chae

from my heart
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2020-12-02 12:58:05 (UTC)

fucked up so hard he broke up

12:58 pm
he broke up with me yesterday.. well the break started on the 27th of november.. not that dates are that important. i still love him so much and i wish i didnt because it hurts so much.
this is so hard because i love him so much and i want to be his but he doesnt want me anymore. i have so much thoughts in my head and i want a break.
i know hes depressed and he needs a lot of time for himself. i want to give him that but it hurts so badly to be told to move on. its so hard. i dont think i can ever get over him and move on. i know its only been two days but these two days has been so hard for me.
i cant eat food i cant do anything. i barely managed to get up and take a shower. i can feel my stomach eating itself from the inside out.
this is so hard. i just constantly go back to when we were dating and reminisce our past together. i think about moments and wonder why he would choose to leave it all. was it not good enough?
i know i have to let him go because thats what he wants and i need to respect that. but its so hard. i miss him constantly. and i miss him calling me nicknames and randomly telling me that he misses me and my voice.
i feel so unlovable. i feel so unworthy of everything. i feel like a failure. why couldnt i be enough for someone that i needed in my life? and now theyre gone
i miss his laugh and him telling me stories. i miss him and him telling me about his niece and his dog. i miss his stories of how he loves a certain gamer and him just getting deep about things. i miss him wanting me so bad. i miss him.
i thought we would get married one day. he told me that his parents were together since they were 17 and continued ever since. i thought we could be that. i felt like he was the one for me. i thought in the future we would get married and have kids and we would talk about that sometimes. and he seemed so excited to create a meaningful future together. but suddenly it seems like his mind became foggy and all the good memories are shattered into pieces. he no longer feels anything for me. and i feel like its my fault
maybe if i was a little bit more attractive. maybe if i had a better voice. maybe if i was kinder to him. maybe if i made him feel wanted or needed. maybe if i didnt make him feel like he was alone. i reflected so much. and i would die to have a chance to be with him again. but hes done with me.
im so fucking tired of people leaving me. im tired of people telling me that they care about me. im tired of it all. im so fucking miserable and i just want to feel somewhat okay. i just want to feel appreciated and loved. and i guess while i was in my own mindset of where i wanted to feel appreciated and loved, i forgot to appreciate and love him. i lost him


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