Subtropical Lady

February 2021 (1)

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 2, 2021

Yesterday went from good to bad to good. I’ve only been up a little over four hours and so far, so good today but I don’t know what I could be in for a few hours from now. I just don’t understand why I’m having such an anxious spell lately! Many reports I’ve read suggest this won’t last into old age along with the fact that this is the most common age group for anxiety as the hormones and brain chemistry change. Kim says she’s been getting it for the last year which would put her around 50. Mine started at 48. I try to tell myself that nothing lasts forever and I think of the things I had to deal with for years that eventually fizzled out but knowing there are no guarantees makes it hard. Maybe this really is the older side of me. The new me since 2014 that will be a part of my life for as long as I live. That could mean suffering on and off for as much as 30 years by the time I die. Logically it doesn’t seem likely but I just don’t want to get my hopes up either.

I took my levothyroxine today but yesterday I skipped the statin just in case there’s something about this brand that triggered it. I’ll take it towards the end of the day and see how I do. The only thing that doesn’t make sense about it being the statin is why it would wait until a few hours or more into the next day to get me. I’m still guessing the original poison just built up a bit too much in my system. Or maybe it was an age thing. I guess I’ll never know for sure. They also say that just having low thyroid can make you anxious but it had to have been low for years before I was diagnosed yet I didn’t have this then. So the best thing it could be would be related to going into menopause because eventually, things will change. The worst thing is the medication because I’m always going to need it. That much will never change.

Tom went to Rite Aid yesterday to pick up his blood pressure medicine and might have been around a “carnivore.” He didn’t get within six feet of them but he heard them ask if they did COVID-19 testing there. Well, why would you ask that if you didn’t think you had the virus? He washed his hands immediately after he got home. I never had a feeling about us getting it and getting seriously ill much less killed by it.

I had a series of dreams last night but I don’t remember enough about them other than to say we were flying somewhere in one of them. I don’t know where we were going. So that’s flying dream number two that I know of even though it’s too soon to say that we will fly for sure or that we won’t.

Due to where my schedule is at, we decided the second week of March is going to be when we reach out to a realtor. At the end of this month, we will rehome the pigs. I was a little annoyed with Tom because we were supposed to do that now but he’s really fallen in love with them and wants to keep them for a couple more weeks. A part of me will miss them as well but for the most part, they’re just smelly eating machines that are a lot of work and money. I’m going to feel worse for Tom than for myself.

His back is still horrible but slowly improving. He did some paint touch-ups in the kitchen while I slept and it looks great. He says we still have plenty of yellow paint and it’s still in good condition.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 3, 2021

I fucking hate February. Because hey, we don’t have to listen to the same old shit enough of the time as it is during the rest of the year, right? At least it’s the shortest month.

Ooh, this is interesting. Remembering that Andy was never very bright, I unblocked him to see if he’d unblocked me at some point over the last few years, knowing that he wouldn’t be smart enough to know there’s a way to block those that have blocked you. At least last I knew there was, but things often change on Facebook so I don’t know if this can still be done. Anyway, I found that he had indeed unblocked me but likely figured I deactivated my account. The question is why did he unblock me? Was he simply curious, intending to reblock me after he checked to see what he could see? Or did he plan to reach out to me?

I’m going to leave him unblocked for now. Part of me wants to reach out to him, but as much as I miss him and will always love him and consider him like family and cherish many funny memories, he is who he is and no one can change him. If he was still as judgmental, paranoid, and accusatory as he was in his fifties, then I think it’s safe to say that’s how he’s always going to be.

We do have a mutual friend, so we’ll see if he notices any of my comments on Norma’s posts and then reaches out to me. Besides, it was me who reached out to him in Auburn, so we’ll see if he makes the first move this time around if there is a this time around. As I said, I can tell him what irritates me but I can’t make him get it and I can’t make him change either. That would be like someone trying to convince me abortion is really murder and to get me to change my mind where that’s concerned. Not going to happen.

Ended up feeling slightly anxious for a few hours yesterday. Skipped the levothyroxine today but took my statin yesterday. So far so good but it’s early in my day so trouble could be ahead for me in a few hours. Right now I’m guessing the statin isn’t connected. It’s likely just a buildup of thyroid meds and wacky hormones.

Maybe part of the reason I don’t get breast exams is that I just don’t want to do all I can to live another 20-30 years. I mean to do what? The same old things? I know that may sound selfish, though, to allow myself to die and desert Tom. He may be a lot tougher than I am but I definitely wouldn’t want to leave him alone so if I’m destined to go first, I hope it isn’t it until it’s almost his time!

But if I knew I was going to suffer from anxiety on and off for the rest of my life, death would be oh-so-very appealing.

Stacey surprised me. Sent her a message telling her that we plan to put the house on the market and hopefully move to Florida soon. I wished her well and thanked her for her help (even if no one could ever help me permanently in the end) and she replied saying she’s safe, doing well, and wished me the best and all that.

He got a call for a job. It would be a really bad time to work and may bring us less money than with him not working, but there’s still a slight fear of the government coming after the money because he retired. Anyway, it’s an inventory job in which he said he wouldn’t accept less than $20 an hour. He’ll call them back and hopefully not sound very interesting to them.

I just want to get the fuck out of here!

Later...

When I glanced at Andy’s current profile picture, I first thought it was in Connecticut. But then I noticed the address in the upper right corner. I ran it on Google Maps and found it’s in Cleveland, Ohio.

Ohio? What the hell would he be doing there? He never mentioned anyone in Ohio. He’s listed as still being single, so I doubt he met a guy that he followed there.

Against my better judgment (yeah, I’m stupid and too forgiving), I messaged him. But don’t worry. Don’t even think for a millisecond that I would ever take the termites back because I wouldn’t under any circumstances. Andy’s worst crime is saying mean and hurtful things, not turning my life upside down and inside out like the termite has. There’s no comparison. I would never in a million years forgive and allow the termites back into my life. So no worries there. Besides, it doesn’t mean he’s going to respond. For all I know he’ll turn around and re-block me but if he does, he does. He’s still what many would describe as toxic to a degree. He was very judgmental and just not very and empathetic and respectful in a lot of ways. He could be kind of selfish too, but we’ll just see what happens.

Later...

When it hit me that Andy must have simply been curious or else he would have emailed me if he wanted to talk to me, I sent him a second message saying that I would go ahead and block Facebook messages since I realized that if he wanted to talk to me, he would have reached out to me. Besides, we became so different over time and well, he is who he is while I am who I am and I really should respect his wishes. I wished him the best and assured him I would never forget him.

There is a slight chance that he lost my email address and he wouldn’t have the sophistication to hunt that information down. He’s never been the stalker-ish type so there’s no way he would do a paid search for info.

I do have a few Ohio visitors but I’m pretty sure I know who they are and I can’t believe he would still have my Prosebox link. He could have bookmarked it but somehow I doubt he did much less join the site just so he could read me. He would have commented by now if he did.

I loved that he was loyal and honest but he was overly judgmental and insensitive in many ways not to mention pushy at times and not very empathetic. What he would claim as his opinion was often him actually being incorrect. And there was the opposite-doing that got to me. It was like the more I would ask him not to do a particular thing like gross me out with pictures showing me how big of a dump he last took, he would do it more. What kind of a friend does that? Shouldn’t a friend want to do more of what their friend wants within reason? Obviously, I wouldn’t expect him to stand on his head all day but come on. Did he really ever think I would be interested in the size of his dumps?

His being judgmental and insisting I was bullshitting him about this and that, particularly my sleep disorder, was the most frustrating and hurtful but his blatant lack of empathy could be as well. It’s like he was both empathetic and not. He feels horrible for the way blacks were slaves in the past and for those homeless in the cold, yet when Robin Williams goes and kills himself he’s just a spoiled selfish person who “threw it all away?” And when his best friend is sick for a little too long, that’s a problem too?

This is the kind of shit I just don’t need in my life. If you can’t take me at face value when I’ve never given you a reason to doubt me in the past and you run out of patience with how long I’m suffering, that tells me something about you.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 2021

There’s nothing like waking up knowing that your day is going to suck at some point. Really, this anxiety is eating me up and sucking the life right out of me. I don’t understand why I still have these spells. Tom believes it’s a combination of things. I don’t know what to think anymore. It’s like nothing and everything makes sense.

We found a government site that lists the ingredients of medications. You can also report adverse effects there and they’ll actually investigate.

We found out that this brand of simvastatin was made by Lupin Pharmaceuticals. So that rules out Mylan and Lannett as being the maker.

What we wanted to do was compare ingredients in Sandoz levothyroxine versus ingredients in other brands, including the simvastatin I’m taking now. It appears that Sandoz may have bought out Lannett. We did find one ingredient in Mylan that isn’t in Sandoz. This ingredient is also in this brand of simvastatin. But the thing is that it also appears to have been in the last brand of statins I took that I had no problem with, and again, if either medication was responsible for my anxiety then why is it waiting mostly towards the middle of my day to get me and then back off the last few hours of my day? Sometimes I’m anxious early or late in my day but it’s usually centered around the middle of my day.

I cried for a few minutes yesterday, missing the old me but not my old life. I just wish I could go back to the days when my worst problem was noise or wanting something I couldn’t have.

I’d love to think it’s mostly about living here and that I’ll escape it when we move but I know that it’s just going to follow me no matter where we go. Besides, if it was connected to this house in any way or the area, why wait a year to get me?

I definitely got both problems yesterday morning because the planes were louder than usual. Even with the air cleaner running on high and sounds playing on my computer, I could still hear the rumbling. I don’t know if it has to do with the direction of the wind or what but it’s fucking ridiculous. I don’t ever expect to have a peaceful place to live but I know we can do better than this.

As I told Tom, yes, I’m nervous as well as excited about the move and all that but this never would have caused anxiety and affected me in this way in the past, and he pointed out that I wasn’t the same age when we moved before. He thinks most of it is still on my hormones and that they’re still changing but it still seems a little late in the game for that. I’m 50 fucking 5 for God’s sake!

Had more time to reflect on the Andy situation and I asked Tom his opinion. As always, he told me I had to do what I felt was best. But what would you do, I asked him. He said he would remain silent and that’s exactly what I was leaning toward. I think it’s better to miss the good times rather than invite more shit back into my life.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 5, 2021

Sometimes I wish we’d committed suicide in the Sacramento motel or in Auburn during the recession. Had I known what lie ahead, that may have been a real game-changer for me. At first I was happy we survived so I could learn more languages and meet some interesting people online as I have but was it really worth all the other shit awaiting me in the end? Sometimes I’m not so sure about that.

Yesterday sucked for about 4 or 5 hours. Tom reminded me to use my happy light, as we call it, and not just for a few minutes. It’s on ‘high’ right now and sitting on the desk.

So I decided to message Doc A and she was obviously on the portal at the time because she replied just minutes later. I describe my symptoms to her and let her know that I wasn’t having panic attacks but an anxious feeling in the center of my chest and wanted to know if changing hormones could still be a factor. She said it could be a combination of both anxiety and hormones still changing and to call them if the symptoms persist to set up an office or video appointment.

Yeah, because she’s really helped me before? It’ll be 7 years this summer. I’m starting to feel really doomed in that I don’t think this will ever go away. I just think it will be better sometimes than other times. Right now is certainly not one of those times. Last year I was anxious for somewhere between 30 and 40 days total. Yet we’re barely into February and I’ve already had 10 anxious days. Not exactly feeling very hopeful. In fact, I feel quite hopeless.

Instinctively, I’m trying to think of everything I can to help myself. I searched Amazon for some things and Tom reminded me not to worry about money and just get whatever I want. I’ve never been able to understand how an object could possibly make you feel better but healing stones and crystals seem to be a big thing, so I decided to try one. I got a rose quartz necklace that’s supposed to ease anxiety. It’s a pleasant shade of light pink.

One of the bracelets I saw looks remarkably like the one I made. I guess lava beads, being dry as they are, are good for placing a drop of oil onto. But why not just drop it on you?

Many believe that praying to God works but if there’s anything up there, it isn’t listening to me. So maybe crystals really do work for most people but won’t for me. I’ll find out later today.

I also got another blend of calming essential oil. I’ve heard good things about hemp oil but with me being afraid to try things orally, and not knowing how they may interact with my meds, I’m hesitant to try it. But some people say all they need is a couple of drops and gone is their anxiety. However, Walmart has this lotion infused with cannabis that I’m going to try. They even have one with melatonin in it. Never heard of drugs in lotions but I guess it kind of makes sense when you think about it because the skin does absorb things. I’ll just put a tiny bit on my hands when I get it with this morning’s delivery to make sure nothing bad happens. I still have my phobia when it comes to things like that, but desperate feelings call for desperate measures, and believe me, if I can ever find anything that helps, I’ll buy a lifetime supply of it! Hell, I would become a full-fledged alcoholic if I knew that would help. But just like with prescription anxiety medication, you can still feel some symptoms of anxiety even if you’ve had a drink.

I was going to skip the levothyroxine today but decided to take it. I just cut the waiting time in half. Depending on how I feel today, I may drop the statins for a week or so. I still can’t say for sure whether or not they could be contributing to this shit.

It definitely seems that whether it’s by design or not, I’m meant to suffer one long-term problem after another. It seems as soon as one ends, the next one begins within a year or two. I can’t stress enough how much this is the worst one so far! Maybe it’s one of those 7-year curses that will end this summer, but I doubt it even though the freeloaders seized control of my life for about that long. Seems like the total time I wanted a kid added up to about that long, too. Being broke is harder to calculate because it was more of an on-and-off thing than continuous.

I swear my bird clock must be possessed. It stopped tracking time and chirping, and every time I would remind myself to replace the batteries, I would forget. However, it started working on its own recently. Maybe something got stuck within the mechanisms?

Anyway, I got up a few hours ago and now I’m going to hit the shower and work out and brace myself for the inevitable storm to come later in my day. I don’t know, maybe it’s time to put suicide back on the table but not until after I’ve gotten the chance to live in Florida for a while. Really, I can’t play this fucking game for the rest of my life. There’s just no way I can do it.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 6, 2021

Yesterday was the best day I’ve had in over a week. Just very minimal traces of anxiety toward the end of my day. I hope I continue on an upward streak even though it won’t last more than a week or two. But if I must continue to suffer on and off from this, hopefully it will be just one or two days a month instead of over a week.

My rose quartz necklace came yesterday and even though I still don’t see how a rock can influence things, I’m willing to try almost anything once. Most people, or at least many people, say prayer helps them. It certainly has never helped me when it comes to anxiety. So hopefully it will be different with healing crystals. If this does help, I hope it continues to because some things only seem to help for so long, like tapping. Tapping still helps. Just not as much.

Anyway, the necklace isn’t gorgeous, but it is pretty. It’s so smooth to the touch. I don’t understand why the claw clasp is the most popular when it’s the hardest to use, though. Tom was kind enough to help me switch it to a toggle clasp. Much easier!

I can say this much for sure and that’s that if there is a God that’s knowingly or intentionally causing my anxiety or that at least has the power to help me but chooses not to, it’s a real shit. Just a real shit that I’ll never forgive. Ever. But could either one really be possible? I guess no one can ever know for sure but I sure as hell hope not! What kind of God would do that to a person? What kind of anything would?

I’ve gained back a pound since I ate more yesterday because I felt better. I had three meals instead of two. Most days my body functions and feels best with around 1500 calories which maintains my current weight. But when I dip down to 1200 or lower, it drops.

As we suspected, there are additional fees at the Savanna Club in Pt Saint Lucie, so it’s almost for sure that we’re not going to get in there. I figured as much. We’re probably going to have to do some settling but I think pretty much anyone does unless they’re rich. I mean, I think we can do better than this place, but I just can’t see us ever having a place that I absolutely love and that’s nice and peaceful most of the time. Just not in my cards.

I decided to go ahead and let Andy know how I felt about some things. It was a long message too, at over 3K words. Some of it I’ve already tried to get across to him before and as they say, you can tell someone something, but you can’t always make them get it. Whether or not it sinks in this time is on him and as I told him, I don’t think he’s a bad person but I don’t think we should go back to communicating regularly either. I admit that I was sort of the liar he would accuse me of being because I told him I wouldn’t block him yet I decided to in the end. I’ll keep him blocked for a year or so and then we’ll see if he happens to contact me or not.

I’m going to dye my hair for what will hopefully be the last time before switching to that merlot shampoo and just focus mostly on the roots and not bother to cover all of it.

Created a second LJ account with a bogus email address because I still like the idea of being public in an “unbiased” setting and on a site that I know Aly hasn’t used. If she’s ever used LJ in the past, she didn’t stick with it as far as I know and she’s not active there as she has been on MD and PB. She’s never mentioned LJ to me. It’s a different and huge community but it’s not rocking in the way PB is where you get tons of views and comments. Same rules apply…no sensitive info and nothing on Aly (just in case) unless it’s positive. I just like the idea of sharing more things with a new audience and seeing what interesting feedback I may get. The only way anyone who knows me would find it would be if they happen to accidentally stumble upon it in the midst of all the millions of journals there but if they do, they do. It’s just fun every now and then to do something on a different site with different people. Not only does everybody know me on PB but PB is too active and I don’t want to be bombarded with all kinds of “medical advice,” for example, due to my anxiety.

In last night’s dream, we were staying in a cottage on the beach my family and I would spend our summers when I was a kid. At least one other woman was with us.

I woke up early one morning and was shocked to find waves crashing just outside the window. “Oh, my God!” I said and then I quickly quieted as I realized Tom was on the phone talking business with someone.

When he hung up, I told him I never saw the waterline that high before. “I’ve known this beach since I was a baby. The water’s never been even remotely close to the cottages before.”

Then another woman got up and Tom was helping her mix eyeshadow to a specific color that would make her look less tired.

“I used to do that at times when going to doctors so they wouldn’t think I was on anything when in fact I didn’t feel well. You didn’t sleep well?” I asked the woman.

She said no because a turkey gobbling woke her up.

“Maybe Karma will get it and send a big wave crashing down on its head that will swallow it up,” I said. Then I could see that Tom wasn’t too pleased with my saying that. The woman said nothing, so I quickly added, “That is a joke, of course.”

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 7, 2021

Slept shitty last night so I’m kind of tired today. Tired enough to take the day off from exercising although it’s good to do once a week anyway and Sunday is when I usually do that.

I don’t know, it’s like the crystal energized me and not only did I have trouble falling asleep yesterday but I couldn’t get back to sleep when I woke up to pee 4 hours later. I then dozed on and off for about 3 hours after it took me an hour to fall back asleep.

Could be because I drank right before bed but I’m out of wine and I’m probably not going to get more anytime soon.

I remembered that the Twenties sell rocks and minerals and I asked Carolyn if she believed in healing rocks and crystals or if she thought it was silly superstition. She says she finds prayer usually helps calm her but knows others who have said they work. She doesn’t have any, though.

Not too long ago, Tom found that there was some decorative raw quartz outside. I like how mine is nicely polished and smooth to the touch. Can’t say for sure if it’s going to do me any good since I started to feel a little wound up at the end of my day yesterday. Better to have a little at the end of my day and not a lot in the middle or earlier but I just wish it would fucking stop!!!

It’s the weirdest thing because I don’t know if it’s “anxiety” per se. The only symptom I have is these random adrenaline rushes in my chest. I did read that that could be a symptom of tumors on the adrenal glands, but for 4 years? It was in 2016 that the panic attacks stopped and the adrenaline rushes started. I’m sure I’ve actually had them since 2014 when this shit first began but the panic attacks would have made the feeling not stand out as much because I had other symptoms along with it. But I don’t usually have a racing heart or other symptoms with what I’ve been having since December of 2016. Just a feeling of adrenaline coming and going in waves in my chest. Tom is pretty sure it’s anxiety and not actually adrenaline because then my heart would have to be racing. Also, my old endo would have caught any tumors when she did the special adrenal tests she did.

I still say there’s got to be some physiological cause for it and while we both doubt it’s a tumor, I just wish I knew all the causes, what to do about it, if it’ll last forever, etc. The cannabis lotion I got seems to have a calming effect on me but it’s short-lived.

Dark chocolate seems like it may help a little as well but I don’t want to get carried away with the sugar. Then again I’d rather be a full-fledged diabetic before I continued to feel this horrible and the worst I’ve ever felt in my life. Even a terminal diagnosis may not seem as bad because then at least I know there would be an end to my suffering. Don’t know if anything else would lie beyond but at least I would be done with any shit here.

So I know the potential causes could be changing hormones, low thyroid, build-up of meds, new brand of statins, but I still don’t know how to fix it.

He also thinks it could be me stressing out over my schedule, upcoming appointments, and the move. But then why did my body not react this way to stressful things in the past? He thinks it’s because we change with age and anxiety manifests itself differently than it used to.

Either way, my biggest fear in life right now is that this may never go away. No way in hell I can live like this for another 20 years or so. There’s just no way.

We went out for a walk yesterday and I was warm even with my hoodie even though it was only in the 50s.

I had this feeling in the outer corner of my right eye that there might have been an eyelash stuck in my eye or something. I had Tom look at it and he said it was irritated and like there was some kind of bruised or something. So I used his natural eyedrops and that helped soothe it. Oh, to have that be my worst problem in life!

I know I said I was going to wait but then decided to unblock Andy because I’m curious to see if he notices and has anything to say. From the looks of it, he’s no longer friends with Norma unless I just can’t see him on her friend list because he’s got his friend list set to private. Can’t believe either of them would ever unfriend the other.

Rats and Mexicans dominated my dreams last night. Or at least the ones I remember.

In one dream Tom and I were holding a terrified rat that was making sounds no rat has ever made.

In the next dream, we lived literally just a few steps from the Mexican border. I heard this strange humming sound, and stepped into Mexico to see what it was and found myself in a very industrialized area. I then realized someone was working on something in a factory with some kind of power tool.

Dismayed to be so close to such noise, I stepped back into the US but not before some Mexican guy saw me and followed me to get on my ass for stepping over the border.

In another dream, I woke up tired but decided to go for a walk by myself anyway. It was really early in the morning and the sun was just coming up. Disoriented from lack of sleep, I started down a hill steeper than the one we have here and then found myself turning around to head back up it without even realizing it. When I finally did realize it, I figured it would be better to head home because I was too out of it from lack of sleep anyway.

Once I got up to the top of the hill where the road formed a T and before I could head left towards my house, I spotted a group of Mexican guys across the street in a wooded area. I guess they were probably Mexican. Anyway, in that second, I realized I was stark naked. I crossed my arms over my chest and was horrified when one of them noticed me before I could make the turn toward my place, and started heading in my direction.

OMG, my husband is pure genius! I just remembered the Return to Sender spell which we reapply every now and then when things aren’t going well. We’ve done it maybe half a dozen times or so since he discovered it online in 2005. Well, I’ve either suddenly become seriously bipolar or the spell is already working because I feel tremendously better. Eh, I’m sure I’ll get stabbed again sooner or later but for now, I’m enjoying feeling better after starting off my day on an anxious note. But this spell really does help. It may not make everything perfect all the time but it does help.

Where he’s a genius is in coming up with the idea of getting a rental and a job when we get to Florida rather than buying a place right away. If we sign a lease for three to six months and he gets a job, then we could qualify for a place that’s closer to 200K instead of less than 100K where our options are much more limited. There aren’t many states like Cali where you can get over 4K a month and insurance and not even work. So our income is definitely going to take a nosedive in Florida, but I jokingly said, “Hey, maybe I’ll feel better then.”

It really does seem like we traded in money woes for health issues.

My only two concerns are whether or not they’ll accept us with what money we’ll have and whether or not we can get out in three or six months, but if worse comes to worst, we go back to the original plan and just buy a cheaper place.

What also makes this plan appealing is that it gives us a chance to test drive the climate without actually being locked in. Takes a lot longer to sell a place than it does to leave a rental.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 2021

I’m so cold today although I’m not sure why. I guess I’m just hypo after the few skips I’ve recently made. Don’t know yet if I’m going to automatically skip on the 1st and 15th of every month like I had planned. It’s going to depend on how much the dark chocolate and pot lotion continues to help.

We ran out to Rite Aid where he got a few snacks and I got more dark chocolate. Didn’t get any wine. That might have actually been contributing to my anxiety.

I just wish I knew why I haven’t slept well the last couple of nights. Usually, I sleep better at night. I decided to try that lotion infused with melatonin. But I’m getting a different brand and I’m getting it from Amazon, not Walmart. It will be here tomorrow.

I’m also getting some ylang-ylang oil and a small 6x6 diamond painting similar to the owl one I just did only this one is a pink flamingo. The only thing I really like about the owl that I did that I was tempted to keep was the glowing moon and the royal blue night sky. This one has the same color sky and moon, so if the colors are similar, Aly will get the owl for her birthday since she likes owls. The colors in the pink flamingo are definitely more my thing than the colors in the owl.

Going to be unpacking, reorganizing, and then repacking my collectibles. When I told Tom this, he said that’s exactly what he was thinking of doing with some of his computer and electronic-related stuff.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 2021

My ylang-ylang oil came today so I just threw a few drops in the diffuser. Such a lovely smell.

Managed to sleep longer but still woke up tired. First, just as I was knocking off last night, my feet were cramping up. I got so frustrated I wanted to grab a ruler and smack the shit out of the soles of my feet. I guess maybe I’m low on potassium or something. Just as soon as the bananas hurry up and ripen up, I’ll have one.

Despite being tired, we went for a 40-minute walk around the park. It was a nice walk even though it was filled with the usual symphony of small planes, big planes, helicopters, loud landscaping, and barking dogs.

Spring is in the air. An apple blossom tree down the street is already starting to bloom. Doubt we’ll have many more nights in the thirties.

I’ve not only been tired, but I’ve been so damn cold and I’m guessing that’s because of the medication skips. Thank God I didn’t need this shit in jail because it usually takes weeks of fighting for medication to get it.

Can’t say for sure if I’m going to continue the statins, but it still seems unlikely for them to be the culprit since I’m not anxious all the time and when I am, it’s usually nowhere near when I took them since I take them a few hours before bed.

I got up at 8 so today’s anxiety will probably start somewhere between 4 and 6. I really realized yesterday that there really is a damn good chance that whatever the hell is causing this isn’t going to stop and that it’s never going away. So what do I do? Well, killing myself or living with it are basically my only two choices. That’s really all I can do. Nothing any doctor has ever given me has helped and nothing I’ve tried to do on my own has helped either, and when it has, it was short-lived.

The point is that I have to finally accept and understand for once and for all that the problem is very likely mine for life. I did read that you can have anxiety and other symptoms up to two years after your last period, but I can’t count on relief at that time or at any time. I really do need to learn to assume that this is the way I’m always going to be and just enjoy the calm moments.

I realize I’ve been approaching it all wrong and that trying to run from it and escape it is a waste of time and that I need to accept it, embrace it, own it, and just quit being a wimp and start dealing with it for once and for all! I’m looking at a very hard rest of my life, yes, but when it gets to the point where I just want to scream or burst out in tears, I must remember that at least I’m mostly healthy in other ways and at least it’s only going to be for around 20 more years and not 50. Yes, even a few more years is a very long time, but I can do it and I will do it. I can learn to adapt as I’m stronger than I’ve given myself credit for. I know I can toughen up to this and that one day, the anxiety will eventually become second nature to me and all I know. I won’t be able to imagine life without it! Maybe I won’t even want to because the more we suffer, the more it toughens us up and the more special the good times become and the more we appreciate them. Yes, I will admit that a terminal diagnosis would be easier in a sense because then I know it would be just a matter of weeks or months and not years that are very likely to turn into decades. But I will toughen up to this and I will learn to live with it!

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 2021

Did another 2-mile walk around the perimeters of the park. Just like yesterday, Fitbit said I had 39 active minutes and walked for 38 minutes. However, my HR peaked at 133 instead of 139.

It’s kind of frustrating to cross the street to avoid someone and their dog while we’re still not vaccinated, just to have them jump across the street as well a second later. Maybe I should start taking a mask with me, especially in the area where there’s more likely to be people out with their dogs.

It was gorgeous out at nearly 60 degrees. It’ll be close to 70 later on. The air was cool but it was warm in the sun and I wished I had on shorts and a tank top instead of capris and a tee. Tomorrow will be cloudy and we might even get some rain but with the weather gradually warming up, I’ll be taking the bike out soon enough.

The best news is that after 12 anxious days in a row, I didn’t have any anxiety yesterday. While that’s great, I don’t want to get my hopes up because I know it’s only going to return. It always does. The question is whether or not it returns in a day or a few weeks. There’s still nothing to say it’s ever going to go away for good. I’d have to go for at least half a year before I could finally get my hopes up and that hasn’t happened yet. Each year that it doesn’t, I lose hope that it ever will. That’s okay, though. I’m still determined to accept and adjust to it and just appreciate those good days even more. It can’t be a forever thing because I’m not going to live forever in the first place.

Either way, it’s amazing how dramatically better things have been after placing the spell. I really hope my buddy will do it as well. It may not make life perfect but it definitely stops the extremes from happening and things from being worse than usual.

I did the pink flamingo diamond painting yesterday which looks beautiful. Still not sure I want to give Aly the first one of these six-by-six paintings I did which contains an owl, so I got another owl one I might do for her. This one is a little different than the first owl painting I did.

Last night I dreamed about an island but I’m not sure if we moved to it or were contemplating moving to it. We were trying to find out how much it would cost to have the car shipped there. Not from here, but because there was no bridge or causeway, we wanted to know what this ferry would cost that you drive your car onto and that takes you back and forth to the island.

A sign of some kind? I don’t know about that but now is about the time the premonitions would start coming as we’re now down to about a month from going on the market.

He found a cute little place on an island in a wooded area in the Bahamas that you could rent for $2,600 for 3 months, but as tempting as it may be, he couldn’t work there and we wouldn’t necessarily be able to get other things we’d need. Only in the US can you help yourself to the jobs and get all kinds of services. They’re more of a take-care-of-our-own kind of country and to be honest, that’s the way it should be.

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