Subtropical Lady

January 2021 (1)

FRIDAY, JANUARY 1, 2021

Doing this entry from my treadmill. I’m walking at 2.5 mph after doing a bit of jogging at 4 mph. I don’t want my hip to act up so I’m taking it easy.

I’m excited that 2021 is here! This is it. The year we escape this place! I never expect to find a quiet place since almost everywhere has gotten noisy these days but I’m sure we can get a quieter place. Any place not in a flight path and not on a busy street has to be quieter. So unless we trade in the planes, traffic, and projects for barking dogs, screaming kids, and loud music, I’m almost positive the next place will be heaven compared to this.

I listened to 75 audiobooks in 2020 but many of them were just 2-hour true crime books.

Yesterday when I was out walking, I tried to shoot a pic of one of the planes going overhead so people could see how close they come to us, but I couldn’t see a damn thing because of the sunlight.

Although I thought I slept well, I went from a sleep score of 90 to 83 and I’ve been tired today. I napped for a little over an hour and it helped a little but I’m still kind of tired.

I only burn 13 calories every 15 minutes in my sleep. Damn! That’s it?

I just hope Tom doesn’t have a third spell. Again he got weak, dizzy, and shaky a couple of days ago and his blood sugar dropped to 74. In five days he has a video appointment and he’ll mention it to our doctor then.

Didn’t realize Amazon Fresh and Whole Foods were two different things. We tried Amazon Fresh and as soon as they get here, we’re going to try Whole Foods. Looking forward to my crab rangoons, spanakopita and a few other things Walmart doesn’t have.

Walmart pissed me off the other day because they had non-spicy peanut sauce pictured on their site, yet I got spicy. Buying from Amazon Fresh or Whole Foods is better in that I can see reviews and get a sense of what’s really spicy and what’s not.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 2, 2021

Just when I was doing better for sleep and energy, I’m exhausted again. Due to yesterday’s nap, I ended up being up forever and slept much later than I normally would have. So my schedule made a big jump that jeopardizes my getting to the dentist. Hoping to crash earlier tonight and get up at least no later than I did today.

As I told Aly, who understands sleep problems well, what would I do without her and Tom to remind me of the things I so stupidly forget like the fact that I have Calms Forte. Last night I wasted my time taking a couple of Walmart children’s Benadryl which did absolutely nothing for me. That’s not what one should be taking anyway. I try to stay away from melatonin because I sometimes wake up in the middle of my sleep and have trouble falling back asleep with that, or I have nightmares and wake up with a headache. I’ll remember the Calms Forte tonight if I need it.

I read an article explaining that most people who are low on thyroid like me can’t seem to be able to lose weight even with treatment and how they recommend two to three large meals with no snacks in between instead of eating more often in smaller amounts. Funny too, because that’s what I started doing a couple of weeks ago and it’s at least helping me to not gain more.

I’m going to try to make a point of burning at least 2K calories a day. Yesterday I got something like 12,500 steps and burned a little over 2K cals. The treadmill is much easier on my hips than the hard pavement since there’s a slight give in the wood underneath the treadmill. I usually do 3 sessions where I start off sprinting for a minute or two and then I walk briskly while I do a puzzle. I’m aiming for at least 45 minutes of exercise a day although I suppose an hour might be better. I’ll never be under 154-155, but if I do this, it should make it harder for me to see the 160s.

I had a dream that we were living in a house that looked absolutely unlike this one, but we were still about to move. We had to empty out my bedroom for some reason and Tom told me to think carefully about where I wanted to replace the bed when we put the furniture back in the room. I decided that rather than to the right side of the window, which I realized could also go to the left side of it without the drapes hanging, I could move it further up the wall towards the door and then sleep on the other side of the bed where the mattress was supposedly more even.

I then walked down a wide hallway with dark hardwood floors and found Tom lying on a couch-bed listening to a Stephen King audiobook.

Then I swear Adonis was in one of my dreams and we were discussing how bad my memory had gotten over the years.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 3, 2021

We walked just over two miles this morning. It was only 50 degrees but warm in the sunlight. I’m still having three large meals a day and I’m definitely not as hungry as often. I’m just starting to get hungry being 45 minutes away from my second meal. I usually go 5 hours between meals. Didn’t have my last meal yesterday because I was tired, and I crashed early. Was able to back my schedule up by an hour but it’s still two hours ahead of where it should be.

I didn’t quite burn 2K calories yesterday but I came close at 1958 or something like that with over 12K steps. Woke up at 155.2 but I know my body. It will reset itself back to 157 no matter what I do. But if I can bounce between 155-157 indefinitely and avoid hitting the 160s, it’s not all bad.

We ordered a sound machine so I could have a portable one in the hotel since we don’t expect to go from house to house. It would also be good to have because I’ll be in an area that’s likely to have more power outages since they have real storms there. We’re supposed to have heavy T-storms and wind tomorrow, believe it or not.

I messaged Dr. Ostrander telling her we’re moving in a few months and I would love to get together with her somewhere one last time because I think she may find a discovery I made rather interesting that had a hand in my anxiety that we never discussed. That’s the brand issue, of course. I told her I’d like an answer either way even though she doesn’t have to give me any kind of explanation if she doesn’t want to but I’m not stupid. I know I won’t hear back from her. At that point, that’s when I’ll tell her about it anyway and how surprised I am that none of my doctors ever suggested this to me, not that she wasn’t a great doctor.

Pawandeep, the Indian lady Tom used to work with texted him and they chatted for a bit. She didn’t mention being laid off, so we assume she’s still working there. Of course they would lay off the older white guy before they laid off the younger Indian woman, but they definitely ended up doing him a hell of a favor with the virus about to really break out. Not to mention the fact that he’s actually making more on Unemployment than when he was working. Anyway, he told her we were heading for Florida in a few months.

In one of last night’s dreams, I was still 47 years old and he and I were discussing squeezing in a kid at the last minute and having me artificially inseminated since I was older. Then I thought about it and didn’t want to put myself through all that, so I backed out.

In another dream, I was sharing my journals with Aly via email one year at a time.

Something hit me earlier that Tom and I were talking about. Anytime I have dreams that we’ve already moved, it’s never in a park. When we were stuck in hotels when we first came down here and an apartment seemed inevitable, any dream I had about moving was never in an apartment. They may not mean anything at all but if they really are signs of any kind and I’m reading the dreams right, we won’t be starting off in a park. Can’t say that I have a strong feeling about that one way or another, but the dreams make me wonder if they’re little hints about where we’re heading.

Furthermore, I don’t see how any park would take us. They usually want you to make three times the space rent and with $1,300 a month, I don’t see any space rent being that cheap.

MONDAY, JANUARY 4, 2021

Crying now because we’re likely going to have to euthanize ratty rat soon. He’s still eating and doesn’t appear to be in pain despite not being able to walk well anymore or lift his head up all the way since the biggest tumor is at the nape of his neck, but the end is near and things can only go downhill for him at this point. Tom read about rat experts that recommend putting them in a tank like one of our plastic bins and mixing vinegar with baking soda and how you can’t hurt them even if it fails because all it will do is put them to sleep for a while. If you use enough of the mixture, though, they won’t wake up. sighs sadly Next grocery order we’ll get the required ingredients.

It’s been raining hard for hours now. Cali really needs the rain too! No thunder like they predicted but sure enough, it isn’t stopping them from running around with their obnoxious blowers. It seems it isn’t just the park obsessed with that shit but also the Cross Community park near the Rite Aid we ran out to.

Red wine may stain teeth, but I missed my merlot, so I got some of Barefoot’s brand which I think is the best version I’ve ever tried, along with Sutter Home’s Moscato which has become my second favorite wine.

I’ve been up for 3 hours and strangely enough, I’m not hungry yet. I did have a couple of bites of my candy bar, though, and a small yogurt so my stomach isn’t entirely empty. Once I start feeling hungry, I’ll make some pecan-smoked chicken wings. Feeling kind of cold and tired, so I’ll pre-heat the oven now. Eating will hopefully give me some energy.

Only I could jump nearly a pound with the 500-calorie deficit like I had yesterday. I know water fluctuations can affect the scale from day to day but still, this is ridiculous. One should be able to work this hard and see results and I don’t mean just a few pounds either. But my weight is going to slowly reset itself no matter what. At least once I’m back to 157, I can work it back down to 155 and just keep bouncing between that 2-pound range for as long as I can. As long as I can never have normal TSH numbers, weight loss will remain impossible. At least I think it would. Maybe I would still get nowhere with it even with normal numbers because look at all the fat people out there. They don’t all have bad thyroids but then I don’t know if they’re willing to slave their ass off by exercising for an hour every day and modifying their calories as I have. So I don’t know what would have happened had I had normal numbers any more than I’ll ever know if I still wouldn’t have conceived had Tom been normal sexually. I would doubt it, though.

Anyway, staying in the 150s may not be the healthiest thing and yes, it does make some things in life a little harder but at least I’m not wheelchair-bound because of it. When I saw a video about a woman who was hundreds of pounds overweight and bedridden, I told myself to shut up and stop complaining! After all, my body wouldn’t be determined to hang on to its weight if it didn’t feel it needed it and I know deep down I’m exactly where I’m meant to be.

That bubbly feeling started in my chest again but it’s like it could barely get started. It’s almost like it tried to do it but couldn’t. Definitely does seem to be more likely in the morning just like the article I read said, though I still don’t know what it is much less if it’s serious or not. I’d say it hasn’t occurred enough to be worth mentioning to my doctor and hopefully it will stay that way. I’ve had enough shit in life!

I’ve also had enough of trying to get my book removed. Scribd obviously has no intentions of removing it no matter what Smashwords does. It’s okay, though. It’s only going to sell once a lifetime and I do share some of my journals for free after all. Hey, I made the Arizona Republic a lot of money so why not make Scribd just a little, right? I’m used to working for free or at other people’s expense. if I was meant to profit from anything I do, I wouldn’t have this sleep disorder.

So Tanya Roberts died at age 65. They won’t say why other than that it wasn’t the virus. By the time she entered Charlie’s Angels, I had pretty much given up watching the show. Once Kate Jackson left, I wasn’t all that interested.

I had a dream that my dad and Kim from MA were visiting and also that the termite found my new number somehow and left a message. Don’t know what she said in the message, but I recognized her voice right away. She definitely would call too, if she got ahold of the number, so I’m glad that that’s one of the few things in this country they don’t make public. Especially with the way Androids often make it a hassle to block numbers.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 5, 2021

I guess you really can’t weigh yourself every day after all, with water fluctuations and things like that. I ate more yesterday yet I’m down today. Still can’t believe I’m on to anything but I’m definitely going to stick to this way of eating because it will make it harder to hit the 160s and I feel good this way as well.

We tested my blood sugar when I got up and it was 107. Definitely not great but a little lower than the last time the lab tested it.

Even though I was quite lazy yesterday and didn’t even make 7K steps and only burned a little over 1700 calories, I got 12 accidental zone minutes due to my high HR.

We went out walking today and as usual, it wasn’t very peaceful with all the landscaping. Also had to dodge dogwalkers and heard a couple of planes but it was otherwise pleasant. The air was cold, but the sun was warm.

Passed by one house that’s sort of nearby that has a picket fence on one end of it where an unattended dog was left outside to bark. That’s so westerner too. I wonder…if we were in the same size park with the same street layout in Florida, would we encounter more dogwalkers, assuming more people there are okay with dogs living indoors?

I thought I’d been hearing a bark lately that wasn’t loud enough to be annoying and didn’t go on for hours like Jesse’s dogs used to and like they used to in Phoenix. I wrote it off as being Santa’s dogs even though I thought it sounded slightly different. It’s unlikely it’s being left outside at night or else I would have heard it for sure.

This time we walked for 33 minutes and I got 25 zone minutes.

They finally removed my book, so that chapter of my life is definitely closed! It was fun and interesting at first but definitely not worth the lack of money and the shit that went along with it. Writing is such a black-and-white world. You either don’t make shit or you make a fortune.

I don’t know if “anxious” is the proper word to describe how I felt yesterday, but I felt a little off emotionally, so I decided to skip my meds today. I’m also going to start taking my statin with my last meal of the day because sometimes a kiddy yogurt isn’t enough to prevent feeling nauseous.

It would be great if we could find an ideal house on an Ideal piece of land as I don’t know that any park would take us since once we’re out of here, that’s it, the money is gone. We’ll probably never again have money like this and that’s okay as long as we can afford what we need. However, it would be harder to get out of a house on land than a house in a park where they’re more in demand should that climate backfire on one of us or both of us.

I don’t think we’ll ever literally be broke again. At least not like we were in Auburn. Not sure if he’ll ever work again but he may not need to if we get a place where the payments end up being a little over $200 a month. I’m all for taking a chance and starting on land, though, since I hate communities and I don’t know that I would sleep any better in a park there than I do here. Starting to get the feeling that we’re not going to be in a park, actually, but it’s all going to depend on what we find. I’m still open to the idea of a park if we find an ideal location and they’re willing to take us.

So Tanya Roberts has gone from dead to supposedly not dead and then back to being dead after a UTI spread to other organs and then invaded her bloodstream. I didn’t think these things still happened these days with antibiotics in existence.

I had a series of dreams that morphed into each other. I was following Maliheh down a city street when I said I wanted some hard candy. A pile of lollipops then magically appeared on a table sitting on a sidewalk that she pointed out which was then suddenly inside a store.

Then a crazy woman was saying some nonsensical stuff to me and appeared to become angry rather quickly. Knowing she wasn’t right in the head and not wanting to stick around for her to lash out at me with whatever paranoid delusions were going through her mind, I picked up my pace and then found it was nighttime. I decided to head home and passed a parking lot where a couple of employees in their twenties were mopping it. I thought of what a shitty job that would be to have, and then I was in our park.

I passed a house for sale that I knew belonged to a relative of Marie’s that died. I knew she knew that I lived down the street and that she was ignoring me for some reason. I wondered if she had left yet but when I saw a light on in one of the windows, I knew she was still there.

In the last dream, my cousin Sharyn came to visit. It was summertime and I was in a sundress. I was totally embarrassed and self-conscious as I suddenly realized I had forgotten to shave under my arms. So I offered to make her coffee to use as an excuse to quickly shave while it was brewing.

A second later I was wearing a bodysuit and lying on top of a bed next to some girl as Sharyn was writing something on a nearby chalkboard. I looked down at myself and decided I should put my sundress back on.

In real life, I left a message on her wall since it’s been a while, not that she would dare think to say hello to me first, of course.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 6, 2021

Oh, look at that. Sharyn posts every single day but happens to skip a day when I leave a message on her wall. More than likely she's just delaying having to acknowledge and respond to me unless she decides, in the end, to pretend she didn't see it.

However, Sharyn’s the least of my concerns. The fact that a mob has stormed the US Capitol and is attempting to overthrow our government with Trump’s support and help right along with the damn pigs themselves, is rather big news. Tom says we could have a big problem if they don’t get it under control and they don’t throw Trump in jail for it because then it could happen again, the Constitution could be overthrown, all laws could be thrown out, and then it’s just a matter of those with the guns being in control.

I’m starting to see where blacks really are victims as much as perpetrators. Yes, what happened to me is all too commonplace. Many courts/laws do favor them these days, but I can also see where they do get shot more by the police and have less support where the police are concerned, thugs or not. Because the majority of Trump supporters are white, Tom believes that’s why the police aren’t so quick to take action against them from storming the Capitol.

I hope he’s right in thinking the pigs will eventually get things under control because if they don’t, it could get in the way of Biden being sworn in and increase the violence against minorities, including me. I just thank God that if worse comes to worst, Ashkenazi doesn’t “show.” It’s hard to hide being black, and you can usually tell when someone’s gay or lesbian but fortunately, no one can look at me and see that I’m Jewish even if I’m about as religious as a rat is regardless of what I look like.

Trump was definitely the worst thing to happen to this country as religion is the worst thing to happen to the world. The fucking cock encouraged his twisted supporters to do this and delayed calling in the National Guard. He only sent the National Guard when other states said they would send theirs.

Whites are just as wrong for doing what they’re doing today as blacks are for rioting and looting when one of their own gets shot. What’s happening today is definitely worse, though. Smashing AutoZone’s windows and looting Target just isn’t the same as storming the Capitol.

I was just thinking the other night that I was glad I didn’t have 50 or 60 years left to live because while some things definitely do get better with time like the fact that gays/les can marry, I think the world, in general, is also getting worse. When you see certain things still happening or that start happening in 2020 that you’ve never seen happen before or that you never thought would or could happen, you realize that anything is possible. The world really could go to hell and be overtaken by all kinds of crazy Hitler-like people. I’m sure Anne Frank never thought that she would be kidnapped by a bunch of crazies and then tortured, starved and killed.

This shit could get in the way of a lot of things including moving although I don’t think or sense this shit will go on indefinitely. I sure as hell hope not! We’re always looking at what’s available and I realize that at this point, as long as nothing throws us off track, our future home is probably on the market right now, especially if it is on a piece of land and not in a park. So we’re just a click away from home but don’t know where to click!

Tom had his video meeting with Dr. A who he could tell was at home. He could see a bookcase and a hallway in the background but didn’t hear anything. I could tell by her latest profile picture that she definitely lives in a much quieter area than we do. I swear I’ve heard half a dozen helicopters today and I’m not even in the middle of my day yet.

Anyway, she said that the spells he’s been having, and the tremors are normal although there’s a blood pressure medication that helps with that if it gets worse. She recommended adding protein to all his meals and lab work and a physical, of course. So we’re going to get blood drawn around the same time.

My blood pressure is still a bit high but since I don’t expect to lose any more weight than I have, I would rather just live with it than take medication. It’s still better than it was. Especially since I’ve cut down on sodium. At my age, I can’t ever expect to have normal blood pressure or glucose levels ever again.

The sleep schedule program he wrote has my schedule jumping 1 hour and 15 minutes a day. I now think it’s around 1 hour and 20 minutes a day. We’re going to download the raw data off my Fitbit sleep sometime and he’ll be able to calculate the numbers and adjust the program accordingly.

After I use a few coded drafts on PB, I’m definitely hanging up the tracking for a while because it’s a pain in the ass since I have to code each individual entry and to be honest, there isn’t anyone in particular I’m looking for or hoping to see. Or not to see for that matter. It’s just a bunch of countries and pretty meaningless at this point.

Okay, they’ve now secured the Capitol. But do I see Trump ever getting arrested for instigating this? No, I don’t, sadly.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 7, 2021

I went through Sharyn’s posts back as far as Christmas. That’s enough time to tell me she posts quite religiously. At least half a dozen times a day. Then I leave a message and the posting stops. Funny, ain’t it? Only I don’t believe in coincidences. I’m also not dumb enough to think she suddenly decided to abandon her account. I’m sure she’s either gone friends-only or is just hoping that if she gives it enough time I’ll forget about the message if she doesn’t post that she’s been busy and will try to get back to people or something like that. So yeah, unless she got hit by a car again and this time wasn’t nearly as lucky, I’m not stupid. I am, however, a little surprised and disappointed in her. I didn’t think she’d go so far as to not post anything just because I left a message that she would prefer not to respond to.

Doctors must have a much harder rule than I realized about being in touch with even former patients since I made it clear that we’re moving. But between Ostrander and Alyssa, they obviously aren’t allowed to associate with former patients any more than current ones. For some reason, I thought the former ones were acceptable but unless it’s just me personally and she doesn’t want to deal with me or respond any more than Sharyn does, I guess it’s considered unethical of her.

A year or so after we move, I’ll still send messages to Docs A, N, and G just for kicks for them to ignore as well if they even see them in the first place. I’ll probably even say hi to Stacey again. I guess it’s just what we bored writers do, LOL.

I still can’t believe yesterday’s insurrection and that an American president of all presidents would incite a riot in hopes of overthrowing the government. This is all on top of deliberately withholding vaccinations for most people simply because he didn’t win. A lot more of us could be vaccinated by now if it weren’t for this fucker that I would absolutely love five minutes alone with.

I’m glad I was right about Trump not being re-elected, but I can’t help but wonder if he had been. Would we be vaccinated by now? Would they have busted into the Capitol?

If we don’t get vaccinated before the move we may not be able to fly even if we wanted to because they may make a rule forbidding anyone who hasn’t been vaccinated to fly.

Texas is still a possibility as well as Florida. He did the math and found that with a 20K down payment, we should be able to get a place up to 90K. I definitely want to avoid states like Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi and Georgia. Southern Texas is appealing climate-wise but then I also don’t want to get too close to Mexico either. I’ve seen what the Mexicans can do in Phoenix and also in Maricopa. I don’t want to see it again. Why is it that those I would rather avoid want to live where I want to live? I still want tropical but tropical is more expensive, crowded, and noisy. It really is a trade-off, alright. The question is just how much I’m willing to trade. Depends on what we could get for it. I would certainly go to a climate that’s a little colder than I’d like as opposed to living in a more populated and less safe city that’s warmer.

Then there’s money. We could get so much for a lot less in certain parts of Northeastern Texas. I’d rather have a little extra money to do more things in a colder place than not have extra money in a warmer place. Yes, I hate the cold and a climate like Oregon and Nebraska is completely out of the question but if it was similar to this it may be worth it depending on what we could get out of it. More space, more peace, and more money might be worth it depending on what we find. I wish I was completely oblivious to climate altogether because then we could just get the fuck out of this fucked up country and go to Canada.

I forgot the name of the town (Pollok?) but there is a great-looking 1800-square-foot place with huge rooms on a decent-sized lot that doesn’t have much around it. The only negatives are that there is a small airport nearby and it backs up to farmland. I don’t expect the small airport to be that busy since it’s in a rural town, but I wonder what loud equipment may be running on the farm and if the place constantly smells of cow shit like Maricopa did. It’s still tempting!

I’d say we’re definitely moving, though, based on the dream I had. This place didn’t look like it really does, as usual, but we had just finished packing everything up and as I was falling asleep, I thought to myself how I couldn’t believe that tomorrow night I wouldn’t be sleeping there or ever again. That would be wonderful so I didn’t have to go to sleep like I will next time around knowing that I’m going to be woken up by garbage trucks. I fucking hate that. I’m just so fucking sick of that and I can’t wait to escape it! Got to get up just because they collect the trash, got to get up because they read the meter, got to get up because some fucker has to blast by in some insanely loud vehicle. It’s gotten bad just about everywhere, so this is why we really have to choose wisely when it comes to our final destination. Definitely not going to miss the projects and the daily landscaping. The dead of night should be peaceful. Not full of planes and traffic, although tonight it’s too bad. It would take one hell of a place and one hell of a climate for such a racket to be worth it and let’s just say it’s no place we could ever afford.

Even though I’m still not sure if I believe in curses or not, I really do seem to have sleep issues above and beyond the norm. When you can’t keep a schedule and you’re the lightest sleeper on earth, how can you not feel cursed? So I worry I’m going to have problems even if we were in a place that was dead quiet. If there’s anything out there that doesn’t want me to sleep, it’s not going to let me. It could just make sure I had more insomnia or that I wake up more often and can’t get back to sleep, couldn’t it?

The US virus death toll is now over 4K a day just as I figured it would be knowing how stupid most people are. They just had to get together over the holidays.

Tomorrow my beloved ratty will be joining the death count. We just can’t let him go on this way anymore. So tomorrow we’ll be euthanizing him. We want to do it in the daytime so we can bury him once he’s gone. :-(

We also have to change the pigs’ cages. They fucking stink tonight. We don’t expect to re-home them until sometime in mid to late February. Blitz finally caught on that yes, he really needs vitamin C and has been eating the tablets we spent a fortune on. He doesn’t eat as much of the food as Rockefeller does which is fortified.

My hair is still as unmanageable as ever and I’m at the point where I’m practically ripping out knots as I brush through it because I’ve lost patience with it. Depending on how much longer it is until we’re vaccinated, I may just go ahead and cut it myself.

I walked both outdoors and on the treadmill today since my hip is okay and I knew I wouldn’t have energy tomorrow. I’ve been up for 10 hours and my current stats are as follows:

21 zone mins
41 active mins
9764 steps
1723 cals burned
6 hr, 38 mins of sleep
Sleep score: 85

Bet tomorrow’s score will be under 85 thanks to the trash truck.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 9, 2021

My little Fuzzy buddy is gone. :( It wasn’t long after I got up that we noticed he was in the opening of his burrow appearing weak and struggling to breathe. At that point, I could kick myself for not letting him go last night.

Tom quickly set up the euthanizer which is a bottle of vinegar that he cut a hole out for inserting a funnel into as well as a plastic tube in the opening that he sealed with a glue gun. The funnel is for slowly dispensing the baking soda into the vinegar and of course, the plastic tube goes into the cage for the colorless gas to flow out of. You don’t have to cover the tank because carbon dioxide is heavier than air. You just have to make sure you don’t put in too much baking soda at once otherwise you’ll suffocate the animal, and it won’t be much better than smothering them with a pillow or something. You want them to fall asleep, then go unconscious, and then suffocate. He got the exact measurements online.

Anyway, what broke my heart was that before we got him into the tank, he gave out a little squeal and appeared to really be in pain and struggling to breathe as his body convulsed and his tail flapped around. Then he went still but I could see some traces of movement, suggesting he was still breathing at least a little. By the time we finally got him set up in the tank, I don’t know if he was dead or had gone unconscious. Tom said he noticed breathing and was most likely unconscious but not dead. The euthanizer worked fast as it was supposed to. The whole process only takes a few minutes.

I just feel horrible. Not just for the loss of the adorable ratty that lived 773 days but because I wish we’d acted sooner. Maybe it would have spared him some suffering but at least it’s over now and he didn’t seem to suffer for long.

He’s buried outside between the master bedroom and next door’s garage. I hate the sound of that shovel slicing through the dirt, but I’ve heard it many times. It’s a sad sound to me.

So now it’s just the pigs until next month. It isn’t that I don’t like the pigs or would wish any harm on them, of course, but I definitely don’t care about them in the way I cared about Fuzzy. When it comes to rodents, I’m just more of a rat person. It’s been that way since 1998 and that will never change.

On top of that, they’re going to be turning off the water from 9 to 5 on Tuesday to fix 3 water leaks. I appreciate that they’ve gotten better with warning us and that this shit’s happening less often but damn am I not going to miss it! Really miss the days of being able to shower anytime I want and not having to worry that the water may suddenly go off for one of these “emergencies.”

Tom was saying that it might actually be better if Trump wasn’t forced out of power because then Pence would become president and he would have to pardon Trump. Trump may actually stand a better chance of being convicted of something if they leave things alone until the 20th.

I get what he’s saying but I highly doubt he’ll ever have to answer for a damn thing he’s ever done. As Tom said, though, the most important thing is that he’s not president after the 20th. Still can’t believe how crazy, hateful, delusional and downright mean this little cock is. Just as scary is how many followers the sick fuck has. How do you do this shit and end up with so many people supporting and following you? I just don’t get that. But then Charles Manson had his share of supporters as well. There’s always someone willing to support anyone.

Feeling a little off again. It isn’t that I’m getting stabbed in the chest with adrenaline so much as I just feel a little off emotionally in the way that I only began to experience since taking this medication, so I might skip tomorrow as well. I just hate to fuck my metabolism up even more and risk inviting more weight.

Bad news from Aly as well and that’s that she tested positive for the virus. I’m not surprised but that’s great that she’s asymptomatic. Let’s hope she stays that way! This is exactly why we’ve been hiding as if we’re fugitives on the FBI’s Most Wanted list. The only unnecessary trips that we make are those weekly Rite Aid trips and we wear masks, mandated or not, totally foolproof or not.

Did some reading out of curiosity last night and found out something rather interesting about Facebook. There have been some people which I’ve wondered if they’ve either muted or ignored my messages. Well, now I know they haven’t. I read that if you don’t see the “ignore messages” or “mute conversation” options in Messenger then that means that they have ignored or muted you. If you do see these then they haven’t. I noticed that some businesses that don’t handle support issues on Facebook that I’ve got automated messages from when I did try to reach out to them have their “ignore messages” options missing.

So Alyssa isn’t muting or ignoring me and neither is Ostrander. But does this mean they’ve read my messages? I guess it’s likely.

Ostrander just heard from me one last time. I told her about the brand issue and that I never did hear back from her son who I blocked because while he may have been perfectly harmless, I had no idea how he got ahold of my name or what his game was. I told her we were moving and wished her luck and that was it.

I haven’t messaged Alyssa in nearly half a year because I just haven’t been interested in doing so but I couldn’t resist saying hello to her husband when I was curious to see if his gym was open since I know that a lot of gyms have been closed and saw the email address listed.

I also noticed that Stacey created a second Facebook account for some reason. She’s connected to her son there but not her husband. Yes, I messaged her as well, letting her know that we were moving soon and that I hoped she was well. I added that I just turned 55 and maybe when I’m 60 I’ll say hello again, LOL. If she got the message, she’s making sure I don’t know it and I know you can do that.

Sharyn is back to her half-dozen daily posts and has completely ignored my message. Yes, I know it could be a glitch on Facebook’s part or that she simply missed it or didn’t get a notification, but I’d say the odds of that aren’t very good. Not sure what it was I said or did but since I don’t want to bother with anyone that doesn’t want to bother with me, I deleted the message.

Do I think it was rude of her? Yeah, I do although I can’t say I’m all that surprised. Just like with Phillip and Jennifer, people may talk to you once or twice and then they just ghost. I’m not sure why or if this is something that only happens to me, but it was definitely rude. She could have at least “liked” it or wrote a quick “Fine, thank you” or “I hope you’re well too.”

SUNDAY, JANUARY 10, 2021

Apparently, we psychics have “reactions” when we’re onto something just like a dog alerts us to something it’s trained to find. Well, after looking at some houses and being like, yeah, maybe, I “alerted” to one instantly, twirling with excitement and feeling tears of hope and desire sting my eyes. I knew it was the right place for us. Funny too, because it’s actually in a park in Port St Lucie, an area I’m somewhat familiar with since it’s in the Stuart/Jensen Beach area. I’m sure my parents knew it very well. It’s only about 10 to 15 minutes away from the beach they would go to when they lived on Nettles Island.

What made this house so spectacular was that it’s a co-op which means it would be easier to get into. We’re going to be low-income when we leave here probably for the rest of our lives so I don’t know that any park with land leasing would be quick to take us. I’ve never really understood money or been all that good with it so I can’t say for sure. All I can say is that we both agree a co-op would be better for many different reasons, the main one being that it’s cheaper and would leave us with money left over each month for other things. We don’t want to end up in the same situation as in Maricopa where the house sucked every last dime out of us.

The house wasn’t perfect any more than any other house, but it was damn ideal. I don’t want to get into describing much of it since sadly, now that they’ve dropped it to 69K, I can’t see it being on the market when we’re ready to get a place. I’ll just say that it’s a 1500-square-foot 1988 place in great condition with a great view since it’s right on the lake. Yes, we would have neighbors close to us but it’s a tiny park and I wouldn’t expect there to be nearly as much traffic.

Just like you know it when you find the right person, I guess you know it when you find the right house. It was the same reaction as when we were checking out manufactured home parks and I walked into the one we ended up getting. I just didn’t know we were going to be getting a shitty life along with it and that he would eventually lose his job and then we would lose the house.

So yeah, it was a great house in a great location in a great town even though it is a little more populated than it is here, and I’m sure I would love the climate even though it does get nippy at night in the winter there.

There’s a lot of good in rural but that might not be the smartest idea since we are getting older. We know we would be better off in a park, especially when our golden years aren’t so golden anymore and we’re not able to take vacations and the party is basically over. We would still want to be where there would be activities for us to partake in be it bingo or whatever. I just don’t want a dumpy piece of shit that’s in a crowded park, totally choked off by other houses. We looked at one like that for 45K and while the good in that would be that we could remodel it to our tastes and soundproof it easier, that would take time and money, and the place was less than 1000 square feet. The neighbors were even closer than they are here.

So if the location doesn’t feel right, I would rather go with land. It would really be ideal if we could get a place where I may still have to get a sleep pod for traffic, mowers, and any projects going on but that wasn’t noisy enough to be worth soundproofing.

I’m trying not to get my hopes up even though I can’t help but be excited about this place. I haven’t been able to get it off my mind. It’s been on the market for 213 days and this is the third price drop down from 90K so I can’t believe it’s going to sit there until March or April. I say it’s gone this month. And then I just have to hope we find something just as ideal when it is time to get a place. Truthfully, I don’t think I’m going to be this excited over whatever we end up getting. I just couldn’t get that lucky. I think there’s going to have to be some settling involved but we could still get something better than this.

I know that where there’s a will there’s a way, but I filled out an opt-out form with ZabaSearch anyway to see if they’ll remove our address. I get that there’s no way, as they said in their FAQs, to remove all personal info from the internet, but if this is one more thing I can remove, why not?

I used to believe that those that try to hide their info had something worth hiding but since having my privacy invaded, I see things in a whole new light and can totally understand their frustration. It really has a way of making you feel violated. Even if you don’t have anything to hide and there’s no direct threat hanging over your head, the point is simple… It’s no one’s business. Looking a person up is no different than peering through the windows of their house. It’s wrong. If information isn’t given to you, then you shouldn’t be able to look for it. I’m pretty much an open book in that anyone can ask me anything they want to know and there’s a damn good chance they’ll get an answer, too. But that’s the way it should be. My business should only be yours if I make it yours.