10.15.2020 It’s not ..
It’s not something I can remember easily. It has been here for as long as I can remember. I’m depressed. I used to be happy apparently. My family tells me that all the time. Although, I just walk around not understanding how I was. Everything is terrible. I can never do anything right. I can barely keep a job. I don’t have the motivation to keep going to college. Everything would be better if I just disappeared. Everyone would be happier. I’m a nuisance. I’m annoying. I’m tired. Before the pills I just slept everyday and played games, waiting for the day I could disappear. I want to be happy, that’s why I take the pills. I used to want to try to kill myself. The blades hurt, but the pain goes numb after a while. The idea of swallowing all the pills I have again makes me sick to my stomach. The last time I had really hoped I could find peace in the end. I was close. It took me days to start remembering things again. It took days after that to calm down from being stuck in the place. I’m scared to be lonely, but people scare me. I don’t like being around a lot of people. It is so exhausting. I hate going outside. If I stay inside my house, then there’s less that I can mess up. There’s less that I can fail at doing. I love everyone, but I just make people unhappy. I’m a nuisance. I just want to feel like I’m enough. I just want all the pain to go away. I want to be happy. I want to be successful. I want to stop hurting myself. I want to be normal. After I started taking the pills, I started feeling better. Once she added more, I cant sleep anymore. I feel like I always have too much energy. It’s probably because I never had much before them. I cant sleep tonight. That’s why I’m typing all of this. My arms have way too much energy. Its been probably 5-10 minutes since I started typing and my arms are finally starting to feel tired. I want to sleep. I have work tomorrow and I just want to sleep. I feel emotionally fine but I need to sleep and staying awake is exhausting. I don’t know what else to type. Does anyone else do this? Does anyone else feel like this? I’m so tired. I just want to sleep. I feel tired when I’m just sitting at my computer chair but when I get up and lay down I’m wide awake. Is this abnormal? Is this what insomnia feels like? I feel bad for others who feel like this. It’s terrible. It’s been 4 minutes since I last looked at the clock. Why is time moving so fast but slow? I just want to go to bed. I’m worried about school this coming up semester. The financial aid says it’s only covering one out of four classes. Is it because only one is showing date and times? I was just asked if I was okay. I’m not. Realizing and saying I’m not made me start crying. I don’t know what to do anymore. I keep trying and trying but nothing changes. Nothing is getting better. It only keeps getting worse or one pain turns into another and I don’t know what to do. I’m typing this so fast that I’m surprised that everything is coming out okay. It’s been 5 minutes since I last looked at the clock and I just want to sleep. I just want to be okay. I don’t want to type anymore. I’m just going to lay down until I pass out from either boredom or sheer exhaustion.