Subtropical Lady

Where Pelicans Fly
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2020-12-31 02:14:10 (UTC)

December 2020 (3)

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 25, 2020

My poor little ratty. :( Looks like the tumor has caused ruptured blood vessels. Yet amazingly, he still has plenty of energy and the same old appetite. He doesn’t seem to be in the least bit of pain, fortunately. He can’t have too many more months to go, though. It’s sad but an inevitable course of nature at the same time.

I’m really frustrated, irritated and confused right now after getting a google alert on my name. I got an alert for a site where a copy of Evil Amongst the Evergreens is supposedly available. Nothing was clickable on the site, though, and I’m sitting here trying to figure out why the hell a book I unpublished is listed there. I also don’t like how you can get a lengthy preview, and then if you sign up for a free trial, you can read all of it for free.

What’s the point of unpublishing something if people can still get copies on sites I never heard of much less published my book on, and with absolutely no payment to me?

I never should have published anything, especially in my own name. That was really stupid! Not only are you giving potential trolls the perfect opportunity to fuck with you, but I should have known it wouldn’t be enough money to make it worth it. Better to just write for fun and that way I don’t have to worry as much about being as correct as possible.

This is turning out to be the most doable diet I’ve done in centuries. Not going so low-cal keeps me from always being hungry. Not going low-carb keeps me from craving variety. Not spacing out multiple smaller snacks and meals also keeps me from being hungry. But it being doable is part of why I won’t get under that typical low of about 155. I’d have to be sick, thyrotoxic, or half-starving to lose more than a few pounds. No thanks! I like the way I feel on this menu and the fact that I definitely don’t have to worry about gaining weight.

The holidays are really throwing things off and disrupting our routine. Holidays were fine when he was working because then he got to enjoy the time off. Now all they do is mess things up. At least they’re minor inconveniences but because Walmart was out of some things, particularly lettuce which the pigs are low on, we tried to arrange to pick up an order at Sam’s yesterday morning. However, the earliest we could do this would be Saturday. So then we tried Amazon’s Whole Foods and were told the same thing along with another Walmart order we placed. So both Amazon and Walmart will be delivered within a few hours of each other that day. Tom was surprised to find how much cheaper than Walmart many of the prices on Amazon were, expecting it to be much more expensive. So we thought we would go ahead and give them a try.

I was looking forward to tryi ng Sam’s lobster naan but I don’t think we’re going to be ordering from them. Walmart doesn’t have it but Amazon has spanakopita which I like. I just don’t want to get too carried away with processed foods. Just because I’m having three larger meals with absolutely nothing in between doesn’t mean I want to load up on too much unhealthy stuff. Still gotta watch the cholesterol and sodium.

Over the last few days, I went from 157.8 to 157.4 to 157.0, and then yesterday I was 156.6 just like I am today. This is about when my body starts rebelling against additional weight loss, too. One way it rebels is to stop shitting but I’m having potatoes today so that should help.

Decided that rather than focus on step count or active minutes, I’ll focus on getting the 22 zone minutes they recommend getting a day. Not hard for someone with a high HR.

The planes didn’t go as crazy as I expected them to yesterday. Still expecting the death count to jump quite a bit after Christmas. I can’t wait to get to January! By then Trump will be out of the picture, we should be getting closer to getting vaccinated, and it’s the year we get the fuck out of here!

Dixie forwarded me (and a few others) a joke. So she’s still alive. Sometimes I think of emailing her. I do miss her and I do think of her but I also have to think of myself as well. I don’t want to deal with her drama and moods and put myself at risk of getting sick. She’s still around more people than we are. Unless it’s someone living alone with agoraphobia, I doubt anybody is as isolated as we’ve been. I’ll definitely email her before we leave.

In looking around at things and mentally deciding what we’re likely to leave and likely to take, I realized that the platform with the attached headboard shelves my mattress is on is our longest-running piece of furniture. We got it in Oregon 15 or 16 years ago.

Aly says Molly will no doubt eventually find a way to contact her, even if it’s through someone on Fitbit.

Ah, but will she be smart enough to ignore her? I still believe that Aly has a tendency to gravitate toward the mentally ill as Mary G gravitated toward abusers.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 26, 2020

I wasn’t kidding when I recently told Aly that it was a nice breath of fresh air to have a friend who was younger and smarter instead of the other way around as it usually was with other friends I’ve had.

Never heard of a torrent site before and when she told me she suspects my book was pirated, it made sense when I thought about it. If they steal music and movies, why not books too? I contacted one of the sites it’s on which is affiliated with NaNoWriMo as well as NaNoWriMo itself. I highly doubt it will do me any good, but I explained the situation to them about me and publishing it about a year ago and never agreeing to sell on Scribd. Plus there’s another site with a weird name that I know of, but I can’t click on any of the tabs and I wasn’t about to click on the download button without knowing if that could trigger some kind of attack.

It’s kind of weird how the pirated copy has the original cover and bio. Had to join Scribd to try to contact them but both them and NaNoWriMo don’t make it easy to contact them. I tried on Facebook and they gave me the automated run around so I finally tweeted to them. Again, I don’t expect a response let alone removal of the book where I left a comment saying who I was and that the book was pirated. You couldn’t comment without a rating so of course I gave myself 5 stars, LOL.

There’s no price set on my book, I noticed. Guess you get full access to it (and other books) with a paid membership? Would love to know when it was listed and if it’s anyone I know, though I doubt it.

The good thing is that if I didn’t make shit from the book, I don’t see why they would. I guess it happens to big-name authors as well. Either way, I highly doubt I’m going to be able to get it removed. It’s not worth putting any more effort into fighting it than I already did since it’s not like they’re going to really profit from it.

I went and unpublished We’ll Meet Again Someday that I had under a pen name just in case the same thing happened to that book even though I haven’t made a single sale or download in many months from that book. So if there are any more of my books out there, at least they won’t make more than a few bucks here and there. Others can feel free to do as they wish, but publishing just isn’t worth it to me.

I was glad to hear that her BF is going to get the vaccine in a few weeks. I know they’ve wanted to target health workers and old people first.

She got her dad the massager I got that I recommended to her and he really likes it. It is a good one!

Tom and I have noticed that my waist appears thinner lately. This is due to increased strength training and aerobics-like exercise. My “crunch line” is also more visible. That groove that runs from the sternum almost down to the belly button.

What worries me a little is that the spots on my leg aren’t growing in size but the larger one is darkening on the edges and is slightly raised. I just hope waiting until April doesn’t turn out to be a dumb idea that causes a whole lot more money and headaches later on down the road, but I’m not going to go running to the doctor for every little thing either. I wouldn’t be surprised if I had a few AKs on my scalp as well from what I can feel. Luckily, only 10% of them become cancerous.

I’m a little tired today because I was up forever like I sometimes am even though I managed to take care of the dishes and laundry and change Fuzzy’s cage. My God does that poor guy look horrible! I think he has more than one tumor too but with the way he acts and eats you would never know it so that’s good. Even if he didn’t have them, though, his days are still numbered because he’s now over two years old.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 27, 2020

Only I could gain a pound on a diet but then again I didn’t exactly “diet” yesterday. I had a little more than usual plus a candy bar. Also, I crashed early and got up earlier than yesterday. Nothing I didn’t expect to happen, though. I knew my body would go into reset mode no matter what I did. Besides, if this was that easy, everyone would be doing it. It takes a lot of hunger and deprivation to lose weight which is why most people don’t. But I’m going to continue eating three full meals a day because it agrees with my tummy and keeps me from getting carried away. Been having a bit more processed stuff than I should too, so I’ll have to cut that back a bit. Really don’t want to have more than one processed meal a day.

Tom checked out the site with the funny name and took a look at the code behind it. It isn’t that they have an actual copy of my book but it’s used as bait along with many other things. It’s a phishing site. All they want is credit card info. They promise full access to various things if you pay a fee.

On Scribd, he found where I could file a copyright infringement complaint, so I did. I doubt it’s anyone I know and may not even be a person at all. I once had this book on Smashwords and there might have been a screw-up between the different sites. Because the cover is the original cover and the bio is old, whatever it is happened nearly a decade ago. I don’t know many people with the sophistication to pull something like this off other than Aly and I can’t believe she would do this to anyone no matter how pissed she may be at them. It just doesn’t seem her style. The termites, yes, if they had brains enough to pull it off which they don’t.

I’ve learned my lesson as far as publishing anything goes. If I could have made at least 10 bucks a day, it would have been worth whatever shit came of it but it’s not all bad because this way I can have fun writing just for me and not have to worry about using real names and changing this and changing that.

The other day, as I was lying in bed waiting for sleep, Shadow popped into mind again and I was racked with a sense of guilt and sadness over having to dump him as I did 28 years ago. I asked myself why the hell Andy and I weren’t smart enough to think of a shelter but then no-kill shelters didn’t exactly exist back then. But then maybe it would have been better to be put to sleep if he was only destined to get hit by a car or something like that. Technically, this would probably be a better way for any animal or human to go as opposed to dying of natural causes but we could never and would never bring the pigs to a kill shelter.

I’ve always wondered what became of him. I read that cats lose heat through their paws and can handle heat better than cold as long as they have shade, food and water. He could have gotten the shade somewhere but where would he have gotten food and water? He would have had to drink out of people’s pools and while they were plentiful, so were big dogs that were always left outside.

But still, I wonder. Did Animal Control pick him up and kill him? Did he get hit by a car? Did he get fed by various people every now and then? Or did someone adopt him? I really hope to hell the last possibility happened! I was reading back in my 1992 journal, and I forgot that we didn’t just drop him off in Paradise Valley but also threw his carrier over the wall of someone’s backyard that we thought may have been Stevie Nicks’ at the time. Don’t know if it really was or not, though.

Even though I was young, dumb, broke, naive and threatened with eviction if I didn’t get rid of Shadow and was just doing what I needed to survive, I feel heartbroken and I could definitely throttle Stacey. I know she was sticking to the rules she had to abide by but still, rules can be bent. You don’t have to break them but you could bend them and she definitely could have worked with me somehow to get into a “pet” apartment and pay the deposit. I also wish I’d been smart enough back then to think of contacting her boss.

Tom says there was nothing I could do about it, I can’t undo the past, so I shouldn’t beat myself up for it and that more than likely he was adopted. If not, people do feed strays. We’ve done it ourselves.

But I also realized that had I been able to keep him, he likely would have lived past 1997 when I quit smoking and I would be left to wonder why I never got better since I didn’t know that cats made me wheeze and congested until we got Simone.

I have hoped that there really is no such thing as an afterlife because a before life is enough. For a minute, though, I almost wished there was so I could tell him how sorry I am for being such a shit of a cat mommy as I was during his first two years of life. Yes, he could be plenty obnoxious at times but he was otherwise quite affectionate and lovable, and yet I treated him like shit at times and then dumped him like he was trash.

I hope to hell that when he was dying which was probably somewhere between 2005-2010 that the giant orange tabby I adored was put to sleep and didn’t die outdoors alone.

Speaking of that bitch Stacey, another story idea came to mind. Tom and I move but we return to Arizona of all places. And of all the millions of people living in Phoenix, we happen to end up next to Stacey and her husband. I spot her one day and recognize her so Tom and I agree I would go by a different first name and say I was from Ohio.

I get a piece of her mail one day and am curious to see if she recognizes me when I go to return it. She does but of course I always deny my true identity. Then I can play these little games with her until one day she actually invites me over for coffee and I pass out only to wake up realizing she drugged me and has locked me in a room. I’m held captive there while she tries to force the truth out of me. Eventually, Tom will come to my rescue!

So between the story I’ve been working on, this idea, and the revenge on the termite idea, I guess I’m not completely retired as a writer after all. For a while there I thought I would never come up with anything worth putting into print ever again.

I was thinking of something like Good Neighbors for the Stacey story title and Karma Kween for the termites since mama termite is supposed to receive warning emails from Karma Kween that disappear completely leaving absolutely no trace before the baby termites are killed off one by one. grins mischievously Or maybe One by One would be a good title.

Oh yes, the lady of suspense is going to have all kinds of unfiltered and uncensored fun using real names. I just hope we don’t get “karma’d” for our evil thoughts, haha.

Strange how I once couldn’t help but have a slight crush on Stacey even though she was a blue-eyed blond. Something about her voice, physique and mannerisms reminded me of Kate Jackson. I once told her that too, LOL. I’d be a total liar if I said she didn’t age well but I hate her fucking guts.

I usually write one story at a time and will write a chapter and then edit it, but I think I’ll just work on the stories and then edit them when I hit writer’s block which I still think will be most of the time.

“Did something happen to the saw dude or did someone complain about him?” I asked Tom and he thinks neither and that he simply finished his home renovation project.

Well, I hope so because I’m definitely enjoying not hearing that fucking saw! In a lawless land, I would have gone over there, yanked it out of his hand, and chased him around the park with it.

“What happened to the loud car kid?” I also asked him and he thinks the kid outgrew that phase of his life.

That young and that fast? I don’t know about that one. I think he’s either dead, in jail, or more than likely moved out of the area.

Aly says Molly totally believes in her mind that she and I never had a problem. Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me. The mentally ill are often delusional. Also, I remember how she used to act like she and Kathy were best buddies having only last spoken recently when in fact it had been months or maybe even years.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 28, 2020

Sometimes I feel just as pissed or at least irritated with myself as I do with those that have given me a hard time in one way or another throughout my life. I just feel like I could have done more to prevent it, like I should have seen the warning signs, not been so nice… That sort of thing. So it’s like I blame them for screwing me and then I blame myself for how I handled them. But what’s done is done and oh how I have learned from it!

Once again Aly is saying that I, perhaps unknowingly or unintentionally, make her feel put in the middle when I bring up Kim or Molly and that’s why she’s been holding back on things she could tell me about them. Expressing my opinion doesn’t mean I’m trying to put anyone in the middle or persuade someone to go in a particular direction, but fine. She never has to discuss anything she doesn’t want to.

But how does she think I feel over the fact that she won’t give me her address, I’ve never seen a picture of her with Cam, and I don’t even know the guy’s last name? It’s hard for me to believe this is simply about her having doubts as to whether or not the relationship will last. She’s hiding something. She’s either afraid I’ll use the info against her somehow should I get pissed at her or Cam doesn’t exist.

I’m starting to feel like she’s complaining about me a little more lately and like I’m just not good enough in some ways even though she recently told me she always values our friendship. But first it was what I said in regard to Cam losing his cat, then she tweeted on her other account that I butt in unnecessarily, and a few other little things that’s starting to add up and get to me. Is she trying to pick a fight with me or something? Well, I don’t “fight” anymore. I either get along with people or I don’t have anything to do with them. The only ones that will eventually hear from me one last time are the termites. I mean, of course I would contact more than just them if Tom died suddenly and unexpectedly and I was about to kill myself but I don’t bother to troll or fight with people like I used to.

Anyway, I told her she never has to bring up anything she doesn’t want to even though I would never insist she hold back on anything and I won’t bring up as much either. The less open someone is with me, the less I’m open with them. Not by design but I naturally can’t help but be more open if someone’s open with me and less open if someone’s not so open with me. It’s just how I am and a natural instinct of mine. In the end, Kim and Molly (I know she’s not done with Molly forever) are her friends so it’s not like I’m dying to hear about them.

I discovered something by accident as is how I usually find things be it objects or information. While I still think the smaller spot on my leg is the actinic keratosis (AK) I had on my arm and back, the big red patch may very well be Bowen’s disease. The good news is that even though it’s considered pre-invasive it seems just as treatable as AK and just as unlikely to invade deeper tissues of the skin and spread to other parts of the body. Doesn’t seem like anything that can’t wait until my April appointment. I just hope she can spray it with liquid nitrogen as she did with the AKs. Sometimes they have to scrape the skin.

I missed my wine after taking a break from it and just wanted to get out and also get a sweet treat, so we masked up and headed to Rite Aid yesterday morning. Armed with Moscato and a Milky Way bar, Tom suggested checking out the Christmas aisle before we left where everything was on clearance, and we found a couple of cute things for just $2.50 each. A color-changing glitter lamp that sort of reminds one of a lava lamp. The glitter is in a watery gel so that it stays afloat longer when you shake it.

Also got a cute doll called Emily with auburn braids and brown eyes. She wears pink and purple, my favorite colors.

The Mac was sluggish and I was having trouble clicking and dragging puzzle pieces during my puzzle walks, as I call them, so he upgraded it to Big Sur.

As we agree, zone minutes are more important than step counts and active minutes so I’m making sure to get those. That’s usually simple enough as long as I’m not tired. In fact, I usually get more than the daily recommendation.

As funny as this may sound, the quantity of my food intake seems to matter more than calories or what I eat. I rarely bother to count calories but I definitely pay attention to what I eat now that I’m getting older and make sure that 5-6 days a week I eat healthily. But it’s true that quantity really does seem to matter most for me. I think I would be more likely to gain weight on larger servings of fish and veggies than I would on just a few bites of high-calorie crap.

As 2021 approaches, we chatted excitedly about the possibilities that await us next year like how we’re going to go out of here and a big part of it is going to depend on who the house goes to. If we know in advance exactly when we have to be out of here, it would be easier to get plane tickets and also control where we sit on the plane. But if we have to go about things the traditional way and deal with the escrow and not know exactly what’s closing when and what we need to sign when until the last minute, then it might be too expensive to fly since we couldn’t get the tickets in advance.

Time will tell if my vibes and dreams mean anything but despite having a pretty good accuracy rate, I have to assume they’re just dreams and guesses until and if I see otherwise.

I doubt the dream I had last night means anything since I would never want to live on a beach. Close to a body of water, yes, but not on the beach. Yet in the dream, we had a circular bedroom that was mostly surrounded by a popular beach and I wondered how I would sleep during the winter when all the snowbirds crowded the beach right outside the wall of the bedroom. I then remembered our soundproofing plans and hoped they would work out!

The only other dream I remember was going to a male doctor that turned out to be a joke for some reason. So I went back to a doctor I was familiar with that told me my OH was causing my eyes to bulge at the sides and a little in front too. I asked her if my eyes could possibly pop out of my head and she had this dubious expression as if to say that yeah, they could. LOL

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 29, 2020

It just occurred to me that I didn’t hear from Scribd yesterday. It could be due to the holidays, but I really doubt I’m going to hear back from them. The question is whether or not to take some other course of action or just let it go. I’ll probably just let it go since whoever/whatever is behind it can’t be making any more money than I did and that certainly wasn’t much. It’s just that it reminds me of how I’ve always felt that I’m not only not meant to make money but meant to be a profit to others. Oh well. Still can’t be much of a profit. If it isn’t a screw-up between sites and if it isn’t a random person, funny how the black bitch in Arizona is the first person to come to mind where that’s concerned. But would she be that sophisticated enough to pull it off? Would she be that stupid? Perhaps out of anger and the frustration of not being able to legally screw me again like she tried to do 9 years ago, she would. Don’t know if she would have come up with the idea on her own or set it up on her own, though, if she does have anything to do with it. But I’m sure she would get a real kick out of the thought of making whatever she could off of me at my expense.

I read online that applying ACV to AKs was recommended so I’m trying it on what I suspect is Bowen’s. Doubt it will do me any good, but it can’t hurt to try.

I was going to work on all three stories at once and then edit them when I was out of ideas but that’s easier said than done so I’ll finish the story I started last month before I tackle the others.

Guess I’ve gone from writing suspense that deals with obsession to suspense that deals with revenge! Let’s just say it can be kind of therapeutic depending on who the characters are. :-)

Some of them have been showing up in my dreams, like Termite Tammy. I killed her by kicking her really hard in the head only her blood ran dirt brown instead of red. I panicked soon afterward, realizing my fingerprints and other trace evidence would likely be found.

I left a message on Ruth’s wall yesterday. As in Marty’s wife. Her last update was in 2018 and I realize she could be dead since she would be in her 80s now. I looked and couldn’t find a grave or an obit on Marty, so if there isn’t one on him, there may not be one on her. Right or wrong, I acted as if she messaged me trying to apologize and work things out and I told her she had decades to do that, gossips too much, judges people by their past, was too judgmental, and that while I wish her the best it was too late.

I guess it was a convenient way to express how I felt albeit a bit of a dishonest one. I’m curious to see if anyone ever discovers it but I have a feeling they won’t. I guess the account has been abandoned. But maybe not. There are no visible posts between 2015 and 2018. So maybe she’s just taking a little hiatus.

When I got up, I found a message waiting for me from Becky. She decided to look for Mary Bernadette S from Valleyhead who went by Bernadette. She found the near 6 ft black woman in the form of an obituary from 2016. She died at age 48 and Becky is devastated. I guess they were closer than I realized. Bernadette and I weren’t close although we were enemies either.

So she died just in time to spare herself from the hell called perimenopause. But WHY??? I hate that most obits don’t tell you how a person died.

The termite dream wasn’t the only dream I had last night. It seems that many people from my past came marching in one by one. Lots of Andy dreams lately, although I’m not sure why. I do miss him at times, but I could never resume our friendship. He is who he is, and I am who I am. Besides, it’s become a hard rule of mine not to do do-overs. You step out of my life or I put you out of it, you stay out of it.

Anyway, I don’t remember what he, Nane or Maliheh did in my dreams but I remember Molly even though it didn’t make much sense. She pointed to a bright orange-pink fleece blanket and said, “Isn’t that your blanket?”

I glanced over to where she was pointing and I was relieved to see that it was. I guess I lost some things or was worried someone had stolen them. I also had a feeling that Molly was hiding something and not being totally honest with me, but just like in real life, I kept my suspicions to myself preferring not to let people know that I know, am aware of, and notice more things than they realize.

Next, I offered her some old dolls I didn’t want, hoping she would take them off my hands. She did and I hugged her more because I was grateful for her making things easier on me than anything else. Her shoulders felt slender as we embraced.

Then there was something about me being chased by a dog, threatening its owner, and someone that was universally hated winning tons of money. Then Tom and I were seated at a long dining table with about a dozen other people in the room. He surprised me by defending me to them, saying that the person who won money was accused of doing the same thing I had to spend 24 hours in jail for.

“I had to spend a lot more than that,” I snorted.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 30, 2020

As our upcoming move gets closer, I get a little more emotional. In a good way, of course. I started packing up some more shit but most of what’s left has to wait until the very end since we still have to live our lives while we’re here.

Soon enough we’ll be one of those annoying planes flying over this place. They’ve been an on-and-off thing as usual. For three days they were annoying as fuck but I haven’t heard them today. Just some small planes.

We talked some more and we’re very likely to start off in the middle of the state where the space rent is cheaper. The place will probably be kind of dumpy and might not even have a pool but this way we have a chance to get grounded, get a feel for the place, how the climate affects me, and then decide whether or not to head for the coast or get some land. It would be nice to have another park to compare this one to even though I’m guessing some things will be the same such as loud vehicles and power tools. Hopefully, we won’t hear it as much if we can get in a smaller park on a less-traveled street.

My chocolate chip cookie incense smells great. It’s mild but definitely great smelling.

My book was not pirated. I forgot that when I joined Smashwords nearly a decade ago that they were affiliated with Scribd. I also forgot that I had two different Smashwords accounts. I was confused as hell when I logged into one of the accounts and found that nothing was published there. I had Renting Ginny published for a while but removed it because I barely made a few bucks after a long time. Turns out the account Evil was on was under an email address I no longer have. But I finally got ahold of someone on both sites and someone on Smashwords told me they contacted Scribd with a removal request. So hopefully they will honor that request! If not, then I guess the story will just sit there.

I’m glad I used my middle name when I made the mistake of publishing stuff since I don’t think most people would think to Google me with my middle name included. When I Google my first and last name, nothing comes up. It’s only when I Google my full name that links to Goodreads and anything connected to my book comes up. I’m going to put myself on as much of an “internet lockdown” as I can during the move in case anyone we may get a place from decides to Google me and might not like what they find. I don’t know what might come up with a paid search but I wouldn’t think anybody would be that curious so I’m not worried about it.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2020

On with my last entry for the year. A year that was shitty for the world in general but ended up working out well for us.

I figured that if we’re going to have to wear a mask for a while longer, I might as well do it in style. So I ordered a light pink mask with rhinestones and a multicolored sequin mask.

Just finished a suspense book by Cole Baxter about a crazy old lady. Now I’m reading a kidnapping mystery by Gillian Jackson.

I guess this is going to be it for the year because there really isn’t anything else to update on.


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