Your_perception

Finding Me
2020-12-11 03:04:35 (UTC)

Bringing This Up..

You know, women get crapped on a lot for bringing shit up. It's always something with us, right? And that's why I've learned to just bring up shit with myself instead. Because when you're good with you and you understand you it's way easier to deal with other people.
Don't get me wrong I've been able to bring up things generally easily in my relationship and thank god he has a decent amount of communicating skills and we don't bump heads often.

The point? Read my last entry.
I've brought of things, several things now. Plus one equals 8.
Bringing the past up to process it is a journey. I may get triggered by things that I haven't in a long while. I may have some crazy dreams, which I've already been having anyways. Last night I dreamt about my ex best friend and my most recent ex, this was #5. Dreaming about them isn't unlikely, but now they're the start to this conversation. Even if its not the beginning of the story.

For story sake we're gonna name this ex best friend Leona (she would get it). And #5..well he's just gonna go as that. These 2 never even knew each other in real life. But in the dream they did. And she was being protective of me as usual. Which was really really nice in the case of my ex being there. Because by the time him and I were through with each other in real life. Each of the 3 times.. I didn't really have a friend there for me.
Leona and I parted ways after high school graduation.
As protective of me as she was, she made a lot of rude comments to me about me.. a lot. I still have so many feelings about this girl.. some nights I just think what if we reunited? I hear stories of best friends taking time apart just to grow and come back together stronger than ever. But if we ever did that would be a lot of work. But it might be worth it better than never knowing, because I really actually fucking miss her sometimes. I'm afraid I've hurt her feelings though, and she may have a grudge against me.
After the love saga between #5 and 6, I remember really just wishing I had had a friend at the time of spring '19, while being in so much pain. I didn't have anybody that knew me from before and stayed in touch so they could see that I was changing for the worse. ..I pushed people away. I had a real taste for freedom, for freedom and REBELLION in the form of SEX and trying to fall in LOVE AGGRESSIVELY.
Before that, in high school, I had my first long relationship. This was one Leona actually supported. She gave me advice like she always did because I always went to her. But before that when I was even too young for boys really she would make really snarky comments. Call me obsessive...and maybe fairly so. I was preteen new teen age. The boys at our school didn't make it easy. I had one boy I really liked he was my first boyfriend kind of, and the first boy to really make me hurt. She didn't like him, and she never liked any of the boys really...
Back then I dealt with jealousy from girls other than just her. I probably didn't need that.. for the most part they treated me with love, they wanted to hangout with me and have the same favorite colors as me. But I dealt with comments from 2 of my best friends at the time. ..and they also hated each other. I didn't need that either.

That's enough of that for tonight.




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