chae

from my heart
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PropellerAds
2020-12-05 23:49:29 (UTC)

kill all feelings

11:49 pm
man... fuck. i tried really hard to numb my feelings out all day and i feel like my feelings are suddenly all coming down on me all at once and i cant stop crying.

today i got to meet my friend jennifer. she texted me last night asking to hang out so i said yes because i knew i would need a distraction. i was really glad she messaged me because we havent seen each other in almost a year. we went to waffle house. it was nice.

then i came home and basically just played games all day even though i shouldve studied. now its 11:52 pm and im sitting here just feeling so... lost.

its hard not to feel like i am so alone. life has been so hard. i can barely eat a meal a day and i wish i didnt feel so depressed.

to be honest, i wish reed wouldve told me that it was all a joke. even now, i wouldnt even get mad at him if he told me that it was a joke and he wanted me back. i would accept him back into my life so quick because i miss him so much. it just hurts so badly.

i wonder if he misses me. i wonder if i pop up into his mind constantly like he does to me. i wonder if he checks his phone frequently in hopes that maybe i would text him.

i feel like everything is all in my head. i just want to know how his day went. theres so many little things that we would do that i never really thought as much and it hurts so bad to know that theyre all out of my reach now.

i know.. i know we wont be able to get back together again. the damage is already done so greatly i think that it would be hard to fix. even if we are both okay i think that he wouldnt even consider getting back together again because he doesnt want to get hurt.

today i was calling my friends that i normally play games with and one of them started playing "fireflies". i love that song so much but reed and i would always sing it together and joke about it. and i feel like that song is ruined for me now.

i have to remind myself that its only been like 4 days since the breakup and that at the end of the day, time is what heals wounds. but sometimes i feel like i dont have enough mental capacity within me to wait. i know. i know i am loved. i know people care. i know that to my mom i am so important. and yet i wish i could end it all. i feel so hopeless.

i know i am selfish for thinking bad thoughts. but i feel so alone to the point where i just want to be gone so i dont have to feel anything anymore. i feel so tired.

i really do feel so empty. i know i should give up. i dont think i can trust anyone again.


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