Where Pelicans Fly
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December 2020 (2)
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 15, 2020
What the hell was that that my heart did this morning shortly after I got up??? As I was sitting there, I experienced what I’m guessing might have been A-fib but I’m not a hundred percent sure. Instead of vibrating quickly, though, my heart felt almost as if it was jumping. It was almost like I could feel it in my throat as well. It lasted 4-5 seconds and during that time I started to get dizzy and almost freaked out because I thought I was going to pass out. It probably wasn’t any big deal and hopefully it won’t happen again anytime soon.
I took a picture of the red spots on my lower leg that I suspect may be pre-cancerous, so I have something to compare it to along the way between now and when I see my doctor in April.
The daily buzz goes on. The drone of the blowers throughout the park that don’t need to be doing the same spot every single fucking day, individuals having their lots done, the tractor tearing up the concrete where the new house is…I would want to scream or beat my head in the wall or both if I knew we weren’t moving next year! Today was probably the end of being able to sleep without being woken up since the loud traffic has been worse, partly thanks to the house workers.
We went on another noisy yet nice walk and this time for half an hour. I think my hip needs consistency as well as for me not to overdo the working out in order to keep the pain at bay. The problem is that when you’re tired so much of the time, you can’t be consistent. Maybe I could have been 20 years ago but not now.
For a while now I’ve had a vibe about getting breast cancer in my outer left boob, but I don’t think it will be any time soon. I doubt I’ll be under 65 if this really happens. It does run in my family and it is hereditary, so I suppose that I have just as much of a chance of getting that as I do of having a heart attack, stroke, or getting Alzheimer’s which also runs in the family.
It looks like one of the flower trees is blooming in someone’s yard as if it’s all confused by the warmer weather. Things don’t usually start blooming here until early March.
As I’m learning the hard way, nail polish strips have a shelf life. Did some research and it seems to be about a year. This makes sense when I think about it because nail polish in a bottle goes bad after a while, too. So I’m likely to end up with a lot of bad sets of nails and wasted money for hoarding too many at once. From now on I will order just one set at a time and stick with Wokoto since they fit the best and are the cheapest yet still of excellent quality.
It’s so nice to see Tom be able to enjoy his free time after working hard for many decades. So many things he wanted to do that he just didn’t have the time to do, mostly computer and electronics related, of course. He deserves the break even though he is going to return to work sooner or later. Even though he wants to see about getting in with Amazon and then transferring to Florida, I just don’t "see" him working in Cali ever again.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 16, 2020
It still bugs me at times that Aly won’t give me any information about where she lives or share any pics of Cam. We’re not connected on Facebook (even though she said she hates it there anyway), I don’t know her address, there was no such doctor as what’s supposed to be Cam’s ex-SIL, and I’ve never seen a picture of her with any BF. I do have her phone number and I do have her parents’ address but still, her explanation as to why she won’t give me her address doesn’t make sense. Just because she doesn’t think she’ll be there long? But why can’t I see where she is in the meantime for however long she is there? And why would she not tell me exactly where she was on Vinton Street knowing she was about to leave there anyway? The length of time you’re going to live somewhere doesn’t seem like a legit reason to not at least let what’s supposed to be a good friend of yours check you out on Google Maps. Something just doesn’t add up.
But it’s still hard to believe she would make Cam up. To be making him up means she can’t get anybody. But then why would she not be able to get anybody? She prefers men to women and guys are easy. She wouldn’t have to be alone. If you’re a feminine woman looking for another feminine woman that would be different. But her not living anywhere for more than a few months doesn’t seem like a good enough reason to hold back, at least in my opinion.
Maria friended me and I saw that Becky was added as well. Then Becky mentioned being hacked and this made me think Maria was a fake account and that the account was somehow connected to the hacking, so I blocked it. But then Becky assured me it was genuine, and I unblocked Maria and messaged her, letting her know why she was temporarily blocked and asking how she was doing. She’s getting back on her feet after coming out to SoCal and getting screwed by the daughter she gave up for adoption and met for the first time. She found that the daughter was a big-time drug addict and hooker living on skidrow and she threw her out after just a few hours of meeting. Then I guess Maria hooked up with the wrong guy and threw her sobriety away as well as her Section 8 and medical. A little hard to feel sorry for at least some of the things she’s been through since she made her own bed and had to lie in it but I’m glad to know she’s doing better.
So I took the opportunity to ask Becky if Marie was still in New York and that while I loved and missed her, I couldn’t deal with the extreme mood swings, accusatory behavior, and paranoia.
She said she never experienced that with her but that she seemed warmer on some days and cooler and others just like anyone else. Yeah, but they never had the kind of relationship we did so I’m sure that’s a big part of it.
Becky says she creates new accounts after each failed relationship. Well, she must not have been in one for a while unless she’s using the same name for each account, which is never her real name, to create new accounts with.
Anyway, I wasn’t sure if I was the one that blocked her or if we both blocked each other but it turns out I don’t have her blocked from what I could see. She does have me blocked though. Seeing this casted doubt on my faithful New York follower being Marie. You’re that interested in my life but you’re going to block me on Facebook? And why would you start following me there in 2017 when I’ve been there since 2013? Plus, whoever it is is always browsing the front page. Anytime I create other accounts to share stories from, they eventually visit, and I just couldn’t see Marie into the idea of reading random journals.
So I was thinking about what I learned from Becky and then how I found Marie blocked me and then it hit me that there’s a way I can confirm whether or not it’s Marie visiting my blog. Or at least get a damn good sense of whether or not it’s her. There’s nothing to say that Marie doesn’t have multiple Facebook accounts, one or more of which I’m not blocked on, but I thought I would create a second PB account where I say I’m going to share stories and pics and say in an entry from my main blog that I’ve got the link to its on my Facebook account. I’ll make sure that the second account is coded and see if NY shows up. The idea is to see if they can jump in through Facebook. If they can, then it’s probably not Marie.
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 17, 2020
Unless Marie has another Facebook account, it’s looking less likely that my New Yorker is her since they did click through from Facebook. I thought of something that makes me think they aren’t someone I know and that’s the fact that they’re always browsing the front page. So it isn’t just me they’re interested in unless it started off that way and they decided it was cool to check out different people there. Whether they know me or not, the absolute silence is still weird.
Looks like Aly stopped tweeting on her other account. Yeah, I'm not surprised. She probably set up a new one but I'll never find it if it's not connected to Molly. I'm sure she blocked my main account from it, too.
The largest of three spots on my leg now has a slight rise on one edge. Gonna wait until after the new year to decide what to do. Maybe I’ll take a picture of it and send it to Doc A through the portal and get her opinion on it, though she’s likely to tell me to come in. What I don’t like about this is that there are three of them and the largest spot is bigger than the one I had on my back.
I took a more peaceful route on our walk yesterday heading towards the back of the park rather than sticking to the main drags. Joe, the mailman, passed by us and we waved to each other and I said, “Long time no see!”
At some point, after we got back, I felt a little fatigue and lay down in bed figuring I would just close my eyes for a few minutes but ended up napping for almost an hour and a half. I love taking naps, but I remained kind of groggy for the rest of the day after getting up. Even so, I was up pretty late and slept a long time, causing my schedule to jump quite a bit. I slept something like 9 hours and 20 minutes. Slept till noon.
I dreamed of Bob. It was weird because it was like we were chatting like old buddies and even dancing happily together. Then there was some dream about my sheets being all torn and held together with duct tape and being hesitant to ask my parents for money to get new sheets, LOL.
It’s amazing that the house workers let me sleep since Tom said they were tremendously noisy on and off from about 8:30 to lunchtime tossing all the concrete they tore up into a dump truck. I’m both surprised and not surprised. I’m not surprised because they were working on the other side of the house opposite the bedroom but then I’m surprised that the loud vehicles going to and from the place didn’t wake me up. It’s still frustrating because I know this project is going to take weeks…and then there will be something else going on. Been here for over 7 years and I still can’t believe how fucking noisy this place is.
We ran out to Rite Aid using the cloth masks that Covered California sent us. I guess they’re supposed to be better than paper masks. He downloaded an app that will notify him if it’s discovered that anyone was in there at the time we were that ends up diagnosed with the virus.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 18, 2020
I am surprisingly awake today even though I did take a quick nap which I love to do when I can. The recycle truck hadn’t come by the time I got up, but the garbage truck did and amazingly, they never woke me up.
What did wake me up - unless I woke up and then smelled it - was what I could have sworn was Tom cooking something with a really strong smell. I told myself I was going to let him have it for that since he knows better. I’m not only the lightest sleeper when it comes to sounds but also when it comes to smells, so he makes a habit of not eating anything smelly when I’m sleeping. However, he was sound asleep the first time I was aware of it. It almost smelled like fast food. I also smelled it a few hours later. I doubt anyone else’s cooking would penetrate these walls as thin as they are, so I don’t know what it was. I mean even if someone was right outside the bedroom window which was closed, of course, eating a cheeseburger, I don’t see how I would smell it in the bedroom. Either way, I still woke up feeling refreshed.
My hip didn’t feel too bad, so we went out for a walk. It was warm in the sunshine, but the breeze was cool. I wore no hoodie over my sweatshirt. It was about 55 degrees. After our walk was when I took a nap.
Tom discovered these bamboo charcoal carbon disposable pee pads for guinea pig cages that we ordered and that arrived today. We place them in their cages and are anxious to see how they work out. It was $20 for eight of them. They’ve got great reviews. Yeah, we would find the best solution for them now that we’re a month or so away from re-homing them. Who knows, though? They could end up being a bust. The fleece liners weren’t as exciting as I thought they would be because the pigs weren’t nearly as clean with them and the liners weren’t as easy to shake out and clean as I hoped they’d be.
If these liners work out, I can give Fuzzy the last fleece liner and we can put the bamboo liners in the pig cage when we go to re-home them.
Rockefeller’s reaction was a little weird at first. Blitz didn’t have any problem with it but Rockefeller’s teeth were chattering and he was making the kind of chatter that signals distress in a guinea pig. We’re thinking maybe he just didn’t like the smell at first but then he quickly started eating and was fine.
Fuzzy’s tumor is starting to grow and he may have more than one, but he’s still able to get around and still eats plenty. He’s just sleeping a lot more.
We got a hydraulic hinge for the meter reader when they open the door to the crawl space. Maybe this will finally get them to stop slamming it like they’re pissed off. We can’t just leave it open because skunks and other animals could get under the house.
I also ordered 100 chocolate chip cookie incense sticks but those won’t be here till the end of the month.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 19, 2020
Wish they’d shut up already with the stimulus talk. We know we’re not getting shit, they know we’re not getting shit, so enough is enough with the bullshit promises! The American government simply doesn’t take care of its own. Never has, never will.
Decided to do some more sorting and packing. I went through the stuff in the hutch cabinets and tomorrow I’ll do the drawers. You don’t realize how much shit you have until it comes time to go through it and start packing it up! Things I totally forgot we had.
It’s still too soon to really judge the pig liners but these guys really frustrate me at times. Especially Blitz. Rockefeller hasn’t chewed on the liner, but Blitz has chewed his. Next time I may put down a bit of bedding on top of the liners and also hook the corners to the side of the cage beforehand. I hooked part of Blitz’s liner a little while ago, so we’ll just have to wait and see.
Tom applied for a few jobs just in case they tell him to start working again. God, I hope not! Not until this damn thing is under control and we’re vaccinated. But that’s the thing. Out of the things I have strong vibes on right now, his working in this state ever again is not one of them.
Had a bunch of strange dreams last night, one in which Aly and I met somewhere, and she told me my bad ear was ugly, LOL. Not something I can picture her telling anyone. I wasn’t offended, though, in the dream because I appreciated her honesty and agreed as well.
Then I had some weird dream about hiding from someone in a dark building where I rented a room or apartment of some kind. Someone was after me or the person that lived in the place before me, so I turned off all the lights and hid in the bathroom. The bathroom had two doors on opposite ends, so I quickly locked them just in time for a young woman to be shouting angrily and punching the door.
Then, after being glad I had backed my writing up, I realized I couldn’t find the story I was working on and that the backup had failed. I ran into Stacey from Arizona in a corridor somewhere and asked her if she could find my story. LOL
In another dream, I was finishing up a visit with Dr. A only instead of us leaving the exam room together, she remained seated at the computer after I rose to my feet and said “Bye” and proceeded to leave the room and she said “Bye” too.
Next, I was writing my parents a letter telling them I really like being in a liberal state where a guy could walk into a bar dressed in drag with no questions asked or something to that effect. While I was at it, I was listening to a song that was supposedly written right after gays and lesbians first got their rights and the lyrics said something like, “It was supposed to be a trial run, but 33 days later we still have our rights.”
In the last dream, I walked up to the front door of our place, and instead of the street being laid out like it really is, the saw cock was off to one side and Jesse actually lived on the other. As I approached the door, I could hear Jesse sawing away at something and was glad we would be moving soon.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 20, 2020
Went through the hutch drawers earlier and found more stuff I’d forgotten about. Some old family pictures neither of us gives a shit about but agreed to keep, along with cards and letters from various people. I forgot that Marie once wrote to me. I’ve got some cards from Eileen, Aly, Rosa, my dear deceased Italian foster dad, and even a couple of postcards from Nane. I forgot that she actually sent me two postcards, one from Greece and one from Turkey. She sent one to Auburn and one here to “Zitronen Land.”
I read the German part to Tom as we were going through things and decided that even though we’re not friends anymore, I would keep the postcards. Some people I definitely regret knowing and some I don’t. Nane was fun and interesting for a while before her judgmental ways and bitchiness really got to me. Also, as ugly as German is, I sure did end up learning quite a bit of it, thanks to her.
I made a couple of interesting discoveries that I’m excited about whenever we get settled in the new place. First there was this thing you stuck your finger directly into that printed nail designs directly onto the nail. Those range from $500 to over a grand. I’m not fluent but I could get by if I were suddenly stuck in the middle of Germany, and that’s something to be proud of.
Still not wanting any chemicals on my nails, I looked to see if there was a way to design and print your own nail stickers and there is! It would be a little more expensive, but this way I could choose the exact designs I wanted and not have to worry about them going bad. You can even print family photos or pictures of pets!
I'm surprised I was wrong on the stimulus thing and that they're going to give adults $600. To those who are really in need, $600 seems like such a fucking insult. You can't even pay a month's rent on that! What the hell is wrong with this country???
MONDAY, DECEMBER 21, 2020
They updated our DNA results on 23andMe, narrowing things down. They had him mapped as all over Europe, but they took off southern Europe for him even though he’s from many different places and is still a mutt, LOL. For me, they removed almost all of Europe. I’m 98.9% Ashkenazi instead of 99%. They had a fraction of a percent of me from Asia and Africa which has now been narrowed down to Manchurian & Mongolian. Never heard of Manchurian before.
Going to once again try Fitbit’s easier diet where you have a 250-cal deficit per day and lose half a pound a week. I thought about it and I’m pretty sure I was likely underestimating my food intake or counting wrong or making typos when logging food the last time around. Low thyroid or not, I’m still human and it should have worked, especially if you do it right. So that means I’m the one that screwed up somewhere along the line when inputting info.
For this grocery order, I got a bigger variety of food so I’m not stuck with just meat and veggies and will have fewer bigger meals rather than more smaller ones that don’t fill me up and that leave me feeling hungry until I eat again. I still don’t mind meat and veggies for the most part but this way I can throw in some variety along with it, so I don’t have cravings for different things. So two of my meals will consist of meat, veggies, and a small portion of starch of some kind like rice, pasta, or potatoes. My other one will consist of chickpeas, beans or soup. I’ll have a small kiddy yogurt when I take my statin to keep from getting an upset stomach. Plus there’s my morning coffee. Or whatever time of day or night I happen to get up.
At 6:30 I had two roasted chicken thighs and a cup of macaroni and cheese. I didn’t have any veggies with that particular meal, but I will with my next one which will be at 11:30. I’m spacing my meals out by 5 hours. It’s been 2 hours and I still feel satisfied. If I’d grabbed just a smoothie or just an avocado, I would probably be getting hungry again by now.
Reading that there are new strains of the coronavirus discovered wasn’t exactly a thrilling thing to learn. Hope it’s nothing that the vaccine still can’t handle!
I slept for an average of 7 hours and 43 minutes last week. The week before that it was 8 hours and 11 minutes and the week before that was 7 hours and 32 minutes. Most weeks seem to be 7 hours and something minutes, but I did have a week that was 6 hours and 34 minutes.
Had a dream that I had to stay somewhere but I don’t think it was any kind of jail or hospital since I was packed into a car with several other people heading somewhere. In the dream, I realized that I had counted wrong and I didn’t really have to be there for four thousand and something more days but actually six thousand and something more days. Even though this only equated to almost a year in the dream, I was deeply depressed by this realization.
Aly’s back to updating her other Twitter account but not very often. Damn, I wish I’d never reached out to Molly!
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 22, 2020
I’m now tracking calories independently of Fitbit. Because my days are split so often, I’m not getting an accurate count. The same goes for steps. However, I’m not really concerned with steps as long as I get the recommended daily zone minutes each day. I’m keeping track in Google Docs and having Tom double-check my math.
So far it seems easier to have fewer bigger meals. I made vegetable tortellini yesterday and it came out great. I would really like to get an idea of my daily calorie intake at least for a week or two because I’m curious to see how, if at all, this new way of eating affects me. My guess is that it won’t cause weight loss but will make it harder to gain. It comes out to approximately 1,200 calories a day.
I noticed my metabolism has sped up a bit but that’s likely for the same reason I felt a little anxious last night; my meds are ramping up in my system. I skipped today and it will be interesting to see if taking action right away means I won’t have to skip as much later on. If I could get it down to one skip per month, that would be ideal. That may be just a dream, but we’ll see. But to have a total of a little over a month’s worth of anxious days for 2020 is a definite improvement!
Now I just wish he would stop looking for work! When he talked about the job applications he’s been filling out, I reminded him that they said he didn’t have to look for work for many weeks but he says he doesn’t trust them. Yeah, the government is definitely not very trustworthy, that’s for sure. But we have a lot of money and I hate to see him work before he’s vaccinated. I would be concerned if he was young but I’m even more concerned with him being 63. He doesn’t actually want a job right now but still thinks it’s best to at least put some effort into it. Besides, not everyone wants an older white guy working for them not to mention the fact that sometimes he’s either under or overqualified. Some jobs have requirements he’s unable to or unwilling to meet like traveling.
The pigs started to get a little smelly so we changed their liners. Rockefeller’s wasn’t that soiled but Blitz’s was. We’ll probably only be changing them about six more times before they’re rehomed and I definitely want to use up the paper bedding first. I would rather have liners left over than regular bedding.
Fuzzy sleeps more but still has energy and definitely his usual appetite. He could live another three or four months but one rat is a lot easier to deal with than two pigs.
I remember a split second of a dream where I was in someone’s oceanfront house and it was so cool because the part of the walls that face the ocean was all glass. Whenever the tide was high, the waves would roll up against the lower part of the glass walls and was totally cool.
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 24, 2020
I skipped yesterday’s meds as I mentioned before, and although I was better, I wasn’t 100%, so I was a little nervous about taking my meds today. I did, however, and I feel fine so far. Figured I wouldn’t make it to the end of the year without a problem, though.
At the beginning of my day today, I had that strange and disturbing feeling that could have been my heart A-fibbing, gas bubbles in my chest, or something else. I looked up the causes and found that they range from mild to severe. At least I didn’t feel like I was going to pass out or experience any other symptoms with it. I can see where it might be air bubbles since it did seem like it was something fluttering upward and reverberating in my throat. However, it was entirely different than heartburn or any kind of stomach or intestinal gas issues I’ve ever experienced. I don’t know what to think. I just hope it doesn’t make a regular habit of occurring, whatever it is.
It hit me that it’s silly to count calories independently of Fitbit. I can still have Fitbit do it. I just have to make sure that everything I eat during my day is logged on the same date. But I can still have it do the math for me. It isn’t just about calories but this way I can also see how much sodium and carbs I’m taking in as well.
I realize that with the exception of whatever we get for the house, we’ll probably be back to the days of being broke once we get to Florida because even though it’s cheaper there, we’re not going to have as much money. That’s okay, though. I don’t mind not having extra money as long as we’re still able to get the things we need. But I know he’ll want to work at least part-time to help with extras until he’s able to get full retirement and not just partial. Plus, I’ll get half of what he gets when I’m 65 even though that’s still worlds away.
Actually, Tom just told me not to panic over what I may read on Twitter or Facebook, saying that Trump is being crazy again and something about people being evicted and losing their Unemployment if he doesn’t sign a particular thing. He assured me that our retirement money is not only guaranteed for life, but he would also only work in the future for extras like if we wanted to go on a cruise. Also, our Unemployment is fine, so don’t worry about what I may read.
This is reassuring to know but I feel bad for those less fortunate than us. Only someone as rich as Trump would do such a thing, assuming everybody can afford to pay for their needs just because he can and has never known anything else. I almost wish all rich people could start off broke so they could know what it’s like and see that no, we’re not all the same. We can’t all make do with next to nothing.
It seems, however, we’re having the opposite luck than what we experienced when the economy went to hell. The collapse of the economy hurt us in just about every possible way that it could. We suffered big time and almost lost our lives because of it. However, the virus has seemed to actually help us. Oh, it wouldn’t be this way if he was under 62, though, that’s for sure! So if this shit had to happen in the first place, I’m definitely grateful for the timing. And that he was able to make so much money in his final working years, especially from the OT with the way it works in Cali. Making enough OT to live off of that alone is a big deal when it comes to retirement, but yeah, he was making around $30 an hour in the end there at certain times. Of course the new company owners would lay him off. That way they could turn around and hire someone at minimum wage. In the end, I sure as hell am glad they did lay him off because of the virus! Again, that was perfect timing and I had the opposite reaction when he broke the news to me than I had in 2011. Had he been just a little younger, we could have been really screwed. Same goes for if they hadn’t laid him off but just in a different way. But then I always did say that the noisier a place was, the harder it would be to lose. Well, Jesse and his mutts definitely weren’t this noisy. No place I ever lived was this noisy.
Either way, we’ve been spared from this latest world crisis. I don’t know if it’s because of any God, some other entity, or just because. I only know I’m grateful as hell.
Just went to get my Bing points and I wasn’t at all surprised to read a headline saying that despite pleas from health experts, people are ready to travel for the holidays and spread the virus so the daily deaths can become 5K instead of 3K. And of course I’ll be wide awake to listen to all the planes there will no doubt be flying overhead early this morning.
Tom said there were a lot of cars at Dahl’s place today. Everybody thinks they’re invincible.
One of the brands of nail stickers I got was Blulu and they kind of suck. They’re not sticky enough. Also, the pink plaid set looks more like flesh tone in person. So I took them off and applied a pinkish-red set with gold highlights by a better brand. They’re a little light and a little sheer but definitely have better sticking power.
Decided I’m not going to keep changing accounts every month on OD so I can keep writing there. It’s just not worth the hassle. When it comes to sharing, PB is enough.
Aly says she’s finally blocked Molly and is done with her because she’s gone Kim on her by being very selfish and bombarding her with tons of texts all about how miserable her life supposedly is. And this is after Molly deleted her on Fitbit. She says it’s hard to explain but she still has some compassion for Kim.
I would definitely rather associate with Kim than Molly any day. I remember when I was pretending to be someone else and connected with her on Twitter how she almost never responded to my tweets. It was only if I made the move first by responding to her tweets that she would talk to me. Molly is definitely very selfish and obsessive. Kim is obsessive too, though.
Once Molly realizes Aly’s done with her, I wonder if she’ll stalk her like it’s 2009 again. Or if she’ll try to seek me out to get to her through me. My guess is she won’t, though, because we don’t always react the same when something happens again. Besides, I don’t think she can find me anywhere other than looking me up on Facebook and that’s only if she remembers my last name.