John or something? Damn it. Anyway he's going home for the holidays. And also my mom's birthday is next week and my sister's is the week after that and she's just gonna?? Celebrate alone? How's that gonna help w/ her depression?!?!?! Omg?!

We easily spoke on the phone for an hour. It was nice to talk to her but I always feel like I'm tripping over myself to say things and after I hang up I feel sooo guilty for talking so much. I'm always craving her attention and it's so rare to get it. Not that that particular upsets me—she has always been like that and I appreciate the lack of pressure to chat with each other, but I do wish I could control myself more in conversation with her instead of falling into the familiar pattern of talking to her a bunch and barely getting to hear what she has to say. I can't even count the number of times I thought she was done talking and nearly trampled over her before stopping myself. Godddd. I feel so guilty. I need to be more mindful.

I shared how unsure I was feeling about the future and she gave me some really good suggestions, which is nice. I managed to stop myself from expressing my worries with the level of fear and pessimism that I actually feel, and I think that limit actually kind of changed my perspective on everything, like I spoke the change. It's not a revelation that that can be done but I am still a bit—surprised. Although nothing is concrete, and I have no idea if it's true that I feel a little differently about my future or if it's just something I'm imagining to fit whatever strange narrative I am seeking to construct. Character development, satisfying arcs and whatnot. Sometimes I really hate my own speedy mind, the way it runs laps around me and I am left to untangle the trail, track the overlapping foot prints and use loose inductive to figure out where I came from and where I'm going and why and how and then the questions never end and I never manage to get an answer either. Just sit down on the ground and put my head in my hands and laugh.

And there we go. There's another short narrative too, another spiraling thought. I gotta stop it before it slips down the drain. I always remember that Lancelot said I'm strange in that instead of shying away from what is painful, I keep investigating it, ruminating and following myself eventually into a recursive loop that spins tighter and faster until I break down lol. He didn't say it like that, he doesn't speak like that. I just can't stop pretending, I don't know how. It doesn't matter, everyone pretends. This is just my way. It's okay.

My head hurts a little but not much. I am trembling from hunger. Actually, my head probably hurts *because* I'm hungry but, god, I don't care haha.

I've been binging Attack on Titan with Nadiya. It's so nice. Attack on Titan is far from a perfect show, but it's so interesting and I actually quite like it for its flaws, the same way I like Voltron: Legendary Defender. There's something very satisfying about re-constructing the narratives in my own head, filling in the absences in character development and plot and love. Especially love. Because I am a little piece of shit romantic with little desire to actually engage in realistic intimacy. I like the fake stuff in Fanfiction, even when it is written as if it is imperfect. Because even so, it is rarely reflective of the way I think it would go, or the way I think it would go. Sometimes it mentions sweat and acne scars and morning breath, and once I got to read a Fanfiction in which Keith (Voltron) had such a formative lack of physical touch and emotional trust that he couldn't really relax into any sort of cuddling. Even as he tried, it felt a little distant, and I related to that deeply. Not that I have gone through abuse or neglect, really, but all the same.

Sometimes I remember the way Moby smelled and how he tried to kiss me once and I said no. And another time he asked and I said no. And I should've said yes, but I try to gloss over that. And I remember how I slept over and lay awake feeling a little like I was going to vomit. I bent down to tie my shoe so it wouldn't exacerbate his anxiety (possibly OCD?? not sure) and he was so grateful. It was very weird. Anyway, that's long over and I am okay with that, honestly. We had our little coffee date (platonic) last semester and it felt like tying up loose ends. I can't remember if he asked to meet or if I did, but we are on good terms. I saw him on a Zoom call the other day, Karina invited me to play Among Us with some friends. I felt so awkward, not because of him but because I barely knew anyone. I feel a little bit of despair whenever I think of Karina now, but I don't want to talk about it.

I think I keep remembering romantic stuff lately lol. It comes and goes obviously, but it doesn't actually bother me much. I remembered last night that time Trip kissed me in that way that made me actually think I was in love with him lol. And this morning for some reason I remembered the revulsion I felt when I tried to kiss Isaac when I was 17, and the general revulsion I felt sometimes when he touched me. Stiff and shaking until I started crying on the ground and I don't remember exactly what I told him but I wished I hadn't said it. As with Moby, I know his smell is there stored somewhere, but it is only triggered when it comes up again. And also as with Moby, I don't miss it. I just remember it and I am interested in the memory. I don't want to change it. I just wish it wasn't so hard for me to be close to people. And to be present while I'm kissing them instead of thinking about how I'm kissing them and acting the facsimile of Being There. While instead feeling cold and calculating, performing and observing mechanics and sliding hands into the hair at the nape of their necks.

Gross. I am a two year old and this is all gross. Who ever thought this was a good idea? I should put on clothes and cut off my boobs and fill in the folds of my genitalia and overall just kind of leave my body and slip into another lololol. I hate very much the way this entry has gone so far. How did I get here? (Every time I ask that question I immediately think of David Byrnes and the Rick and Morty sketch, in that order).

Anyway!!!!! Attack on Titan is good. The character development is weirdly spotty and confusing. It sometimes feels like we didn't get to know Eren until, like, end of season 2. And Mikasa is still kind of a mystery to me. Levi is my favorite character because of course he is. Followed immediately by Hanje and then Eren. I think it is really easy to be annoyed by Eren, but I like that he begins the series believing he is special (even though he obviously very average and the only "special" thing about him is his very violent sense of conviction) and is then sort of ripped out of that reality. But I could've stood for a lot more moments of characterization... besides, y'know, brief flashbacks to him fighting people as a child and losing terribly until Mikasa comes to bail him out.

To Attack on Titan's credit, though, I think they sort of forego that level of detail for plot development and battle sequences. Which, the battle sequences are pretty brilliant and engaging, coming from someone who doesn't really like action. Comparatively, Voltron is super boring. Big robot. Then big robot use big sword. Almost gets killed. Big robot uses the Power of Friendship to discover an ~ex machina~ power and beat the Enemy. And/or Pidge manages to figure out the enemy's fatal flaw and bam. Armin is, I guess, the Pidge equivalent (well, he predates her—I mean, wait, no, Pidge was invented in the 80s—uhhh, but not in this form, okay) but he's kind of a boring character cuz he's, like. Not funny. Well, Attack on Titan is really *not* funny and it's not trying to be. But god. Fine. Too much to ask. But can Armin at least show some personality???? I legit do not understand the friendship between he, Mikasa, and Eren, beyond that they sort of ran around with each other as children and then bonded when everyone they loved died at the same time lololol.

Wait I just walked away to pee and get ready for the day and now I don't feel like writing. So bye haha.

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