Subtropical Lady

Where Pelicans Fly
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2021-02-21 23:02:26 (UTC)

February 2021 (3)


Writing more on PB again but disabling comments. This way I don’t have to be overwhelmed with suggestions as far as what to do about my anxiety or anyone trying to argue me out of my own perspective on things. But then I also get to enjoy the flow of visitors which I miss seeing on my tracking report.

At the end of my day yesterday I was so damn cold that I ended up taking my medication a couple of hours after I ate for the last time. I took my temperature and it was 96.8. Took it when I got up and it said I was 97.0, so I’m warming up a bit. Makes me wonder if I would literally freeze to death if I went over a week without taking this med.

I’m virtually positive that the statins didn’t have a hand in this round of anxiety but I’m still yes and no on the other stuff. I just don’t know what to think anymore. It makes sense that it would have a hand in it but then it doesn’t because of how erratic it is. And why always during the second part of my day? That isn’t a hard rule but it seems to be more common than not. I have been slightly on edge since being up and I wonder if it’s because I’m worried I’ll end up really anxious later because I took my med or because of the med itself. Whether or not I take it when I get up depends on how the rest of the day goes.

Realizing this isn’t going away on its own or at least not anytime soon, I finally messaged Doc A again and asked if she could recommend something OTC.

We went through the kitchen junk drawers and talked about how we could get out of here sooner if we started off in a “tooth park” with dumpier homes set close together which I hate, but noise is not only something I’m used to but the least of my concerns right now. Really, I wouldn’t know a quiet place if you put me in one. I went out before midnight to dump the recyclables and it was roaring out there between the freeway and a helicopter. No, I don’t like it but that’s all I pretty much know. And I know that it’s like this pretty much everywhere that doesn’t snow or get overly cold. It’s just the way today’s world is. I’m not going to go freeze my ass off somewhere just because people can’t shut up. But if we take a cheaper place, quiet or not, we could get out of here faster because we wouldn’t need to get as much for this place.

Having trouble picking up the drills for the mandala painting I’m doing now, so I’m applying them with tweezers. A painting with a girl’s face on it will be delivered tomorrow. It will be interesting to see how a person looks. This one isn’t bright and colorful like the other ones I’ve done. She has light eyes, black hair, red flowers in her hair, a red snake wrapped around her arm, and a dark background.

Last night I dreamed we moved although I’m not sure where it was. We decided we would let his family know where we were and ended up at some kind of event being hosted at David and Evie’s house. There were dozens of people when we got there, and Tom and I walked into one room in particular. Then Evie entered the room. She looked different and was actually quite slim, but I knew who she was right away. She had short curly hair dyed light brown. In real life, she was fat and had straight red hair.

I said hello and she ignored me, holding a serious expression on her face as she strode across the room with purpose in her stride. I said hello again, and again she ignored me. Feigning confusion, I asked if everything was okay. She finally said something about having to take care of something at the moment, but I knew deep down she resented us no doubt due to what other family members had said and because of our long absence.

Tom and I ended up separated and I was sitting at a round table with about half a dozen other people. I realized the pale pink spaghetti strap top I had on was too big and sagging in front. Then I was pissed at myself for not wearing a bra and a bit embarrassed to think of that and how I was wearing the same exact top the last time, not that anyone should have remembered that far back.

Deciding not to care about my shirt and lack of bra, I rose from my seat and wandered into a larger room in which about half a dozen people were playing different instruments. I scanned the room looking for Tom and found him on the other side of it.

When I approached him, I said that we weren’t going to be leaving for three or four more hours and I was afraid I would end up really tired since I’d been up since very early that morning. But then I reminded myself that people do party after getting up early.

Then I was sitting at a long table by myself eating the plate of food sitting before me (did someone bring it to me or did it just magically appear?) as the band played on. I was glad there were extra forks so I didn’t have to hunt for one but then I noticed there were trays of silverware set up nearby.


So we did keep the guinea pig papers after all. It turns out that Tom had them stashed somewhere in his closet. They say that Petco will gladly take back any pet that’s in good health regardless of age and find them good homes. I remember them saying this; I just didn’t think I kept the papers. So glad he had them!

So it will be a sad day but it’s still good news because we would rather not give them to a shelter that may end up killing them. This way we know that whoever gets them truly wants them and will almost certainly take good care of them as opposed to someone they’re forced on. I don’t know if Petco is going to charge a fee for them, but a shelter would have for sure, along with cavy rescue groups.

I filled the kitchen sink with an inch or two of lukewarm soapy water and put Rockefeller in it to give him a butt bath. It turns out it wasn’t just that he was dirty, but he also had some unusually long hairs that were knotted so I snipped them off. a little unusual for an American guinea pig. I also did his nails but strangely enough, Blitz doesn’t need his nails trimmed so I’m guessing he bites them off. Rockefeller didn’t mind the bath. A little nervous squealing as I carried him over to the sink but then he did his happy talk when I dried him off. It’s when I trimmed his nails that he got squirmy.

Did some more organizing, sorting, and packing. We decided we’re going to go with two U-Haul pods because we don’t want to play the game of Cram It and hope to hell everything fits. It’s one thing to run out of space for things you don’t really need or want but it’s another when it comes to things you do. Our stuff will be stored here in Citrus Heights and then once we know exactly where we’re going to be settling, we’ll have it shipped to us there.

We decided we would book a couple of months at a vacation rental although we don’t yet know exactly where. That way we can go straight there and then we’ll have two months to find a place. We may have to spend a few nights in a motel here in between closing and all that. The rental will likely be a manufactured home in an adult community. They’re cheaper during the summer because the snowbirds aren’t there at that time.

Yesterday was one of the best days I’ve had since this bad anxiety spell began over 3 weeks ago. I did read an encouraging article when searching for reports of how often anxiety dissipates when entering the postmenopausal phase as I’m hopefully about to do. Not only is that the second most common symptom next to hot flashes, but I found it interesting when one person talked about “morning” anxiety and how it would come out of nowhere even when their lives were going well, and they had no reason to be anxious. Sure, I’m nervous about the move and a bit overwhelmed because I know many things could go wrong but I still shouldn’t be feeling the way I’ve been feeling just because we’re moving. I’ve moved before and I know Tom will say that I get this way every time we have a big event coming up but the feelings are just manifesting themselves differently this time, and maybe part of that is true, but I’m definitely more excited than anything else. I still say the anxiety is connected to something physiological and I’m not so sure how much of it is on the medication at this point. I just really hope to hell this isn’t a life sentence, whatever it is!

It was pretty interesting how one person mentioned it coming on at the same time even though I don’t know if they had my exact same symptoms. That could explain why mine has been toward the end of my day. I was barely borderline for about 90 minutes toward the end of my day yesterday. It was still a good day overall and I took my meds when I got up. Just not sure when and if I want to restart the statins.

Anyway, they say that yes, anxiety can go away after menopause but if you had anxiety during menopause, you may really have to take better care of your nervous system afterward. They recommend things like magnesium and Vitamin D. Magnesium didn’t help me much and I don’t know if Vitamin D is going to make much difference either, but we’ll see. I should hear from my doctor at some point today, too.

I had many detailed dreams but unfortunately, I don’t remember all of them, particularly ones that pertained to moving. Instead, I was about to turn 48 and was single and living in my own apartment somewhere. Every time I would return from going out somewhere, some guy would call me. At first I wrote it off as a prank, assuming it was some lonely, bored jackass that lived nearby and could see when I would come and go. But then I realized he knew my name and would call no matter what door I entered. This was when it hit me that if he was someone that lived nearby, he couldn’t see both front and back doors from one place any more than someone within the building could.

So on his next call, I was a little bit pissed and a whole lot curious and demanded that he show himself and come to my door. His reply was some senseless thing about having to protect those he loved.

I don’t know if this was part of the same dream or not, but in another scene, the apartment had a mural along the living room wall with a few people’s faces. I wrote some less-than-kind comments about them but I’m not sure what they were. I definitely felt guilty enough about it to call the management office and told them I just noticed the writing.

“I thought you wrote this,” one of the guys said that used this long stick-like thing to remove the writing, but I lied and denied having anything to do with it.

In order to use the cleaning thing, they had to use a special plug my keyboard was plugged into. After they left, I accidentally discovered that they plugged in their own keyboard instead of mine and had taken mine with them. Out of curiosity, I used some of the hotkeys in a document to see what information may come up. One of the things was a random string of letters and numbers that could have been a password for something.

So I went to call the office to tell them about the accidental switch when I realized I couldn’t call them because their number was programmed into my keyboard and apparently, I had no other way to retrieve it.


Something up there is either bound and determined to tease me or I am finally onto something when it comes to killing my anxiety. I’ve tried magnesium in the past but I’m pretty sure I only took one capsule. Remembering that there was still some in the house that Tom takes when he gets leg cramps, I found they don’t expire until June. So this time I took two when I felt a little on edge. For the rest of the day onward, I felt great! Coincidence? I guess I’ll find out when I get anxious again, but yeah, it could be. Many things seem to work at first and then they don’t.

I was reading that women entering the phase I’m entering notice skin wrinkling. I’ve definitely been noticing it in my hands! That’s the least of my concerns, though. I just want to kill my anxiety for good for once and for all or at least be able to go a lot longer between spells.

I’ve had mild pain in my left knee and a strange ache in the very lower left side of my stomach but the stomach seems to have passed. I think they’re both just pulled muscles. Yoga isn’t easy on a fatty.

We finished sorting the three large junk drawers in the kitchen and only have stuff in one of the drawers that we may or may not take with us. Later this morning, he’s going to pull up the rest of the tiles in the laundry room plus call Petco.

If my eyes can sting with such happy tears as we slowly take apart this place and pack things up bit by bit, I can imagine how emotional I’ll be when we finally get out of here! I’ve done more suffering in this place than in all the places I’ve lived in before combined. We had great money but it seems like the highlights of this place for us were him working his ass off and my suffering. Really, all he did was work while I suffered and had more appointments than ever.

Carolyn doesn’t know where Virginia is, she told me after I asked her.

The diamond painting with the dark-haired girl arrived today but I’m not quite done with the mandalas yet. Should finish that today or tomorrow. Meanwhile, it worked out well because the girl is larger and I’m straightening out the folds in the canvas by placing some heavy books on top of it.

I’ll definitely be stocked up on diamond paintings for a while because the girl is going to take close to a month to do and then I also got one of those small 6x6 paintings that comes with a white frame. This one has a pair of owls and even though I’m still not big on owls, I do love the colors and the transparent diamonds.


Silence really does speak a thousand words. I asked Aly if there was anything else going on, not that I was trying to pry and not that she had to tell me anything she didn’t want to, and she said nothing other than that her latest blood test revealed too much bile in her liver which was causing acid reflux. I’ve been sensing something else is amiss but if there is, she isn’t sharing it. At least not with me.

His back has been horrible. He thought it was the air mattress but it turns out that’s not it. He has an appointment on May 24th and will bump it up if he has to. It sucks to see him in such pain regardless, but even more so when we still have a lot of prep work to do.

Yesterday we noticed Bob & Virginia’s SUV parked in the carport. We’re pretty sure they gave it to one of their kids. Well, I met another one of their sons yesterday as he was heading into the garage. I started to seriously doubt she was on vacation or staying with someone and that something was up when I thought to myself, she’s supposedly back but is leaving the garage light on that she almost never leaves on? That’s when I learned that she fell and broke her hip. A very common occurrence with older people. She had surgery and now she’s in rehab and will be home in a couple of weeks. I let Mrs. Twenties know.

I don’t know for sure if the magnesium is helping. It’s too soon to really say for sure. I’ve never taken it when the anxiety has been bad, and that would be the real test. I only took it when I was borderline anxious and it could have been a coincidence that I felt better afterward in that it might have fizzled out anyway. Doc A thinks it’s just stress over the upcoming changes in my life and wants to do a video appointment with me, so I’ll have to bring up the schedule program and set something up after we return from Petco.

Yes, we’re taking the pigs back to Petco later in the morning. I wonder if they’ll remember the place. Got mixed emotions about surrendering them. For the most part, I’ll be glad to be rid of them. For some reason, having pigs this time around just wasn’t what I remembered it to be. I felt like it was more work, hassle, money, mess, and smell than anything else. I’ll miss Rockefeller’s chatter, though.

So glad we’re having more temps in the 70s even if it will be anything but peaceful. They started cutting a tree in back of next door as I began unwinding with my audiobook but fortunately, it didn’t last long. Sometimes I just get so damn cold. My temperature drops about a degree when this happens. I’ve seen it as low as 96.6. I’m usually 97.

2.5 million have died from the virus that we know of. Really hope we’re getting closer to a successful vaccination with no side effects and that actually works. I’ll ask Doc A about that when I chat with her.


“Remember, there’s positive to negative,” Tom assured me, pointing out the positives when we discussed the very real possibility of not getting out of here as soon as we’d like.

Yesterday went from being a sad day to a frustrating and worrisome day. I have a feeling the guinea pigs aren’t getting out of here anytime soon and neither are we. Petco wouldn’t take them, saying they had fungus on their butts, something we were totally unaware of. I think the guy got the wrong idea when he saw I’d snipped some tangled fur on Rockefeller’s butt when I was giving him a bath, and the dumb cock automatically assumed he had skin issues. They’ve never appeared to be unhealthy. Blitz gets a touch of scurvy every now and then but that’s it. So dumb cock gives us addresses and numbers to a couple of shelters in Sacramento and I call just to get the automated-message runaround.

Then there’s the contradicting info. Petco said never to give them baths. Online it recommends weekly baths.

I’m afraid that not being able to get rid of the pigs yesterday was just the start of many delays to come. I swear it’s like the more I want to get out of a place, the longer I’m stuck in it! But I learned a long time ago that you just can’t fight fate, so if this is where I’m truly meant to be, there won’t be much I can do about it. Yet he assures me that if anything delays the move, we can get the sleep pod, remodel this place, get a lot more money for it, and therefore have many more options as to where we could go. Yeah, but I’m not going to spend year after year struggling to move either. That’s just fucking ridiculous. Life is about settling anyway so it’s not like we could just go anywhere we want. If we’re going to have that much trouble getting out of here we may as well just accept it and make the absolute best of this place as we possibly can and keep in mind that there are millions out there who would love to live here, noisy or not. He thinks things may be delayed by only about a month or less. I don’t know if we should bother at times, though. Yes, California is expensive but it’s one of the few states that help supplement people, especially when they’re older, even if you’re white and you’re from here. Not bad for a country whose growing increasingly uncaring of those who are white, Jewish, or gay.

I was excited by the thought of getting a dog in the future. I know some people prefer to keep them in crates overnight but I think thought as long as it was kept away from the bedroom when I was asleep, it would be fine roaming the rest of the house, but after all the frustration I’ve gone through with these fucking pigs I totally regret getting, I think I’m done with pets for good. I know it isn’t the pigs’ fault, but I’ve had enough of the hassles, the smells, and the expense they bring. Now they’re costing us even more money since we had to order more supplies for them.

He did fill out a form with the SPCA and they will try to get any unhealthy animals they can healthy enough for adoption. Only the animals that are really bad off get put down. However, thanks to covid, which I fear may be one of many things to hold back the move, there can be a 2-4-week delay in setting up an appointment to surrender them. You can’t just walk in whenever you want to surrender or adopt. Well, we were supposed to put the house on the market around the second week of March, so partly thanks to them, that’s not likely to happen.

I also emailed a couple of places but I don’t expect to hear back from them.

Why can’t we ever just do something? Why is it that we can’t decide to do a particular thing and then simply up and do it? Why do there always have to be problems, setbacks, and delays? Really makes me feel like giving up and just saying, “fuck it.” Let’s just keep the pigs for the rest of their lives and stay here for the rest of ours even though I hate the noise and the winter. Besides, we could have gone to a warmer place but not necessarily a quiet place. We’ve got good neighbors for now and have doctors I’m used to, are younger than me, and that I should be able to see for many years to come unless they move. So yeah, I don’t know if I want to move anymore. I mean I would have loved to live in a tropical climate and a place that was at least a little quieter and a lot cheaper but is it really worth all the hassle to get there just to find that it’s not all I hoped it to be?

As I said, I’m not going to fight tooth and nail to try to get out of here. But delays are a very real possibility. We can’t leave without being vaccinated either. Also, just like this is a hot spot for skunks, it’s also one for termites, and I don’t mean the kind disguised as humans that live in Florida. This place has had them before as have many places around here, and you can’t just spray them away. The house needs to be tented. So those are just two of many obstacles no doubt waiting to keep us trapped here.

So we may as well just plan to remodel the place for us. Also, I’ve been wanting a sleep pod for ages now. It’s definitely not as easy as it sounds to move. I know we’re not the only ones who have gone through this even though I feel like it at times. But yeah, I get that people can’t just up and move long distance unless they have a job lined up for them, have a lot of money, or they’re retired. Retired with sufficient funds, of course. Then there’s also the fact that manufactured homes don’t have the value of regular homes. But a new or upgraded manufactured home in Cali can be worth more than a standard home in a cheap state.

If we remain low income as we should be for most of this year, Cali will replace the windows for next to nothing. Plus, we’d be eligible for all kinds of rebates and discounts on other upgrades as well.

I do like how you have to have insurance in this state and that it has Death with Dignity. Yes, foreigners and non-whites will always come first and foremost here but the rest of us do still get some benefits, too.

*sighs* I don’t know what to do at this point but he wants to carry on with our plans even if there are some delays. Yeah, I guess that’s all we can do. He’s positive we won’t be stuck with the pigs forever and that someone will eventually take them. Then I just have to hope we get vaccinated by the end of March as they’re talking about now, and that there’s nothing wrong with the house when they do their inspection. Also, we can get a place that although not perfect, is at least somewhat preferable to this.

Made a video appointment for next week with Dr. A, although I may be onto something with the magnesium. I’m not sure yet and I still don’t want to jump the gun and get all excited but yesterday was the third time I felt on edge, took the magnesium, and felt better. So I have more coming with this morning’s Walmart delivery. Unfortunately, they’re orange-flavored, but I prefer gummies to pills. These are huge capsules that are hard to swallow but he has no problem with them and he can have the few that are left over in the bottle for when he gets leg cramps.

Am I having imaginary PMS today or is it just because I’m tired that I’m so hungry today? I’ve been up for about 8 hours, had about a thousand 1000 calories of food and I’m still hungry.

Slept shitty last night, waking up a million times along the way, so I’m tired today. Of course I had to have dreams of poverty and moving delays and all that.

What was weird was the dream I had through the eyes of a gay man who was eventually murdered by his lover and featured in a crime documentary. I didn’t see the actual murder but just his last moments. It was weird dreaming through the eyes of someone else. Pretty sure there’s a show about a woman who saw real-life murders in her dreams and assisted the police or something like that.

I only saw this part where the guy was arguing with his much tougher boyfriend. Then the weaker guy pulled some plant out of a large vase and transferred it to a small vase and said, “You can have everything else. Everything.”

Then the weaker guy was visiting some people (not sure if he snuck out of his house) who were discussing calling the police on some woman that they believed was intimately involved with her son. The other person argued against it because the son was over 18.

Then it was nighttime and the gay guy was back home and in bed. The room was pitch black and as he lay there on his side, he could just barely make out the bedroom door slowly being pushed open by his lover, and that’s when the dream ended and also where I assume he was soon killed. I believe it was by strangulation. Makes me wonder if it was just a dream or if I was really seeing the final moments of a murder victim. If so, was it in another dimension?


Margaret, the millionaire who sends me jokes regularly and funny memes, said she thought that by now the political shit would have died down but if anything it’s worse.

I don’t know if it’s worse but I’m definitely still waiting for the day the race talk to subside on just about every fucking site I go to. With a small exception, I think most non-whites have it great these days and sometimes I wonder if they realize just how good they have it in most places. They have more rights than whites, and not that we or anyone should want to have groups that exclude others, but if we had our white this or our white that, unlike them, we would automatically be called racists. Is that really fair? But they can still have their Inspiring Black Women section on the LMC and it’s perfectly okay, even though I personally find it offensive and insulting to whites, and come on, Whitney Houston? Pick a better “inspiration” than someone who OD’d themselves to death, and set a better example regardless of race or color!

That rant expressed and purged, yesterday was the first day I didn’t feel the slightest trace of anxiety. I didn’t even feel it bubbling up close to the surface so I didn’t take any magnesium. I’ll ask Doc A if I should take it every day regardless or only when I feel anxiety coming on.

We framed my mandala diamond painting earlier and now I’m doing a small one that comes with its own frame. Then I’ll do the dark-haired girl which will be the biggest one I’ve done.

Gave the pigs a bath earlier with the special shampoo and they sure as hell are easier to bathe than rats! Bathing rats is a nightmare because they always put up such a fight. The pigs didn’t mind at all. We still don’t think they really have any kind of fungus on their butts, but worst-case scenario, they’re here an extra few weeks and someone else will rehome them other than Petco.

We’re going to have an Express order delivered sometime today. Walmart gives you one free Express delivery a month.

Gotta change the filter in the bedroom air cleaner and go out for a walk later on and that’s pretty much it other than the usual.


This is the kind of shit that REALLY pisses me off… Cali’s to spend 28M on immigrants. So many right here could use this money! Really, who spends that much money on my husband and I or others who have lived here and contributed to society all their lives that could really use some help? Now the overcrowding is going to get worse, the demand for doctors will increase, and the crime rate will go up as well. So glad to get out of this fucking state soon because while it may have a lot of good in it, this is where most foreigners, legal and not, go besides TX and AZ. Shouldn’t be as much of a problem in FL, though. Maybe that’s why it’s cheaper there. Argh, though! Just so tired of having to babysit outsiders when they can’t get along in their own damn countries!

Getting the biggest stimulus check yet and while that may be nice, it’s nothing compared to what the American people should have been getting all along. The rich truly have no concept of what it’s like for everyone else. So many people think that just because they can do or afford something, everyone else can too.

So Biden’s great so far…except for thinking we’re responsible for the rest of the world besides ourselves. It’s a shame we get less than 2K while immigrants get 28M. That’s just all wrong and backward to me.

Starting to wonder if I’m ever going to hear from Andy again. Maybe he changed his mind and felt it was best that we don’t communicate at all but if he did, he did. I’ll accept whatever he feels he needs to do. I thought of messaging him again because we haven’t talked since the 15th, but I think I’ll wait a little longer since it’s his turn.

Just hit some milestones. A couple of days ago marked one year since Tom has worked and he doesn’t miss it at all. He worked long and hard for many decades, so he’s entitled to a break! Still think he’ll probably work again at some point but hopefully only part-time for extras like going on cruises.

Tomorrow will be one year since my last period started. I really, really hope I’m not surprised with another one 3 months from now like last time!

Yesterday he got a text message saying they were giving covid shots at the clubhouse on the 6th but when I called the office and asked, they confirmed it was only for those 65 and up.

Planes of all kinds are getting more annoying around here than ever. I can hear the commercial planes all day but they’re worst in the early mornings. I have the air cleaner on high and nature sounds blasting right by my ear yet I can still hear them rumbling overhead. Then all day long and into the night it’s nothing but small planes and helicopters galore in addition. It’s horrible here and I really worry that the virus and other things are going to delay the move.

Seriously, though…I go out for a walk, there’s a plane going overhead. I step out to dump the trash, there’s a plane going overhead. I go out to take in a package, there’s a plane going overhead. It’s ridiculous here!

Speaking of air cleaners, we cleaned the smaller ones in the bedrooms and damn were they filthy! We replaced them with filters that last a year.

The magnesium experiment is still inconclusive although I guess it’s a little hopeful at the same time. For a few hours yesterday, I began to feel a bit restless and my heart was racing a bit. I was getting slightly on edge when I took the magnesium. At first it didn’t seem to help with them I felt better so I’m still not sure what to think.

Even though I don’t remember what it was about, Doc A showed up in my dreams last night and it made me think of how Andy mentioned thought vibration and the way we were dreaming of each other at the same time. Could she have been checking to see who was scheduled for next week which made her think of me when she saw my name, and then caused her to transfer to my dreams?

The fucking termites showed up as well. Something about me accidentally downloading some shit they sent me a long time ago that I hoped they wouldn’t somehow know was now downloaded and that I only just discovered. Mostly pictures of the girls that Tammy sent, saying that they didn’t want anything to do with me, blah, blah, blah…


Delay #1 is going to be that my schedule is all wrong for contacting the realtor the second week of March, pigs gone yet or not. :(

The only dream I remember from last night was living alone in an apartment somewhere. It was on the second floor of at least 4. It was a simple square layout with the kitchen and bathroom on one side and living room and bedroom on the other.

It was a predominantly black neighborhood, and a riot broke out. I guess one of their thugs was killed. They were going around killing anything white and I was scared.

Some famous black woman was flown in to calm them down. She was someone they respected and listened to, but I was still huddled in my apartment terrified that they were going to break into the building, storm all the apartments, and kill me along with any other white resident.