Subtropical Lady

March 2021 (1)

MONDAY, MARCH 1, 2021

It’s March! Finally! The month I hope three things happen and that’s that the house goes on the market, the pigs get rehomed, and we get vaccinated.

We got some coconut oil earlier and I rubbed it on Rockefeller’s butt. Don’t know if it’s going to make a difference or not, but even after his bath, you would think someone sprayed hairspray on his ass. His fur is so stiff.

I forgot to mention that there were three vehicles at Virginia’s on Saturday. At first I thought she was back even though I couldn’t understand why it would take three vehicles to transport her. Well, she’s not back yet and the vehicles didn’t stay for long either. I thought maybe they were prepping the place and bringing in groceries in light of her return but she’s still not here, so I guess it will be a while yet.

I hated to do it but I kind of teased my ENT with a new referral. I couldn’t very well tell her, “Hey, you were showing up in my dreams a lot and that usually means something’s up. So I Googled you and sure enough, it said you were permanently closed.”

Instead, I said I ran into someone in need of an ENT and she Googled her and I wondered if she was closed or not.

She replied this morning saying that she was still seeing patients there, marketing was supposed to fix that, please send her, and thanks for letting her know.

As I may have mentioned before, the previous residents left some silver here. A collectible set with two little candle holders and a few small trays. Looks like something straight out of the 1800s. Tom was able to find the company that made it and what they’re worth and apparently, they’re only worth about $40 these days. So we decided to take them with us in case they’re worth more later on.

I have continued to remain anxiety-free but I’m still not sure if the magnesium is connected to that or not. If I can make it through the month without any anxiety, then yes, it is! I doubt it, though. I think it’s just a coincidence. I’ve learned not to let any new discovery that seems to help at first tease me. The anxiety does come and go and it likely would have fizzled out on its own.

Got a body scrub with our Walmart order this morning. Haven’t used one in ages and I want to see if I can exfoliate the skin well enough to replace the need for bath gloves.

TUESDAY, MARCH 2, 2021

He and I were discussing the differences between a place in an adult community versus not in one. The adult community would be more expensive and come with more rules and restrictions. But it would also mean we wouldn’t have to maintain our own pool and we would be a little safer too. No risk of getting next to a pack of welfare bums of color that could happily race card me into a world of hell if I dare complain about their loud, obnoxious screaming kids, barking dogs, and wild parties at any given hour of the night and day, which would include the ungodly thumping of bass from the regular slew of vehicles coming and going. Can’t believe Florida would be any different than the west. In other words, they would be the ones to be believed.

So the biggest risk of going outside a park would be not knowing what we may end up next to. But it would certainly be cheaper, and we would have more freedom in some ways. It’s all going to come down to what we find within our price range when we go hunting for a place in person. We’re still going to enlist the help of a realtor who knows the areas we’ll be looking in.

If there really has been a noise curse on me all these years, the smart thing to do would be to not bother considering noise when looking for places. I mean, I wouldn’t want to get a place that was obviously noisy like right by a school, train track, or an airport, but life is noisy these days no matter where you go, cursed or not.

Tried to adjust my dentist appointment but they don't have anything else anytime soon, so I left it as is.

Went back on statins last night and so far, so good. The only problem I might be having with them are the foot cramps I sometimes get. I’m not sure if they’re responsible for them or not since I have been making a point of getting extra magnesium and potassium. I did read that they can cause them, though.

A guy who takes magnesium before bed along with other vitamins says he’s never noticed any correlation with magnesium reducing anxiety. Yeah, but we’re talking menopause anxiety in my case. It’s either tied to that or the thyroid medication. I still can’t believe it’s simply due to what’s going on in my life. I mean, I’ve been calm for days now, yet we’re still moving. So it’s hard for me to believe that most of the anxiety I went through for over three weeks was due to the upcoming move. I still expect the anxiety to return at some point. It always does. I can’t even go a month without feeling some trace of it. I’ve been keeping track for quite a while now. But if the magnesium can help keep it from getting worse, then great! I’ll know by March. If I can’t make it to March without feeling anxious, then it’s not helping and the calmness I’ve been experiencing the last week is purely a coincidence.

I’m changing my eating habits to two large meals a day with fruit for a snack in between. Going to take a few days to get used to. I won’t lose weight, of course, but it’s always been a good way to keep from gaining.

Also, he’s not quite 100 pounds overweight but more like 80. That’s still a lot of weight but he’s not as overweight as I thought thanks to my shitty counting. He thinks he should be 175 which makes sense for a guy who’s 5’ 10”. He’s about 260 but just like most older people, he can only lose so much and it’s a bitch to keep off. This is precisely why I settled for maintaining rather than trying to lose. But I think it will be better for me to adopt these eating habits for other things besides weight control. I think it will be better for my blood pressure and cholesterol and all that. Just going to take some getting used to. The hungrier I get, the harder it is to get rid of, but I guess it’s that way for most of us. Just like the worse a headache gets, the harder it is to get rid of. I didn’t eat for the first 4 hours of my day today, so I was famished by the time I did eat. Yet even after sauteed mushrooms and onions with 4 chicken wings, I was still a bit hungry, but I had to be in order to start myself on this plan. I’m determined to stick with my two-meal/one-snack plan, too. Guzzling lots of water helps keep my tummy a bit fuller, too.

In another 4 hours, I’ll have a banana and an avocado and then before bed, I’ll have salmon, Jasmine rice, and veggies.

He’s been having a tough time getting some of the adhesive off the laundry room floor and of course he doesn’t want to do anything that might damage it. It’s a pressure-sensitive adhesive, so the high-traffic areas are really tough. He ordered a razor on a long stick from Amazon that will hopefully help, along with incense in 18 surprise fragrances for me.

Incense, essential oils, perfume… I just can’t do without my smells. And I love all kinds from fruity to sweet to earthy to flowers. Someday after we’re settled, since we don’t want to move more liquids than necessary, I want to try Jovan Black Musk for women. Their regular Musk is a favorite of mine.

Yesterday, I tackled the master bathroom. Couldn’t get it perfect but I made it better. It’s just that everything is so old in there. I don’t know if these are the original countertops, but the floors of the shower and tub are discolored in ways I don’t think any cleaning agent could fix. I think they simply need to be replaced. So glad he got that steamer, though! It really does help make a big difference with many things. It’s what we’ll use to clean our joke of a “self-cleaning” oven that’s caked with grease.

Just when I was thinking Andy may have ghosted me and changed his mind about reconnecting with me, he said he got all my messages and has just been busy but will get back to me as soon as he can.

No problem, as I told him.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 3, 2021

Argh! Had it with the Fitbit issues! The website was messed up yesterday and now their app is too. Let me guess, Fitbit’s unnecessarily revamping their site so they can confuse users with having to do things in new ways than what they’re used to hence inviting bugs and other problems when the old way worked just fine.

Going to take a break from them for a while. I’m really not getting that much out of them anyway. It’s not like weight loss is an option for me, although it is interesting to check my HR and sleep at times. If anything, it’s been a great way to tell the time when I wake up during my sleep because I’m too blind to see the digital clock which was too damn bright anyway.

Texas and Mississippi are being so fucking stupid. This isn’t the first time people have been stupid by giving up and throwing in the towel simply because they’re running out of patience with having to put up with wearing masks. No one should stop wearing a mask until they’ve been vaccinated for a while. Fine, though. Let ‘em kill each other. We’re going to be smart and keep our masks on and not go out unnecessarily!

Now for the bad news and that’s that I now have my answer as far as the magnesium helping goes, and it’s just the answer I expected too. I was a little on edge yesterday for a couple of hours and now I’m worried again. I’m worried about how I’ll feel toward the end of my day and that this is the start of another long, kick-ass anxiety spell. I took the magnesium once I started to feel a little wound up, but it didn’t have the calming effect on me it had the first few times I took it.

Then I made a discovery. Not all magnesium is the same. There are half a dozen different forms. So I looked at the bottles and the huge capsules we have and found taurate, malate and one other thing in it. The gummies I got are citrate.

I don’t know if my doctor would know about this sort of thing, but I’ll ask her which form and dose she thinks is best for me or if she recommends something else. According to what I read, they can’t say for sure which form is best for anxiety, but studies conducted that suggest there is a connection to magnesium easing anxiety were when oxide and lactate were used. I think later on, I’ll take one of each.

Decided to stop the statins again because it’s a bit of a coincidence that the day after I restart them, I get wound up. Could be just a coincidence along with the foot cramps I had the night I took them, but why take chances unnecessarily? I still don’t even know if I want to take statins because I don’t believe I’ll have a heart attack or a stroke anytime soon. And again, I don’t want longevity. Not with a husband older than me, not with the way men don’t live as long as women, and not with the fact that I’ve lived long enough as it is. I know so many people wish they could live forever but what the fuck would I do with myself for that long??? It’s enough of a challenge some days trying to figure out how to fill my time and I’m not even in my 60s yet.

Not as hungry today since I’m starting to get used to my new eating schedule, but I was stuck yesterday. My body always does that as a way of rebelling against weight loss, so I went down two pounds and then back up one. That’s okay because I know I’m at least not going to break any records this way.

THURSDAY, MARCH 4, 2021

Ran out to Rite-Aid yesterday but his prescription wasn’t ready. We’ll go back tomorrow. Going to try a bottle of sparkling Pink Moscato at that time too. Right now I’ve got some Merlot and Zinfandel in single-serve bottles.

Apparently, Canadian geese like to stick their tongues out when they hiss at you for getting too close. I’ve heard them hiss before but this is the first time I noticed the tongue thing. I got a little too close to one when I was jogging down past the lake the other day. They’re said to be pretty unfriendly and even aggressive at times. The ducks are definitely braver and friendlier. If the geese can hiss like that just because I got within a few feet, I’d hate to get too close to their nests!

OMG, though, I’m SOOO glad we don’t live by this particular house by the lake. They have an iron fence toward the back and even though they’re probably not kept out at night and someone was with them, two dogs came barking up to the fence as I walked by. I would be so annoyed as hell if I lived next door and had to listen to that every time someone walked by even if it was just in the daytime!

Got a video appointment later on with Doc A but I doubt she’ll be much help and that it won’t amount to much more other than $65 wasted. I’m sure she’ll be late too.

FRIDAY, MARCH 5, 2021

My video appointment with Doc A yesterday went better than expected. First, a nurse called and checked me in by asking for my vitals, height, and weight, but as I told her, I hadn’t taken my vitals. I wasn’t expecting a call because no one called the first time I had a video appointment.

Then I was put in the virtual waiting room. This time Doc A was 20 minutes late instead of 45. I really thought she wasn’t going to have anything new to suggest I try. She didn’t have any recommendations for anything OTC and agreed that the magnesium was pointless. However, she did recommend bupropion which I’ll start tomorrow. It’s an anti-depressant that’s used not just for depression but for general anxiety as well as quitting smoking, pain management, and other things. As I told her, I’m pretty desperate, so I’ll try anything at this point. The anxiety gets so bad at times that it overrides any medication fears, not that I’m not still a bit worried about it, of course. But it’s not an SSRI or benzo.

Tom and I agreed I wouldn’t look it up so I wouldn’t be paranoid and worried about what I may find, though he looked it up. I guess the only real concern is for those who are bipolar. I did ask Doc A if there was anything I should worry about and she said I might get a headache or an upset stomach. She said to message her if I have any problems but I’m really hoping to hell that this is it! This will stop the anxiety without killing me in the process! I’d really hate to find the answer to my anxiety just to not be able to tolerate the treatment that could help me get back to living a normal life. I swear I’m going to feel like something up there wants me to suffer if it backfires on me in any way. Hopefully, it won’t be the other way around either where I don’t have side effects but still get stabbed with random waves of adrenaline. It can take a couple of weeks to work and I guess six weeks to get the full effects. It’s a long-acting, 24-hour-release drug.

She also recommended returning to therapy but I wasn’t about to return the Stacey when I just told her we were leaving. But that’s not the main reason. The main reasons are money and the fact that I don’t see what else we could possibly discuss that could help me. I truly believe my problem is physiological and not anything evil going on in my mind or my life. If that were the case, I would have had this problem decades ago when my life was much worse.

It’s up to me of course, but if I ever did need a therapist again, Tom had a really good point when he suggested seeing someone else since no one therapist knows it all, and maybe they would have additional tools that could help me. It’s true that not all therapists are the same. Look how much more helpful Stacey was as opposed to Dana.

We’re going to Rite Aid in a few hours and pick up my prescription along with his blood pressure medication. I won’t be starting until tomorrow because I’m going to take it a half-hour after I take my thyroid medication. So I’ll take it when I have my coffee. She recommended I don’t have any wine for the first week.

Oh, how wonderful it would be to not get anxious and to be able to take my thyroid medication every day without skipping! And to get a great offer on the house and then eventually return to the statins without issues! But that’s likely too good to be true. I can still hope, though.

Decided I’m going to do three-minute sprints on the treadmill every 10 hours. I’m going to walk briskly for 2 minutes at 3 miles an hour and then I’ll jog at 4 miles an hour for the last minute.

My random variety pack of incense came yesterday and I’m liking it so far although I’ve only tried a few scents. It’s incredibly strong incense!

I had a dream last night that started in present times and then jumped back in time. It started off with Andy living in Florida and Tom and I getting ready to move there as we are in real life. I called Andy and asked him where in Florida he was living. He hesitated a moment and I told him that he didn’t have to tell me anything he didn’t want to, but what was it like where he was?

Then we were both back in Massachusetts and my parents were alive. He was still waiting tables as well. One late afternoon he walked to my place from the restaurant he worked at on his break and walked me back to the restaurant where I hung out with him for a while.

There were people seated at a large booth that we both seemed to know at one point. When the sun was beginning to set I decided it was time to go home, only I wasn’t sure I could remember the way back to my place on my own since I’d only recently moved back there. I didn’t have my cell phone on me so I went to use the payphone to call my mother to come and pick me up, but then realized I didn’t know her number by heart which was programmed into my phone.

So I hung up frustrated and unsure of what to do. I didn’t want to bug Andy to bring me back since it would be a while before his shift ended, but was afraid of getting lost if I set out on foot, especially with the sun setting and making it harder to see.

In real life, he and I have been swapping funny memes.

SATURDAY, MARCH 6, 2021

Decided to drop my other LJ account since it was pretty dead over there and I’m writing on OD again instead when I want to share things I don’t share on PB. That’s because I’m more comfortable with not allowing comments on OD than PB.

Began the bupropion. Hoping to knock those “knives” outa the “stabbing” bastards’ hands soon enough! Still worried about how I may feel in the next few days, though. Hopefully, it’ll just disarm the bastards from stabbing me with adrenaline without making me want to kill myself while it’s at it. The only thing I might have experienced so far is fatigued but I sometimes have that anyway. Very slight scratchy throat as well which I also get at times. Started to get a slight headache but that went away before it could set in. The most disturbing thing I’m feeling (I think) are faint traces of cramps. As in from my uterus. Lastly, a head rush where my bad ear rang for a few seconds. All stuff I could get anyway and nothing serious. If it’s going to do anything good or bad, it can take anywhere from a few days to a couple of weeks to notice.

Decided that doing sprints every hour was a bit extreme so I’m just settling for getting my daily Zone minutes.

Already feeling a slight tinge of doubt and regret where Andy’s concerned. His cute and funny memes have turned sexual and I’ve made it clear numerous times I’m not into many dirty/X-rated jokes. Some are okay but I’m more of a cute joke person or funny puns kind of person. And I’m not into the damn “nigga” shit either. But I’ve learned that with him it’s best to just keep quiet because he’s like the termite. If I remind him I’m not interested in the God fantasy, the black talk, or regular food discussions, he’ll only bring these things up more. Again, nothing wrong with those who have these interests. They’re just not my thing any more than tennis, chess or heavy metal music is. We’re only connected on Facebook at the moment so if he really gets to me I’ll just ghost.

Since it had been a while, I decided to say hello to Dixie. She said she’s trying to get Diane back into her daycare program but doesn’t think it will be anytime soon. If it’s that insanely loud Pride van that would be picking her up and bringing her home, then I sure as hell hope it isn’t any time soon! Damn thing was motorcycle-loud. I don’t need to add things that could disrupt my sleep.

She also said she had to choose between hip surgery and heavy pain medication, and then asked how the moving plans were going.

Had a rather disturbing dream where Tom and I committed a crime together, although I don’t know what it was. So we got arrested and were brought into this large room with old-fashioned cages. The ones where there are only bars and no solid walls. They booked Tom and threw him in one of them while I was waiting to be booked.

I began walking around, trying to avoid these people that tried to appear as if they worked as inmate advocates. But we were smart enough to know they were really undercover cops trying to elicit information from those that were booked on various charges. As I moved around the room to keep my distance from them, I noticed an entry door was slightly ajar. My first instinct was to run for my freedom but I couldn’t leave Tom in jail alone, and I knew I had no place to go and no means of supporting myself anyway, so I guess I didn’t make a run for it.

SUNDAY, MARCH 7, 2021

Damn, do I miss the old me! The one who didn’t feel nearly this shitty this often, and when she did, she usually had a reason to. I miss the old me who could take pleasure in the simplest things from the sound of rain to the way a lamp shone down upon stuff in the room. Silly little things that could send those feel-good vibes coursing through my body like the way a faucet would run or knowing that the place was clean and tidy. Damn, do I miss her! This person I once was and that I fear I’ll never be again.

Yeah, not a great day physically or emotionally but I know it’s way too soon for any positive results if I’m going to get any at all. I slept absolutely shitty as hell after being up for 18 hours yesterday. This medication can cause insomnia, but it might have been a coincidence since this happens to me a few times a month anyway. Too soon to say, though. It will depend on how I sleep tonight. I sure am tired, though. I have been all day.

The only things I experienced that were a bit unnerving were the partial runs and a strange feeling in my face and mouth. The latter was the one that was kind of unnerving. My cheeks felt flushed and warm for the first few hours after taking my second dose, and my nose and lips felt a bit tingly. When I took a bite of food, I had a funny feeling in my mouth and it was a little hard to taste the food at first. Ugh, why can’t I just be one of those who can take whatever medication she needs to take?! Why does there always have to be a problem?

The only other thing I noticed was that my appetite is down a bit. Usually, it’s the other way around when I’m tired because lack of sleep often triggers hunger hormones.

Still have a little tingling in the area above my upper lip and my nose. He didn’t see that mentioned in the side effects so I’m going to assume it’s not dangerous and will go away within a week or so. I didn’t have that after taking my first dose, though, so taking my third is going to be a little scary. He said the only thing I should really need to be concerned with is whether or not I experience suicidal thoughts.

So I felt a bit warm during the first part of my day but had no fever. I just don’t understand why the anxiety got so much worse all of a sudden when I’m at a time when it should be getting better. At least that’s what I thought, anyway.

I just hope this anxiety issue is resolved once and for fucking all! I can’t play this game all my life. I just can’t. I really need to be done with it by the time we move so I can focus on that without such a huge distraction. Moving is stressful enough and I don’t need any shit dampening the exciting part.

My sleep mask with Bluetooth came today. Don’t know how comfortable or effective it will be, but I’ll soon find out. They’re going to give me a $15 Amazon gift card for leaving a review in 5 days.

MONDAY, MARCH 8, 2021

According to my 2015 journal, it looks like I took approximately 6 doses of Prozac before the suicidal thoughts got bad enough to discontinue it. However, dose #3 is going better than dose #2 of the Bupropion. I thought I started to feel a slight tingling in my lips a couple of hours after taking it, and I was like oh no, not again! But I’ve been fine ever since. Just a funny feeling in my mouth at times, slight weakness in my upper legs, and a bit of fatigue even though I got caught up on sleep. If this is as bad as it gets and will actually work without the suicidal thoughts it can cause, then great. I would take it for the rest of my life if it will stop me from feeling so bad emotionally. Depression and especially anxiety, are the absolute worst things on earth! I used to believe that emotional suffering would be better than physical suffering figuring that it’s just a feeling. Wrong! Dead wrong. I would take a world of pain every day any day over the emotional suffering I’ve done! Really, I would take it without shame for I’m unapologetically too selfish to give a shit what others think.

Even my body temperature seems a little better today and more regulated. Yesterday I kept going from cold to hot and back and forth. I wasn’t kidding when I said I missed the old me. Not the naive smoker with asthma, but the one who didn’t always feel too cold or too hot, wasn’t anxious in the way I have been these last several years, didn’t need glasses, was in control of her weight, more flexible, skin not so dry, no gray hairs, no TMJ, and didn’t have the kinds of concerns she has now. Things that were no big deal back then are so much harder on me now.

We went for a walk before Tom took a nap which he’s doing now. Amazing how he can sleep through traffic. It’s dying down a bit now but in the 15 minutes we went walking, there were at least three planes that I remember tearing overhead.

I don’t think we did, but between his runs that he had this morning and my tingling, he wondered if we got the virus. More than likely, his runs were due to lack of sleep and my tingling was the new medication.

My mood is a little better today and being caught up on sleep helps with that, too. The question is how I’m going to feel after 8 p.m. which will be the middle of my day. I was definitely anxious during the last half of my day yesterday, getting stabbed with the usual waves of adrenaline in the center of my chest.

Andy’s been doing a better job of sending me pics I like and I’ve been doing the same with him. We share a combination of funny memes and nature and animal pics.

Although they have until the 24th, I worry that the SPCA is going to blow us off.

Had some really weird dreams last night and I mean really weird. Weird is definitely better than bad, though. I guess I was pregnant in one of the dreams and close to my due date. Because I was a high-risk pregnancy, I had to stay at this hospital where each woman had their own cubicle. Actually, it started off more like a room with the wall missing where the door would be.

The doctor was telling me she didn’t recommend me delivering the baby in a certain way, whatever that way was. I knew I had a couple of other options and it hit me that I was still unprepared and didn’t know anything about how to care for it.

Then the dream changed, and I might not have been pregnant anymore or in a maternity ward. A black guy in the cubicle across from me called me and asked that I not use a certain device at night anymore because the light shooting straight off the back of it would keep him awake Because it went from the opening of my cubicle into his. So I asked him what time he went to bed and he started to tell me not to worry about that but I asked again anyway and he told me 8. I told him I would be careful after that time with what I used.

There was a small window in the back wall of my room and I got out of bed and peered through it. There was a very ill person in that room that I seemed to know. I wondered if they were back yet from going out somewhere, so I went and checked and saw a nun sitting on the side of the bed. She had a sad and thoughtful expression on her face. Then I saw the silhouette of the woman lying in bed in the darkened room

In another dream, my ENT was hugging me fiercely and then telling someone I made her a gorgeous bracelet in a car that she was driving.

TUESDAY, MARCH 9, 2021

The 3 traits I like best in a person are honesty, a sense of humor, and intelligence. Anyone who knows me knows I hate lying but I realize I’m kind of doing that to myself when I do the chant Stacey taught me to do along with the tapping. I’m supposed to say, “I hate this anxiety but I still love and accept myself.”

Well, the truth is that I like myself but don’t exactly love myself. And accept myself? There’s no fucking way I could accept this anxiety for the rest of my life. If it doesn’t back off in a year or two, I’m going to have to make the toughest decision of my life and that’s either except that I may be doomed to suffer for the rest of it or end it all. I really, really still hope that it’s not mostly tied in with the Levothyroxine! Damn, do I hope it is the hormones!

Took the fourth dose when I got up and the tingling is back. Didn’t have it yesterday. I don’t know why it’s every other day. Haven’t yet been really cold today either like I’ve been getting lately.

I had some anxiety at the end of my day yesterday but not as much as the day before. Had more today, though. I’m at the critical point now where if this medication is going to backfire on me, it should happen within the next few doses or so and I’m afraid that’s what it’s going to do. I’m not sure what would be worse…the shit backfiring on me enough to have to stop it, or for the side effects to go away but not the anxiety.

Read some more of my 2015 journal. When I took Prozac, I mentioned getting facial tingling then as well along with a horrible sore throat. I forgot about that! Please tell me a sore throat isn’t next! I totally feel like something wants me to be anxious and doesn’t want me to figure out how to treat it.

Messaged Doc A and asked about the tingling. I don’t know if it’s something I should be concerned about or that will go away on its own.

Agitation is another common side effect Tom read about and I’m definitely agitated at the moment. Stopping alcohol can also do this and I realize that when I do start drinking again, I shouldn’t drink every day but more like once or twice a week. Either way, I still have serious doubts about this medication helping me. Ugh, I just wish this shit would stop so I can focus on the move!

We measured a section in the living room that’s approximately the size of one of the two moving pods we’re getting and are stacking totes to get a sense of the best way to pack them and how much they will hold.

Got my sleep mask the other day and it’s definitely not something I’m going to use every time I sleep. It’s too bulky and can be a little uncomfortable in certain positions. It will be great for hotels, though, and things like that to help drown out his snoring. I paired it with Alexa.

Tom has been sick these last few days and we’re not sure why. He’s had the runs and lung tightness as I mentioned yesterday. His lungs are better but his stomach is still a little funky. He envies that I’ve been stuck.

Been exchanging messages and funny memes with Andy but I don’t want to go back and forth 50 million times a day like we used to, so I’m waiting until he crashes. Or until I at least think he has. The guy never sleeps. He crashes late and he gets up early.

So he is still in the same condo he got from his mother and the Asian couple is still in the condo next door that used to be his mother’s. He said that ever since the son moved out and went to college, it’s been quiet over there and considers it his forever home.

I was thrilled for him when he told me that he’s been so much happier since he quit the pot and never thought he’d be so happy this late in life, but he is indeed very happy.

I envy him! Really hope I’m compensated one day in the emotional department as we were in the financial department after years and years of struggling. I really believed we would be dirt poor all our lives yet I was wrong so I’m hoping I’m wrong about thinking the anxiety is untreatable and won’t ever go away on its own. Tom says with confidence that he’s sure it will go away and he just knows it will and all that, especially once we get rid of the unknown and we know where we’re going to be and all that. Plus, my hormones are going to continue to change over the next year or two.

If there’s one thing I miss about my childhood it’s being able to automatically believe whatever I’m told. Now the best I can do is just hope to hell he’s right!

I don’t know why but Facebook no longer allows you to block people that have blocked you. It’s a good thing I learned that when I unblocked Maliheh to see if she unblocked me (she didn’t as I figured) so that I know not to unblock Lisa to see if she’s unblocked me since I couldn’t reblock her.

Watching a movie about the Menendez brothers on LMC. If the father really molested the boys and the mother looked the other way, then the parents got what they deserved.

Also, the upcoming trial of the pig that suffocated the black thug is a joke. I mean let me guess...pig gets off scot-free and then a riot breaks out, right? How many innocent people will have to lose their lives over this one?

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 10, 2021

At the end of my day yesterday, his stomach and my anxiety suddenly improved. I was so relieved to be feeling better that I went from wishing I could go to sleep and never wake up to not wanting to go to bed so I could enjoy feeling better which is becoming a rare occurrence these days, unfortunately.

When I did fall asleep, fucking traffic woke me up just three hours later and I had trouble falling back asleep. When I finally did over an hour later, I slept for a couple more hours and then a ferociously loud boom of thunder woke me up. Like the kind you’d hear in Arizona. A very rare occurrence here. Yet it rained and thundered like a monsoon storm. Lost power for a second as well.

So after five hours of sleep, I’ve been tired. I lay in the dark with my eyes closed for a while and that seemed to help energize me enough to do some cooking for him, take a shower, return messages, and even do the Epley Maneuver. I’ll get into that in a minute.

Haven’t heard back from Doc A yet but I’ve decided to skip what would have been my 5th dose because I just don’t thank the face and lip-tingling were good. I can see constipation, dry mouth, and a little bit of insomnia as being normal and acceptable side effects but not the tingling I was having. Damn, do I miss the days when I could take medications with little more than just some jitteriness or insomnia! Now I get all kinds of horrible side effects.

Anyway, I finally decided to do some research and found that Bupropion is really Wellbutrin. I forget that they have their brand names. Like how Levothyroxine is Synthroid, and Lorazepam is Ativan. When I found out what it was, I immediately remembered Marie and how she told me she had to pull back and recharge for a while because the stuff made her very angry and she cried a lot. She also said something about a DNA test that showed she shouldn’t be given that, whatever that meant. Not going to contact her even if she unblocks me because I’ve definitely learned my lesson as far as people go that I thought changed due to wishful thinking or that insist they’re “not like that” anymore.

I didn’t mind being stuck for those two days I was stuck, and I loved how it lessened my appetite and started to knock some weight off of me but it’s definitely not worth the tingling, especially since I don’t know if it could get worse and become dangerous at any point or not.

I also began to have doubts as to whether or not it would really help me after the two weeks were up because yesterday I was pretty agitated and even more anxious. Agitation is listed as another side effect, though.

Other than frustrating memory issues which I worry are just as frustrating for others as they are for me, I’m feeling better today. So far. I wouldn’t be surprised if by midnight I was feeling like shit again.

It’s a long shot but I may be onto something else. Well, I’ve had BPPV for a while now when I move my head in certain directions. That thing where your ear crystals get out of place and cause a few seconds of vertigo when your head is in certain positions. So I Googled to see if there could be a connection to anxiety and it seems that yes, there could be. So following a video on YouTube, I went through the Epley Maneuver that I did a while back which worked for me, and it’s already fixed my vertigo. They recommend doing it twice a day until you’ve gone three consecutive days without vertigo. So I’ll do it again at the end of my day. It will be interesting to see if my anxiety happens to back off at the same time. However, I really do still feel pretty hopeless in general and like this is an untreatable life sentence. I don’t know if there’s something up there that hates me enough not to want anything to help me or if it’s just random chance but that’s just how I feel. I feel like I’m going to have to either learn to live with it and enjoy the good moments or kill myself, and if I opt for the latter, I definitely don’t want to do that until I’ve had a chance to enjoy Florida for a while.

I don’t remember exactly what it was about but when traffic woke me up, it seems like I was having a negative dream that may have been connected to medication. That’s no surprise, though. Then I had some dream about a cab driver stalking me.

I reached for the sleep mask after being woken up, but it said it was pairing. I fucking hate it when things come unpaired!

Doc A just replied saying to please give it some more time for the symptoms to go away, maybe 1 or 2 weeks.

Okay, tomorrow I guess I’ll proceed with dose #5 and lose more weight while hoping for the best! At least it’s out of my system in 24 hours and not months.

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