Pollux

Elysium
2020-12-19 14:21:44 (UTC)

Smile

People look so pretty when they smile. Like so beautiful. Absolutely radiant. I am, of course, talking about a person. I mean I don't know them and they don't know me and I don't have a crush on them or anything. It was just an observation. It's so weird that just because you think a person is beautiful, you must have a crush on them. That's not the case. It's just nice to see joy on another human being's face. It's contagious and a very nice thing to experience, even though you may not have something to be happy about.

My days are going pretty normal. I actually like normal. The boring, the better. It's probably because I always find a way to entertain myself, so I am never truly bored. In my mind I am a much cooler, funnier person. I think if I actually managed to express myself, I would have been a pretty popular kid. Not that I care much about popularity, I have a tight-knit group of friends who I can talk to whenever I like. They're very nice and accommodating and we have our little inside jokes. We're not into sports, and we mostly talk about anime, comic books, DC, Marvel, Power Rangers and Star Wars. They occasionally talk about video games which I do not understand, mostly because my parents never bought me any. We're not the macho, alpha male, jock types that are usually portrayed as the image of masculinity, but I'm pretty happy with myself and have no desire to change my physical appearance. Maybe I would go so far as to say that I'm even good-looking? Okay this is getting very vain. I'm not usually concerned with my looks, I find it to be a worthless pursuit. Besides, I have nobody to please and the last thing I would like to do is change myself to feed someone's fantasy of me. I actually know something about this. It happened to one of my friends. He is a very nice person and his girlfriend was very nice too, but I think most of their affection stemmed from the fact that they were very alone in high school. High school is full of dicks, so I get why they became so close. So time passed and they started drifting away from each other. It was the final year and and the girl told him that he wasn't who she thought he was and broke up with her. But I think what she actually wanted to do was move on from high school. I can't blame her. I don't know if my friend is bipolar but he liked her, a lot. Like an insane amount. I never understood that. And he just wouldn't move on, no matter how many times I told him to. I felt pretty bad for him, I wanted to give him some advice, but I'm just not that wise. And then COVID happened, and the girl blocked him on social media and it was such a blow to him. He used to text me so much when he was going through this thing. As glad as I was to be there for him, I knew I was pretty useless. I mean. it's his battle. All that I can do is listen.

I used to think that all this crying over breakups and relationships was such a stupid thing. Like how can loving a person hurt you so much? But then it happened to my friend, and I have to admit, heartbreak sucks. It's much easier to sacrifice yourself for someone you love, than knowing that the affection you share for a person isn't reciprocated. Like in The Fountainhead where Howard Roark says," I'll die for you, but I won't live for you." I'm paraphrasing. I really understood the line then.

He's happier now, and is in a relationship with another girl who I knew in school. I thought it was pretty unlikely that they would ever get together, but here they are. He sent me pictures of the two of them, and they look like they're having a fun time. But what I really want to tell him, but I don't have the courage for is that don't go too deep into this. Like keep your feet on the ground. Which is something he really struggles to do. It's just that he is a very nice person and it's so easy to hurt him and I won't be there for him after I eventually go to college and I just want him to have a nice life. But he is an adult and it's his life. I know when the time comes it will be really hard to say goodbye.




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