chae

from my heart
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2020-12-08 23:47:33 (UTC)

cinderella emotions

11:47 pm

today i went to the cafe with my mom to help out. it was pretty nice.

i have been feeling prettier lately. a lot more confident about my looks and a part of me feels somewhat desirable sometimes. it makes me feel happy because i always feel unwanted and this is a new type of feeling.

i had a long facetime call with cindy last night and she told me how i can start manifesting. and truth is manifestation is so difficult because i have a lot of self doubt within me. i keep trying to manifest my ex back into my life in hopes that maybe one day we will be together again.. cindy says that manifestation can definitely work but i need to believe in it truly. its hard though because i feel like maybe that im just being dumb for trying to manifest someone who has lost interest in me. today i wanted to send him nudes and just grab his attention but i know he wouldnt do sexual shit with somebody that is not his significant other and that would be so rude of me.. but i want him back.

today i felt happy but now that its turning into night its almost as if i had this fake mask on all day and its wearing off. sometimes i feel like cinderella. i have this happy facade throughout the day and it feels so good but by midnight i snap back into reality..

i honestly am not sure what to do. this was cindys guide to manifesting my ex back:
1) clarify why i want him
2) visualize as if he already likes me again (because your energy creates your reality)
3) get rid of limiting beliefs
4) affirmations: tell yourself good thoughts everyday
5) LET THE UNIVERSE DO ITS SHIT

*** no self doubting. trust the process!!! ***

well, manifesting is hard. i keep comparing him to when we were together at times and it makes me feel heartbroken because he would always tell me goodnight and call me nicknames and its like that was all a dream. i know that maybe one day i can move on and find someone else and that maybe it will be even better.. but for now, i just miss him.

when we are texting, i like to imagine that maybe we really are together. i know im just fucked up in the head and dumb and that its going to hurt me even greater at the end. i guess i just like feeling the small pleasure rather than being patient for greater rewards.

i just miss him. i miss his voice. i miss what we used to be even though its almost the same... but almost is never enough (ariana grande LOL)

i wonder if people can like someone that they learned to unlike. maybe ill try again to manifest him back. who knows.

on another note, i have to study for my finals and i have a lot of shit to do. i plan on studying for one more hour then going to bed at around 1. then ill wake up at 7 am and start studying again. hopefully i wake up to my alarms.


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