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Ramblings & RL Stories
Ad 2:
2020-12-18 07:40:35 (UTC)

The road

It’s been awhile I know.
Lots have happened.
I ended up with some health issues, still battling the bladder thing. I will make an appointment in January.

I did my SS appeal on my own, still have not found an attorney yet.

My adopted mom has COVID and is not expected to make it.

Indio got fired from his job last Saturday, so 5 1/2 days ago. No income, no place to go.......
He bought nothing for Christmas.
I managed to rack up about 2 grand in debt for Christmas on my family. Sheldon and Indio got the blunt of it. I did order myself a walker. Was $400. I had no choice. Last Saturday I couldn’t walk. I was in tremendous pain. We tried the hot stones for 2 hours. Gave me 50 percent relief for Sunday.

I want to clear the air for someone who reads my entry.

1. My statement on seeing someone sexual/not sexual, is a general thing. When you see someone, even a model, and you have no desire, it’s the person with no desires issue. It has nothing to do with how you are.
2. People I find attractive, are people like (examples here)..... Kramer on Sinfield, Al Bundt on Married with Children, Gabriel Inglesa (known as Fluffy....comedian)...look up Fluffy on you tube), Chris Rock, Chris Tucker, Samuel Jackson, Woody Harrelson, etc.....
As you see, I don’t go by the normal appearances of people. I go by if they can make me laugh. Laughter is the number one must. I’m a deeply depressed person and find it sexy if someone can make me laugh my ass off.
3. Just because I don’t find people sexy/attractive at the moment, doesn’t mean I don’t love them.

So, anyway, I bought this awesome compass for DD1. Its absolutely breathtaking. I sent a compass keychain a year ago, it says TRUE FRIENDSHIP KNOWS NO DISTANCE....so thought buying a compass was the perfect gift. It’s engraved with a poem called The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost. It’s so beautiful I want to keep it, lol. They no longer make them, it’s a limited numbered item. I tried to order another, but they no longer have any.

I spent some time hand making Christmas stockings. I have yet to get them in the mail, sadly. They will be sent after Christmas or next week and probably will get to the people late, but that’s ok. I question why I go all out for some. DD1 is an example. I have never even gotten a card in the mail. Yet, I sent cards every month, till a few months ago. I would send a card to DD2 every month, but the mail system is so wacky getting up there it would get there a month late. Insane how customs holds on to things. He sent a birthday card to me and it took 2 1/2 weeks to get to me or longer and was opened when I got it. I do, have the Santa pic up on my fridge in the kitchen. He is family. (Also a reason why the attraction is different.....mentally, it’s wrong to find a family member sexually attractive in my opinion.)

I’m starting a few new programs. Psycho Therapy. It’s a CSS program. They have a lady that does alternative therapy. Cryogenic Tank, etc....and I’m going to give it a shot. I hope it helps. The program will help me in areas I’m struggling, help me look for attorneys, help remind me of appointments, help me with a home nurse if need be. I will be going to support groups, women’s groups, so I can expand my support group. I have 4 people on my list, that’s it, and all live out of state so it’s not the best situation. (Don’t take that wrong DD2 please)

I do have my tree up. Not anything on it but lights. I have no wanted to decorate this year. It’s too time consuming, too much effort when your in pain, because it normally takes 7 hours to put all the decorations on the tree and 7 plus hours to take them off.....so because my tree didn’t get up till a week ago, and I ended up doing it myself because someone couldn’t help, I said forget it, and just have the lights. It’s normally up Thanksgiving night. Not this year. I do everything. He always makes these empty words, I’ll get that for you, I’ll help you do that, I’ll do it for you, I’ll pay you back.....and I can count on one hand how many times he actually lived up to those words. (Speaking of Indio here)

(Deep Sigh)

Mentally, I’m exhausted. My arm has finally healed up enough that there’s a scar there. It still itches so is still healing underneath. I have not done anything since. So that’s good I guess.

I know, in the new year, once a month, I will complete a new drawing and send it off to someone. Even if I just pick a name one day out of a hat, find an address to anywhere in the world and send it with no return address. Yes, some will be personal, I have ideas already of a drawing for DD1 and DD2. Nunya has one already framed and on a wall in her room. And someone in my past therapy sessions has one as well also framed.

Indio just came out to grab coffee and said not a word to me, the bullshit I deal with here. It’s ok. I’m not going to sweat it. His loss in some aspects. Like Christmas, he could make something instead of buy something, but he won’t do that. He will put no effort or thought other than what benefits him. He gets free internet, cable, lights, water, heat, and sometimes pays 300$ for a roof over his head and sometimes spends 100$ on food. It’s all good. I know, in my heart, I’m being a good person, and I know, I’m being takin advantage of. One day, it will come back to bite him in the ass.

(Deep Sigh)
Been doing the deep sighs a lot since I found out my adopted mother is going to pass away. My adopted father is gone, my biological brother is gone, she is the last to go....other than her sister Nunya that I still speak to. Her 2 brothers are alive, and one died a year ago. The one that died tried taking me away from them when I was little and was being abused, but for some reason, I ended up elsewhere.
During my therapy on Wednesday, it was suggested I write a letter addressed to her, even if I don’t send it or read it to her. So I will work on that over the next few days...so it’s ready for Wednesday’s session.

I’ve got to pause here, because Sheldon has to get up and ready for school, and I have someone coming by today with food for Christmas, and a gift for Sheldon since he turns 13 on Tuesday, and I have my CSS appointment at 230 today....so want to get the kitchen and living room cleaned just in case the person wants to come in. I hope they don’t. I don’t like people in my home. The one doing the CSS wanted to come here and I said no. I don’t like people here. I have a hard enough time feeling safe in my own home with just Sheldon and myself here.

Seeing as Indio is not speaking, today will be stressful as all hell. He seems to not give a hoot about my feelings. After a year almost (February) he should know, silence like this for me is a very bad thing.....but he continues to not put forth any effort to fix things....and I’m tired of doing it. I already opened my home for him and his dog.....and much more. It’s time he starts showing me he appreciates me and everything I do......but I won’t hold my breath.

Jon, I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving....and have a very Merry Christmas.

And I’m off for now, I will try updating more often. Just have been physically down and out and not able to get on anything. I have not been on FB in over a month, my PlayStation in almost the same, etc. I find stuff to do in my home....that takes up a lot of time lately, everything is a serious effort to complete tasks, and a lot of tasks are not getting completed. It’s ok tho, I’m human and am doing all I can. At least I’m trying, despite the pain and exhaustion and not just laying in bed and gaming all day or sleeping all day.

So, till later.....

Ps.....he can’t even take his own dog out to the bathroom. He’s only done it 4 times in 3 months.


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