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April 2021 (1)
FRIDAY, APRIL 2, 2021
No, Aly wasn’t just at home resting. They don’t yet know if the tumor is cancerous, but she has a kidney infection and said something about a procedure she doesn’t remember much of and being given morphine for. So I’m guessing this means that both PCPs she saw diagnosed her incorrectly which is truly scary. Maybe even scarier than the actual problems.
I was already on edge early in my day so I’m guessing I’m in for another 2-month spell with only 5 days off. Again, the longer this goes on, the less I think it’s hormonal and the more I think it’s either the meds or a “broken” brain. I’d love to think it was just something about this place in particular but that would be too good to be true. Too easy, and you know I never get off easy and that it won’t be a matter of simply moving to escape it.
I just feel so blah emotionally. Yeah, I think I feel it more emotionally at the moment than physically. My brain still keeps pinging back and forth between the most likely culprits…medication, hormones, broken brain, this place.
Fitbit thought I was doing a 15-minute sport when I was on the vibe platform although there are no active minutes.
Can’t access my Duolingo account. I think it was tied in with an email address I no longer have, and I can’t remember the password either. Unfortunately, this was one of the few accounts where I didn’t keep the info stored anywhere. Oh well. I can always create another account if I want to practice languages.
SATURDAY, APRIL 3, 2021
He says he’s sure he’ll be correct in saying I’ll feel better emotionally once we’re moved and I can’t help but ask myself…but what if he’s not? What if these strange and unsettling emotions really are a life sentence? He believes it’s multiple things causing it but what are all those things and why would they suddenly cause me to feel this way when I’ve been through worse in the past and never had this problem?
A woman was depressed due to having a miscarriage in the movie I was watching and I couldn’t help but think how much I miss the days of feeling down or anxious emotionally and knowing exactly why. It was always an outside source as well. Rarely was it anything internal and if it was it was nothing compared to this and it was incredibly short-lived. The worst I’d have would be something like irritability before periods.
I didn’t have much anxiety yesterday but almost every single day now I’m feeling something. Either a sense of unease or just feeling down. I rarely feel calm and happy anymore and I just don’t understand what’s wrong with me. Again, what are all the culprits? My mind keeps bouncing back and forth between the medication, my hormones, and something else going wrong with me. I keep asking myself the same two questions… What is causing it and what can I do about it? I feel like I’m never going to have answers to these questions. This really is a life sentence, so I just have to buckle up and tough it out. The rest of my life is going to be a rough ride but little by little I should get somewhat used to it the more it becomes a way of life. I would skip a couple of days of my med to see how I did but not with labs right around the corner.
Another thing I don’t get is why my ear/TMJ has been acting up and I also have questions where that’s concerned as well. I definitely do have TMJ symptoms, but could I also have nerve damage from ear surgery? Something else wrong? But really, what’s the point of oiling it and sleeping with my mouthguard if I’m just going to be in pain anyway?
We went to Walgreens yesterday for the first time in a while because I wanted some snacks, and because of my schedule, it was better to go to a 24-hour place.
Earlier we went through the hutch drawers and cabinets and decided what to take, what to trash, and what to Goodwill. Decided I definitely don’t want to take my father’s urn. I thought about trashing it and I wouldn’t hesitate to if it was my mother’s urn. After all, she had no problem sending me to some pretty shitty places herself. But I decided to bury him. Besides, he’s dead for fuck’s sake. He’s either passed on to some other plane or into total nothingness. Toting his ashes around in a fancy vase is pretty meaningless, at least to me.
When Tom’s foot gets better, he’ll make sure to dig a deep enough hole so that if anyone goes to plant something in the same area, he won’t be unearthed. I should have buried him in the woods of Auburn.
Tom’s back is better but he dropped a heavy piece of wood on his foot yesterday and it’s swollen and bruised.
Aly is going to be stuck in the hospital for another week. They don’t think the mass on her ovary is cancerous but just to be safe, they’re going to remove it. She has a kidney infection as well.
In another week I’ll ask her if she feels confident enough that she’ll be staying with Cam to give me her address to send her birthday present to or if she still has doubts that she would prefer me to send it to her parents. I think I can guess what her answer will be.
Today is vax day! We’ll be at the clubhouse at 11:30 and hopefully we won’t have to wait for hours to get jabbed since I’ve been up since 9:20.
I slept long and well, though, so that, along with taking it easy and having an extra cup of coffee, should help. I did do some cleaning, sorting and packing earlier and then Tom reminded me to take it easy so I’m not so rundown later on.
It’s been a surprisingly quiet night for the most part but the morning planes have been horrible lately and I’m sure they will be again in less than an hour.
I should go back to leaving a pad and pen in the bathroom so I can jot down dream notes after I get up and pee. I make a mental note to jot them down in Google Docs or something later on but then I forget.
In last night’s dream, we acquired thousands of dollars although I don’t know how many thousands or how we got it. He was eating and watching a show, but instead of doing it at his computer, he was out in the living room. We planned for him to work for a few months before we moved and I went out to the living room and asked him, “Do you really think it’s worth it to work for a few months before we leave?”
He kind of shrugged as if to say he wasn’t so sure about that and then I said, “You’re fading. The feeling about you working before we leave is fading. I think we should just take the money and go.”
In reality, it’s been many months that I’ve sensed he would never again work in this state.
SUNDAY, APRIL 4, 2021
We’re now officially vaccinated! We went down to the clubhouse at 11, and just as I figured there would be, there was a long line wrapping around to the side of the building. I’m sure we would have been in and out if I’d just gotten up rather than having been up 14 hours.
Ended up having to wait about an hour and I was surprised it was only in the mid-60s because the glaring sun made it feel warmer. The top of my head always seems to fry unless it’s under 50 degrees so I wished I had my pink sparkly cap along with a lighter-colored short sleeve outfit. I was slightly warm in my long-sleeved wine-colored dress but not too bad. It was mostly the top of my head and the bright glare. It would have been better if it was breezier or we were in the shade. Good thing it wasn’t in the 90s and humid!
Joy was passing out suckers, the little bitch. I still intend to give her a piece of my mind when we leave.
When we finally got inside, there was a long table with three young ladies. Two giving the shots and one writing out vaccine cards to prove we’ve been vaccinated. If we really do fly out of here that card will help.
One girl was giving the second dose to those who have already had their first dose and one was giving the single-dose shot that we got. Damn, did it hurt at first! I bled a little as well. Really thought it was going to be sore as hell but instead the only side effect I’ve noticed so far is fatigue. I’m so glad the laundry’s done and that the pigs are in someone else’s hands right now and I don’t have any real responsibilities to take care of today. I usually take Sundays off from working out so I can just veg out and relax. Oh, and of course get anxious at some point.
Yeah, yesterday was a pretty shitty day for that. I’m really struggling to come to terms with that and accept the fact that there’s a chance it could be with me for the rest of my life and I may never know why much less what to do about it. I still hope I’ll slowly get used to it over time as it becomes more and more of a way of life for me. The old me is already becoming a distant memory. But hey, I can do this for another 20 years or so, right? Yeah, I got this… I think.
As bright and as warm as the sun was yesterday, I never felt the least bit anxious when I was out there so I’m sure a part of it is having to be cooped up so much lately and just wanting to get the hell out of here but this was an important step in getting there! It’s going to take a couple of weeks to reach full immunity but tomorrow we can schedule eye exams so I can get new glasses and see better and we can really step up the rest of the prep work and finally get this place on the market.
Anyway, I was anxious almost all day yesterday. I’m hoping today’s anxiety will hold off until the middle or later part of my day like it usually does which means that if I do feel anything unpleasant I should have at least two hours to go. I haven’t had any black cohosh tea yet since it doesn’t always seem to be doing me much good but I did my tapping as soon as I got up. I wonder if being so fatigued prevents me from having enough energy to get anxious but I have felt anxiety when I was tired before so maybe not. Maybe just getting the hell out of the house for more than just a quick run to the store and getting a very important vaccine has a hand in why I feel better today at least so far. This vax has a 75% effective rate and is 100% effective at keeping you from having to go to the hospital and dying if you do get it. I guess your symptoms would be very mild.
Because I felt so shitty yesterday, I seriously considered skipping my medication today but I’m kind of glad I didn’t because I’m feeling better even if it’s temporary, and once again, it suggests it might not be the medication. The booming heart I initially had, yes, but the stabs of adrenaline that comes in waves???
Now if only my ear/TMJ could stop bugging me so much!
MONDAY, APRIL 5, 2021
I wish I could delete all memories of anxiety every time I wake up so that I wouldn’t spend so much time worrying about becoming anxious when I wasn’t actually anxious and would only be anxious when I really was.
It was virtually non-existent yesterday so I’m worried that today is going to be bad to make up for it. Even my arm is a little sore as if there was a delayed reaction from when I got the shot.
I also still don’t get how the hell I can gain 2.5 pounds from just ONE day of indulging and not shitting. I’m perfectly OK with remaining fat if that’s what my body feels it needs to do for whatever reason, but the curious side of me wonders about this strange phenomenon. It started resetting itself through being stuck before I started indulging. I didn’t indulge until the end of my day. So I just don’t get this one. Why is it so important to my body to hang on to its weight? What does it think would happen if I was suddenly 120 or something?
Actually, that might have been 1.2 pounds I gained since I might have been mistaken as to what I got down to but that still doesn’t take away the mystery of the big question as to why this always happens whenever I start to lose. I swear I could be locked in a room and starved and I would still hold my weight.
Despite my body’s determination to hold its weight, my wrists and ankles are slimmer lately so I had to put the smaller band back on my Fitbit even though I’m mostly only wearing it to bed these days.
Tom thinks he probably broke his foot when the board landed on top of it. It sure is pretty nasty looking and he said it feels fine when he’s laying down but when he gets up, it’s excruciating, so he’s gotta take it easy for a few days. I can do my part by myself just fine. Gotta tackle some cleaning since I don’t want things getting too dusty whether it’s stuff we’re taking with us or that’s part of the house.
Should I be worried to see two Florida visitors and one Connecticut visitor when I checked my visitor report? The tracking site I’ve been using has really gone downhill because I can’t tell where they went and their new playback of visitors’ activity doesn’t work at all. Anyway, I don’t see why the termites would come up as being in Naples or New Port Richey so no need to worry, and besides, what could they do anyway?
Saturday we saw Bob and Virginia’s SUV as well as a truck that looked like some kind of construction worker parked at the house, so I’m guessing one of their kids is looking to have something done before they sell the place. And I’m sure I’ll have to hear all about it too. Yesterday was nice and quiet but that’s LV for you. It takes a Sunday and a holiday for it to be quieter here.
TUESDAY, APRIL 6, 2021
The pigs now have competition because there are two new pigs listed and they’re only a year old. I’m just glad they’re in good hands right now. I do miss them, but I know they’re better off where they are.
Tom’s foot is still healing and so he’s been taking it easy, but I gave the stove a serious cleaning yesterday and will be tackling more of the refrigerator next. I really let it go for a while. I guess when you don’t give a shit about a place, you tend to do that. Still have to take the pumice and scrape the rings off the toilets as well. He’s going to steam the oven and these old shower stalls.
I just worry that we won’t be able to get a decent enough offer.
It’s looking more likely that we will fly out of here as opposed to driving but we’ll probably have to settle for Coach which would suck. Coach is always full of screaming kids. Even more so when it’s during prime travel time. I still don’t understand why airlines don’t do more to crack down on unruly kids or why the parents would even want to fly with them in the first place until they’re older. But better to scream cross country than drive it because it would be so hard on both of us. Plus, I’ll take my noise-canceling headphones. I don’t know how much good they’ll do me, but they would be better than nothing. Especially since the engines are going to be louder in Coach. As loud as planes are, though, it’s never enough to drown out the fucking brats, and if one is kicking my seat…
Excited for my two new sets of nail polish strips by Maitys that will be here tomorrow! One has solid colors and the other is a mix of solids and gradients.
Last night I dreamed we lived in a house that looks nothing like this and might have had two stories. Aly lived with us and they were both at work and it was nighttime. I realized I no longer liked being alone and even felt a bit nervous, especially when I opened the bathroom or bedroom door to find these strange shadows beyond the window at the end of the hallway. But then I realized it was 11:30 which meant that Tom would be in any second since he left work at 11 and it took him a half-hour to get home. I knew Aly would be home soon as well since she also worked the second shift.
Aly’s going to be having the ovary with the mass removed today. I guess they don’t know for sure if it’s cancerous, but they don’t want to take any chances. They’ve also decided that no, she doesn’t have kidney stones. I thought she was a bit young for that.
Also, one of the doctors is really bitchy telling her to push herself and not leave so much to the nurses. She says this doctor is a “known problem” around the hospital.
I asked her if she felt confident she would be staying with Cam for me to mail her birthday present there, and sure enough, she says she doesn’t know when she’ll be back with Cam, please send it to her parents, and thanks.
Like Cam wouldn’t hold her mail for her or something? So yeah, she definitely doesn’t want me to have that address or any info on Cam for some reason. She said it wasn’t for lack of trust but because she never stays anywhere more than a few months and isn’t sure she’ll be there for long. But she’s already been there for more than just a few months. If she didn’t trust me, why would she have given me her parents’ address? Yet it’s so hard to believe that she’s making him up. That doctor Summayah didn’t exist so at this point the only thing that makes sense, sadly, is that Cam really doesn’t exist. There’s something about her that’s keeping her from getting a guy which is still hard to believe since even the worst of women can land a guy but that’s the only thing I can think of at this point.
There’s a chance he could have made her swear to keep the address private and anything about him but then what would he be hiding? I don’t know, it all seems so weird. I’ve seen pictures of just about all my friends with their significant others. She’s the only one that insists she can’t share a picture because he’s “private.” Who the hell is that private, though? Even Tom’s never had a problem with me sharing our wedding or vacation photos.
I asked him his opinion and he thinks she just doesn't want to commit to that address and that it's some kind of psychological thing. But what is she gonna do when her parents move to Florida, if they really do as she says they're thinking of doing, get a PO Box?
Well, it cuts both ways because guess what? She’s not getting our new address until she can find it out herself!
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 7, 2021
Felt great yesterday but after a night of shitty sleep and shitty dreams, I’m feeling kind of blah today.
In one dream, I had my own apartment and I guess something must have happened to Tom even though I didn’t “feel” like he died or anything because I was crying to my ENT about how I was done and it was over for me because of how hard it was going to be for me to make it on my own.
“I don’t think people realize just how hard it is for those with circadian rhythm disorder,” I said, and then she put a finger to her lips and said something to suggest it wasn’t a crisis, though I don’t remember what she said.
Then I fell back asleep after getting up to pee and was crying about the same thing in the next dream, only I was at the termite’s place and our parents were still alive. I was telling her I hadn’t paid a dime of last month’s rent and was really scared for myself.
I wanted desperately to call our parents but was having trouble getting through. When they finally called us, I wanted to blurt it all out but all I could do was sob and tell them I missed them.
Got to my appointment a few minutes early and waited in the car. Being the first patient of the day, we saw Doc A drive in at 7:30. She drives this ugly navy-colored thing.
Doc A confirmed that no, nothing in my brain broke that’s causing my negative emotions otherwise there would be other symptoms. Found another site called Gennev that also confirms that the negative emotions, including depression and anxiety, can extend into the phase of menopause I’m in.
It’s true that when I think about it, there isn’t anything else physiologically wrong with me that should be causing it other than hormonal changes. They do chemistry/hormone panels at least once a year and I don’t have any other issues or diseases that could cause depression and anxiety. Yet even though my logic tells me exactly what it is and that it can’t go on forever, I still worry it will. Because I can never know for sure what will happen and when it makes it harder on me. But if I knew it would taper off around such and such a time, I think that would help at least to a degree. Since there’s no magic pill I can take, I just have to utilize other tools like tapping, the tea, and getting out as often as I can. The nights I used to love are now something I totally dread.
For the longest time, I said that if the me of my 20s could read many of my future journals from my 30s and 40s, I would be amazed, delighted, and surprised by much of what I read. But if the present-day me could read entries from the next 5 to 10 years I would honestly be afraid to! I’m just afraid I would cringe at what I might read.
I told Doc A about the side effects I had from the statins and the bupropion and that I can’t get into the lab until next week. She said to let her know when we’re actually moving so she can give me a few months of medication to hold me over until I can get a new doctor.
I showed her the red spot on my leg and she isn’t sure what it is. She says that if it ever bothers me or I ever want to find out, I can go to a dermatologist for a biopsy. Fortunately, it doesn’t itch and it hasn’t changed color or size in quite a while.
Loud vehicles, including motorcycles, are getting bad again. We’re looking at about a week or two before we contact the Sundae-like people. I can’t fucking wait!
We went online so I could submit my excuse for wanting to get out of jury duty and that’s that it would take an hour and 40 minutes via public transportation each way. Fortunately, this is true since I don’t think they’ll accept my simply not being interested.
THURSDAY, APRIL 8, 2021
Still can’t figure out for the life of me why my body stops shitting once I get down to 155. Just what the hell is going on that’s so important that I keep my weight? I still don’t get that one. Well, at least I don’t have to worry about what I eat since the weight is eventually going to reset itself on its own anyway. I still watch what I eat most days, but I don’t have to worry about the one or two cheat days I throw in each week. I can’t imagine ever needing to but it’s also nice to know that if I ever had to go for a while without food, I wouldn’t waste away.
Lab day is on the 14th. I’m guessing my TSH will be 12-16. The skips probably kicked me up to around 22, so I’d be starting from there and not the 34 or so I’d be unmedicated.
Tom got a new Google phone and we both got passport wallets that will be a convenient place to keep those along with credit cards, medical cards, etc. His will be black and mine will be lake blue.
We both agree that our best bet is to just take a lower offer for this place so we can get the fuck out already and then get a cheap dump when we get there so we increase our chances of getting into it with our limited income, and then we can customize it to our taste and decide if we want a set a goal to get into a nicer place or not. I’ve learned that except for when it comes to each other, life has been nothing but settling anyway. Especially when you don’t have tons of money. But even the dumpiest place there is going to be better than here!
Speaking of houses, it occurred to me last night that I never thought to Zabasearch my doctors, so I ran Doc A's name and found that she lives in Auburn, 33 minutes away. She has a beautiful two-story home at the end of a cul de SAC. It’s a 4-bedroom, 3-bath built in 1982 and is over 2000 square feet.
Now that I see it on a satellite map and how surrounded she is by nature much like Jesse’s trailer was, it goes with her Facebook cover photo. I’m sure that was taken on her back deck. Oh how much more peaceful it must be there! She might hear some barking at least at night and maybe some distant bass thumping as we do here but from what I remember, there were no planes or helicopters. The only time we heard helicopters was when they were replacing the wires up at the summit. She’s so fucking lucky!
She’s not as old as I thought she was, either. I thought she was 46 but she’s actually 43. I don’t think she’s married like I assumed since her last name is technically (name omitted). I noticed she has relatives in Ecuador that also go by (name omitted), plus I can clearly see no ring in pictures that show her left hand. She might have a boyfriend, though, because I’ve seen her pictured with a guy with sandy-colored hair and light eyes and one of her three kids has that same coloring. She’s heavy into GLBT rights so who knows? Maybe she’s gay or she just prefers the single life.
Then I looked up my ENT who’s the exact age I thought she was (38) and 21 minutes away and OMFG! She has a 5000-square-foot mansion in Fair Oaks! It’s a 2003 home worth over a million bucks and has 5 bedrooms and 4 baths. My first thought was, who the hell needs that much space, especially just three people?! But then I realized that one or both of them might have kids from previous relationships. She married and moved in there in 2014 and it looks like Doc A moved into her place in 2012. Maybe they have separate bedrooms, one belongs to the kid I know she has, and another is a guest room while another is a playroom for all I know. It too is on a Cul de SAC but she would definitely hear more barking because as huge as the houses are, they’re set incredibly close. She could hear a similar number of planes but probably no more bass than we hear unless one of her immediate neighbors is into that shit.
While I certainly wouldn’t want a place that was thousands of square feet, it still sometimes sucks to know that I’m never going to really truly love where I live and that we’re always going to have to settle. I’ll never get the peace and quiet I’ve always wanted. In fact, getting into a petless, motorcycle-free park is just a pipe dream. I mean, sure, they exist, but waiting to find an ideal and affordable place in one of them would probably take forever since I’m guessing they’re few and far between. So yeah, it sucks to know that the next place will likely be quieter than this but still noisier than I’d like. Also older than I’d like with boring views.
FRIDAY, APRIL 9, 2021
Went out walking yesterday and it was nice. The kind of weather that would be a little too chilly for if you were just sitting there but ideal for working out. Probably not going to go out today but will hit the vibe platform.
I just wish I knew why I always get stuck after I lose a couple of pounds! It really is like my body does everything it can to prevent additional weight loss. Found an article that confirmed that no, I’m not going crazy or imagining it. Constipation really can hinder weight loss. I remember this to be an issue going as far back as Maricopa. I wonder if my thyroid started going bad that far back. I figure it started anywhere between the early 2000s and 2010. But I certainly couldn’t stay stuck for life if I suddenly stopped eating, could I? Not that I’d want to stop eating but it definitely makes me wonder.
Yesterday I felt great emotionally. My heart got a little racy at the end of my day but that was about it. Starting off today well but who knows how I’ll feel later on. I just wonder how the hell the days have gotten so damn long! It seems like the older I get, the more hours in a day there are.
I tweeted to the SPCA asking how long they keep healthy animals before they give up trying to rehome them and they said they keep them for as long as it takes provided they remain happy and healthy.
They updated the pigs’ about me section since they’ve gotten to know them now that they’ve had some time with them, and they mentioned Rockefeller making the cutest little guinea pig sounds when he gets excited and how Blitz is shy but friendly.
Love this liquid facial foundation I got a sample of a while back. It covers the redness well and provides a more even-colored appearance but over time I’ve noticed a reduction in the redness in my face, so maybe I never really did have rosacea. It seemed like it was at its reddest during the time we lived in Auburn but now there’s just a hint of it which is nice because then I don’t need blush but also don’t look like a clown either or like I got this strange sunburn.
Also got another perfume sample that smells nice. Love getting those and facial creams and serums.
Aly’s gift will be going out today and arriving early next week though I don’t know when she’ll be released. Haven’t heard from her since yesterday’s surgery. I just hope she gets a break and can enjoy better health and happiness for a while whether or not she remains with Cam.
Last night I had a dream C was in but I don’t remember much detail other than referring to him as handsome, giving him a quick kiss, and being glad he didn’t want any more than friendship.
There was also some dream about Tom and I going to meet in a hotel that was just outside the park. He wanted me to walk there after 11:00 PM and would later meet me there. I was worried about the possibility of being jumped by more people than I could handle but then we agreed I would be OK.
SATURDAY, APRIL 10, 2021
Aly’s recovering from surgery. I guess they took both her ovaries out and that means instant menopause, the poor girl. If she has it half as bad as I have, it’ll still be a nightmare.
Aly said she was terrified at first because she thought she was in an explosion, and that she loves me like a sister.
I ordered an 8x10 desert diamond painting to do for Andy. I had a pair of palm tree pictures against a sunset sky and was going to use one of the frames to put it in. However, the frame is glass rather than plastic and glued at the edges so I can’t replace it easily without damaging it. So I’m just going to send the diamond painting by itself and let him get a frame for it. That way all we have to do is stamp it and throw it in a regular mailbox unlike with Aly’s package which the post office is taking its sweet time picking up. If they don’t get it soon, we’re going to have to bring it to the post office ourselves which will suck since we still have a week to go to reach full immunity. We’ll reach it next Saturday on Aly’s 40th birthday.
We framed the diamond painting of the dark-haired girl and it looks gorgeous. Working on the dream catcher now.
One of the two sets of nail strips I got was either old or defective. Decided Wokoto is my favorite brand so I went to their store and ordered a few small sets. They’re a mix of floral, gradient, and other designs with both glitter and glossy finishes.
Tom thinks he might have broken a bone in his foot because now his toe is sore. If he did, it should just be a tiny, microscopic piece that will settle into place somewhere.