Soliloquy

Stop Whispering
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2020-12-07 17:31:58 (UTC)

The Start

I've been meaning to keep a diary all year, but like for most people this year, life got in the way.
A quick re-cap of the year so far:
In April, I caught coronavirus from a coworker - I work in a GP practice, and although we had rigorous rules in place, I still managed to catch it from a doctor. I was only sick for 10 days but it was like the worst chest infection of my life: My asthma was exacerbated and I had a crackling sound in my left lung, I had a fever of 39 degrees and chills at the same time, I lost my sense of smell completely (it's only come back about 50% and I can constantly smell smoke that isn't there), I completely lost my appetite and lost 10lb over the ten days and I was breathless and unable to walk very far without collapsing. I remember a distinct feeling of wanting to die and then a turning point where I forced myself to eat something and not give up, if only for my mum's sake.

My mum, who I live with, tried her best to keep her distance whilst also care for me: She has metastatic breast cancer and is on a clinical trial and has a compromised immune system. Unfortunately, we did not take enough precautions and she caught it from me and ended up being hospitalised for a month, spending some time in Intensive Care. That was the worst time of my life. I have never prayed as hard as I did then. Thank God, she got better and by the second week of May, was home - although she was very weak and had lost 2 stone in weight. I was able to work from home and look after her. Although she still has a cough and gets out of breath, she's doing so much better now.

We're not quite back to 100%; she's got her cough, I've got my altered sense of smell and we both experienced a lot of hair loss over the summer. But we're still here.

In June, I had to sit my final university law exams online - that was quite stressful - working, looking after my mum and studying. Especially as on the day of my last exam, my next-door neighbour decided to break lockdown rules and hold a birthday party for her son, so there were a lot of screaming kids on the other side of our thin walls.

The day after my final exam, my long distance boyfriend of 5 years and best friend (longest relationship to date) broke up with me. It was completely out of the blue. I hadn't been able to make our usual video calls whilst I was studying for my exams (as well as looking after my mum and working) and we planned a video call for the day after they were over. As soon as he called, I knew something was wrong - He said he met someone and was going to be with them. I remember a falling sensation. I asked who she was/how they had met. The whole time I had been panicking about my mum dying in hospital, he had been talking to this woman he met. He had asked his nurse friend who worked in ICU for information so he could reassure me about my mum and somehow met the new woman, also an ICU nurse and fallen for her. The whole time he was being a rock for me and telling me my mum was going to be ok, he was moving on from me and I had no idea. They moved in together less than a month after he told me and got a dog. I spent 5 years with him, talking every single day sometimes for hours, planning our future. I don't think I will ever trust anyone like I trusted him again. He wanted to stay friends. I didn't want to cut him out of my life immediately, so I agreed. We don't talk every day anymore, and I don't think I even consider him a friend. I just keep him there as a safety blanket and because aside from my family, he's the only person who knows me. He sends me photos of the dog.

I cried for 48 hours straight and made myself sick. I will never cry like that over anyone ever again.

In July, I got my exam results and I passed with high grades. But since then, I've stalled. I've not applied for work experience or jobs or anything. I went back to working in the office in August and have just got stuck in the rut of going to work and coming home and watching youtube and not applying to get the fuck out of there. I don't know what's wrong with me - I only like one of my coworkers. I'm incredibly overqualified and being squashed by middle management and severely underpaid. My mum doesn't know what's wrong with me or why I'm not fulfilling my potential. I don't know what's wrong with me - I think it might be a fear of further rejection/failure. And because I've only really had one bad day since I went back to the office (today, co-incidentally) and it's comfortable - I'm good at my job, however mind numbing it and my coworkers are.

But I can't stay in this rut forever. Time is ticking on, I'll be 32 in March. I am single (and at this rate will never have children), unfit, working at a job beneath me, not fulfilling my potential. I keep putting my life off. It's so stupid.


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