from my heart
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2020-12-07 15:18:53 (UTC)

im still daydreaming

3:18 pm
he messaged me yesterday while i was at work. he asked me if i was going okay and i asked him if he wanted to call when i got back home from work.

we ended up calling and it was so amazing. it felt like how it wouldve felt if we were still a thing. i cant really put into words or express how much i miss him.

i know. i know that we arent going to get back together and that it is just something i have to accept but its been so hard. i think that it would be easier to accept if i can know that one day we will get back together in the future. but the thing is that the future is just so unpredictable. maybe its a good thing.. if i knew everything then life would be even more redundant. it would be like reliving or rewatching the same show again and again. i used to hate rewatching shows but i find some type of comfort in that nowadays.

i love him so much and i dont think i can ever "unlove" him. i need to trust the timing. i need to trust that everything is going to be okay and that everything will fall into place one day. its just so hard

i asked him why he lost any sort of romantic feelings for me. and he said that around two months ago, he felt like we were already drifting apart. he felt that we wouldnt really do much together like we used to and that caused him to start to lose feelings for me. and i felt so hopeful hearing that because it made me wonder that maybe if i try again. if i show him that im interested that i care then maybe he will want me back. maybe he will love me in a different way. i failed to understand his love language.

i dont know what to do. i want to talk to him constantly.. its all i want to do, ever. and yet i dont know if its the right thing to do because maybe its too late. maybe feelings cant change that easily after all.

i remember when we were together in the beginning and we were contemplating breaking up because we knew that getting into a relationship was going to be tough and that it was a lot of commitment. he said he felt like he shouldve followed his head but instead he followed his heart. and after that it made me want to follow my heart. follow what i love, what i care, what im passionate about.

but now hes following his head. hes facing reality and i should do the same. i need to focus on myself.